Wednesday, December 29, 2010

speed bumps

There are things that I've learned about myself through these 19 years that are sometimes hard to admit. One of these things is that sometimes I have misguided anger, and these anger issues sometimes are unfounded. Not to say I'm violent, or I'm intentionally hurtful. No, just that sometimes my anger can strike in situations fast and fiery red hot and it's a little dramatic and uncalled for. Sometimes it isn't. Most of the time though it leaves both of the parties, me and whoever I'm mad at/is mad at me, feeling hurt and apologetic. It's been an issue with me as I've grown up, and these past few years I've had a reign on my anger, and I try to be more zen about it, and how I unleash it.

The one thing about this anger is that it makes me look like I never get hurt. It makes me seem like I can dish it out, and I can take it, too. This, as I've also painfully learned, isn't the truth at all. For as much as I have shielded myself, on the inside I am as soft as a fluffy fluffy marshmallow, and admitting that now doesn't bring up the indignation it did a few years ago when myself or anyone else would hint of it. Having a soft center, having feelings that can be hurt, is not a bad thing at all. If anything it has more positive qualities than being unfeeling does. It allows me to feel for others deeply, more deeply sometimes than people realize, it gives me compassion and allows me to put myself in others shoes. But the one negative side is that I can get my feelings hurt in a flash and sometimes whoever has just hurt those feelings won't even know it, because I cover it up with that defensive shield of anger, or sometimes I just play it off like it was nothing.

I'm writing this for the same reasons that I write about other things: it's therapeutic. I know that half the world, if not more, goes to therapy for some issue or another, and most of the world that doesn't see someone or talk to someone probably wishes they did, or probably should. Point is, I feel no regret in posting about my feelings, or posting about my shortcomings because we all have them. Do I sometimes wish I wasn't so hotheaded? Yes. But for the most part I'm glad that I have some sort of defense mechanism because i have seen those who have none whatsoever, and it's very sad. They allow people to step all over them, and in the end they still get their feelings hurt. So whether you have a backbone or not, your feelings are always vulnerable. I'd rather have that extra layer of protection to back mine up.

When I was younger fights were common between my mother and I. Her and I have shared some very hurtful words between the two, but we're still extremely close. I use to not understand how this happened, us forgiving after saying such mean things, or fighting so loud and hard, but now I know. Her and I are so very very alike. In some we are completely different. But we're alike in the way that we are stubborn. Oh, stubborn as hell. This ingredient mixes perfectly when you are in disagreement with one another and when added to that, kabooms into a huge chemical called fighting. We're so close because we know this, and although that doesn't make the fights we had, or still sometimes have, okay, they make us see that we still love each other and we can trust each other still after what we've been through. Fights are far and few between us now a days. I think mostly it's because I've tried to realize that my anger needs to only come out when it's called for, and even when it's called for it needs to be toned down. There are days when it does come out in full diva form, but again, far and few between. We've become ten times closer now that I'm older and an adult because we've overcome and been through so much, that fighting just is so stupid and doesn't seem worth it in the long run. Any disagreements or spats we have now seem so tiny in comparison to some of the fights we've had in the past.

I started this post a couple hours ago when I was feeling hurt and angry over family issues, yes, we've all had those before. I wrote it right before my friend came to pick me up for bowling, and I felt like maybe I should stay home...but another thing I've learned is that when I'm feeling down, when anyone is feeling down, we should not seclude ourselves. Sometimes it helps to be alone, but in this moment I just knew that as much as I didn't want to be around anyone, it would help me to get out and have fun. So we went bowling, and I did have fun, and it did make me feel better. So I write this now feeling way better than I did before, and typing this out helps me realize that throughout my life I am going to feel these emotions again. I am going to feel like I am at the lowest peg on this metaphorical ladder of life, but the great thing is that I can always get back up and climb. I just have to allow myself to do it, and let others help guide me when I otherwise cannot. That's what life is about; the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, getting what you wish/hope/dream for, and other times being devastated that you didn't. This is a hard concept to get, and I know there are days when I'm going to scream, or think angrily, that this isn't fair. Because we all think it, and it's true. It isn't fair. Life isn't fair, it's what we make it. I plan to make my life extraordinary, and sometimes in order to get to extraordinary I need to slow down at those speed bumps and go over them cautiously.

It's nice to get things off my chest sometimes. It's almost a new year!! Stay safe.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

driving the car

I've learned that driving comes with great responsibility. When I'm driving, there's so much I need to do to protect myself and to protect others. I have to be vigilant and aware of not only my own actions, but everyone elses. I have to make sure the car has gas now, for when I need it and especially for when my mom does. I have a rough time doing that one, and there have already been times when mom has had to fill up the tank that i depleted. I really need to get better at that... and I have to make sure I don't break the car, which is the problem I faced today.

I hung out with my bestie, Marie, today and we went shopping. Now, I wouldn't say I'm a bad driver, but I'm certainly not the best out there. Mom told me tonight that I'm not observant enough, and I'm kinda unsure how observant I have to be because I feel that to drive you pretty much need to be observant fullstop, but I guess there are leveling degrees of observation? I'll work on that... Anyway, I guess this could be true because I managed to drive my car over a divider. Like the ones that divide the parking spaces sometimes in front of you? Yeah, the whole car over that. I wasn't going fast, but by the time I knew what happened the front tires were over so I decided to just...go forward until the whole car was over. I know, I know! Stupidstupidstupid!! But I'm a new driver! I figured backing up and doing it again to the front would have been REALLY bad, and for all I know it might have been!

So my friend and I got out of the car but nothing was broken, that we could see, and nothing was leaking. Yay! Then i somehow screwed up the door latch (Still don't know how I did it, or if going over the curb thing was related to the door not working) so the door wouldn't close! Then while examining the passenger side door to see how it was suppose to work, I screwed that one up too and the latch clicked down and I couldn't get it back up... AAA, We need you!

It took the man less than a half hour to get to us, and less than a minute to fix the latches. Ugh. I am forever keeping a screw driver in our car now because all he did was tap them twice and the latches went back in position.

While I was out and about, I didn't let the car issue get to me much. The car didn't seem broken, and the door wasn't an issue because it hadn't been broken, the latches just clicked into place (when normally they do that when the door gets shut) and we couldn't unlatch them. But when I got home tonight and told mom, because there wasn't even a doubt in my mind not to tell her, I knew she wouldn't get that mad at me, and even if she did I would pay for any damages (and still will!), anyway when I got home and told her I suddenly got really upset about it. I just didn't want her to be mad at me, or doubt me when I go driving because I really am good about what I do on the road, even if i sometimes need to slow down at times (which I acknowledge and keep my speed maintained afterward). I just felt this guilt and I always want my mom to be proud of me, and in this moment of admitting I'd screwed up the car, that I'd made a mistake, I felt so defeated and afraid that she'd be less proud. She was so proud when I'd got my drivers license, and I loved that, I wouldn't ever want her to think less of me for mistakes I'd made.

I know that sounds ridiculous because my mom would never do that, but I also didn't want her being disappointed in me. Which she might not be mad at me, she most certainly is probably disappointed in me at least a tiny bit. I don't even want to ask if she is because she'll probably say she isn't but I know she has to be feeling it just a little. And that hurts me the most, and that's why I got upset. For as much as I can walk the walk, talk the talk and fight with my mom tooth and nail, I am a mama's girl at heart and I just want her to be proud and think highly of me. I felt as if this moment was neither of those.

It's hard to make mistakes. For anyone. Personally they leave me feeling embarrassed, stupid, and feeling impossibly young. I hate all those feelings. But mistakes are part of learning, and let me tell you I will most likely never go over a curb like that again in my lifetime. So lesson learned, I suppose.

In the end though, I had a great day. The car thing didn't even effect our good time, because my friend has called AAA so many times, she's like "I'm use to it, and I can't judge you when I can't even remember how many times I've called in the past 6 months." Which, good point. So we went shopping, spent too much money, laughed, and had a good time.

I needed it. (:

Monday, December 20, 2010

nineteen, New York, and Christmas all wrapped into one!

It's crazy how fast this past week has gone by, and I've been meaning to write about so many things, like my birthday and New York and then I'd forgot, or not have the time, and somehow we got to Christmas and now I have so much to lump into one post.

19 doesn't feel any different than 18, then again I say that every year about getting older. But 19 sure as hell feels way different than 16. 16 feels so long ago, but at the same time I still remember being 16. Somehow I got from there to here; the shift from becoming a teenager to being a teenager to the branch into young adulthood included with bills, a job, and car keys. 19 brings me so very much, and yet I'm still deemed a "teenager" and I can't drink alcohol, so to most I still am a kid. In ways I do feel like that kid playing in her moms high heels, with smeared lip stick on my lips, but in the ways that matter I feel confident enough to rock the heels I have that make me a long-legged 6 foot tall beauty, and the dark red lipstick I have stashed away for those special occasions.

My birthday was spent with my best friend, laughing and having a fantastic time, and while the troubles of my every day life (that we all face and have to deal with) didn't vanish, they got momentarily forgotten for better times. I'm 19, and I plan on making it a fabulous year. Everyone has that one year that was fantastic; that when looking back on their childhood they think "oh yeah, that's the one I'd go back to". I want 19 to be mine, because while being 18 was filled with so many amazing things (like senior year, graduation, my first year of college, my amazing job, and getting my license) I want 19 to be the year where I have a blast, where I learn who I want to be and who I am even more, where I get into a little bit of trouble while having a lot of fun, meet new people, and maybe just maybe find that special someone to call my own. We'll see, 19 could be my year.

It's looking up to being my year because 19 was brought in with a bangin' trip to New York. We went the 22nd, and it was my second time ever in NYC. I went with four friends and it was amazing. It was cold but not cold enough to ruin our day. We got dropped off by a bus not far from Times Square and we spent the day walking around, seeing the sights, and shopping.

Not something you see in PA...ever.

It was very different from my semi-rural-suburban city in Pennsylvania. I'm use to fields, corn, horses and lots of open blue skies. I'm use to seeing our cities with lots of houses, and gas stations, and traffic. New York is ten times busier, dirtier, brighter and crowded than any city Pennsylvania has to offer. NYC is amazing in a very weird way. At times it smelled so bad but at the same time it was so beautiful and eyecatching. So many people, so many shops, so many offers- it was mind blowing to even think that some people deal with that every day, just to walk to walgreens! (Which, there was one of those on times square, too!) There were so many cars, trucks and there was an ocean of yellow taxi's that it was unreal to think anyone would need that many available to them. I don't even know how many blocks we walked, we only stopped once and that was to eat at an Applebees. Oh, i know what your thinking, "doesn't PA have an Applebees??" Sure. But this Applebees had like, 3 stories of space. The main lady seating us was wearing a dress. Ain't no Applebees like that in PA, no sir. We were on the second floor and had a good view of the people below us, perfect for people watching.

Don't even get me started on the stores! They were huge. It's like NY doesn't know the meaning of overcompensation. I mean, Forever 21 had four floors and a mens section. Our mall at home is serious lacking in the glitz and glam department because this Forever 21 was breathtaking. Sadly I only got one photo because they made sure to station someone right there at the door for the sole purpose to crush my little heart by saying "Ma'am? No pictures."

I walked in and like, gasped. Angels should have been singing.

The one thing I will tell anyone who goes to New York, especially if you're stationed in Times Square? Bring money. Because it's ten times better when you have it. Sure, seeing everything is nice, but Times Square was not created with the purpose to window shop. I wanted so much but only brought so much money and I forgot my credit card. It all worked out in the end, literally I spent exactly everything I brought except for a handful of change. Yup, I know how to rock it. Pushin' it to the limits! I know you can walk into any Forever 21 and shop in any state, but it just felt even more...more while in this one. Was it the glam? Was it the shiny? Was it the pure amazing awesomeness of the store? I have no idea. It just felt different.

My friends and I in New York.

I saw so many funny things, like someone holding a "NEED MONEY FOR WEED" sign (who turned out to be kind of a douche) and a man painted in silver pretending to be a staute. There's a Charmin Restroom building which we didn't go into but I'm pretty sure all that was inside it was toilets. Even New York goes to the bathroom in style! They have a whole store dedicated to M&M's and there are walls and walls of the colored candies. My friend and I were already making plans to go back before we'd pulled away from the curb at the end of the day. It was an experience, and if anyone is unsure about going- GO! It'll be worth it. I want to go back and see a musical sometime.

New York at night is even more lovely.

The Charmin Restrooms. "New Yorks #1 place to #2" their slogan, not mine.

Silver man! It was so weird to see someone just out on the corner doing this.


Last thing on this list to discuss is Christmas. I woke up around 10 something this morning sleepy and tired and kinda cranky. But that quickly passed and I was ready to open gifts, and my butt was quickly seated by the tree (my sister was already there on her side, a present ready to go in her willing hands). Mom took the dogs out, dad sleepily stumbled out of his room, and once everyone was seated we were ready to unwrap! My gifts were perfect, and only one thing has to be returned because I'm slightly stupid because I didn't know Bluray discs didn't play in regular DVD players, so my Supernatural Season 5 disc has no way of being played in this house at all. A mistake that will not be made again! Mom felt bad, but it's not her fault! I asked for it. So we'll just return it and get the regular DVD's and I can enjoy it then. No biggie.

I got some clothes, and makeup, books I wanted, and jewelry. I go this adorable owl bag I asked for because I love owls, and I kinda wish it was bigger because I'd make it my college book bag. Heck, maybe I will anyway if my books for next semester aren't that big or heavy. I loved Christmas this year, because it's not the amount you get, or the dollar signs that add up, it's the fact that my mother tried her hardest to make her girls happy and that shows me so much more than any expensive gift could. That she loves me and wants me happy. That makes me happy. We gave her a cup that said "Mom, each day I love you more", but it wasn't what I planned on giving her so she'll either be getting a late Christmas present, or I might just make my original idea for her, her birthday present. But her birthday's in August, so I'm still not sure what to do.

This year was pretty great, it had it's moments of not-so-great times, but doesn't every year? Let's bring this new year in with a bang, and hope that it's just as good, for me and for everyone else. Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 16, 2010


For about as much as I can sound very mature for my age, there are times when I feel impossibly and completely naive. These times come far and few between but when they do they knock me down and make me realize that my tiny existence thus far really isn't all that experienced. These times of nativity can be empowering, like when I laugh so hard at something impossibly silly and I remember sure, I'm 18-almost-19 but that doesn't mean I've been sucked fully into the grey dismal world of this so-called Adulthood. I can still be goofy and funny! Then there are the moments when I feel the negative side of niavity. When I realize that getting into this world of adulthood is shaped by going through things you've never been through before, and it's hard. Oh boy, is it hard.

See, I know most people went through their dating phase when they're teenagers. As a teenager, and still as one, I was never like that. I can honestly say I've never had a boyfriend before, and I don't even feel all that ashamed. I haven't had many boys interested in me because in my own eyes, I was the ugly duckling until about a year and a half ago. Sure, beauty on the inside but it's hard to find a guy who gets to know that first before judging the exterior. Plus, I went to a school where I literally knew and grew up with everyone. So if they decided they didn't like me, yeah...that wasn't changing. No new opportunities, especially since I lived in the country.

I started this new job, and I've been having what you'd call a semi-office romance. I'm not in an office, and it's hardly really romance but it's flirting and kisses-on-cheeks and it's shy flirtatious smiles and it...means something to me. But this, this having a boy like me and smile at me and hug me, this is new ground. This is a whole different ball game and I don't even really like sports. So you can see how dangerous this territory that I'm treading into is. There are a lot of circumstances to this office romance (it's fun to call it that) that I don't want to get into because although not many view this blog, I just feel it's best for both his and I's privacy. So let's say it's a tad complicated. Oh, don't you just love those? Anyway, I was treading very lightly into this flirt-thing because I knew it couldn't really go anywhere. But then I tripped...and boy did I trip hard. I won't say I fell because I somehow caught myself before going that far, but I tripped and scrapped my hand and just...crap. I wasn't suppose to even let myself GET THIS FAR and now I've already tripped. Okay, are you done with this analogy? me too.

So now I've got these feelings, and they're not the innocent cute this-is-for-fun kind either. There the I-want-something-more kind when I can't really have more. I realize this, and everytime I'm away from him my best friend gets this long winding speech from me about how it's going to end. Then I go to work the next day and he gives me a hug, or a kiss on the cheek, and dammit, there I go tripping.

Today I fell hard, and it shocked me out of this state of cloudy indecision and made me realize this is only going to hurt me in the end. I've never cried over a boy before, and I found out myself how very not-fun it is... I mean big, loud, ugly cries over something stupid as a boy possibly not liking me as much as I like him. Naivety meet self. I felt stupid for crying, which onnly made me cry harder, and then I got made for feeling stupid over crying which in turn made me even more upset. I know he likes me, there's no doubt. But a part of me isn't sure he likes me as much as I like him, or even likes me in the same way as I like him. That's the hard part. That's the part I got to get over.

So I type this out, and it's made me feel better. Although writing this probably won't stop me from flirting with him, even though right now I'm sorta mad at him... But anyway, tomorrow is my birthday and nobody is going to stop me from having a good time, not even a silly boy.

Ugh, I feel like 5 years late on this whole boy crisis thing.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

that green and red feeling

I've never been a really festive person until recently. When you're a kid, it's more of the giving from the holiday than the contributing to the holiday, and it's not like suddenly I'm all ready to go for every holiday that passes- I'm not. It takes some prodding and dipping my big toe in first before I start to really feel ready for any given holiday. So maybe I'm jumping on this Christmas bandwagon after everyone's found their seats, so I'm left to sit by the weird kid who talks about nothing but *insert something odd here* in the front of the bus. Maybe I've arrived halfway through the Christmas songs, and hardly know the words, but you know what? I don't mind. Because now I'm ready for this holiday and I'm jumping in here and there to sing the versus of the song I do know.

I mean, why should I let this holiday pass without sucking the fun, celebration and pure joy out of it first? Christmas for some might be about presents and getting tons of money, and that's fine. If that's what their Christmas is for them, I'm not to judge. But my family has never had money like that, so Christmas hasn't been about getting the newest and hottest things. We get gifts we asked for, some money, but mostly it's a great time to visit my family, thank my mother for being amazingly wonderful, and getting absolutely blinded by the overload of red & green. I've realized that Christmas isn't just about presents, and that it has a ton of other meanings behind it and that Christmas is almost like Thanksgiving. Surround yourself with family and just be thankful. Thankful for being healthy, thankful for having your loved ones, and thanking God everyday that you can be thankful.

My family has a Christmas party every year. Most years I just want them out of the way, and one year I left early because I was crampy and sick and I just didn't want to deal with it. This year I am so ready to go. I want to kiss and hug family I haven't seen for a while, hug my Grandmother (who I'm so very thankful is still with us) because I've missed her so much, and hopefully laugh so hard my stomach cramps, but this time in a good way. Reveling in this Christmas spirit has made me realize that not everyone has the same feelings for this holiday, and not everyone has an awesome family to spend time with. I had a conversation with a man that works with me that nearly broke my heart. He's older, and the type of guy that leaves you going "he is so sweet" because he is. We're good friends, and he always helps me clear tables and serve the food when it's busy, or when it's slow because he's just bored, haha. Anyway, I asked him what he was doing for Christmas and he said he wasn't sure but that he might buy himself a new necklace because...he didn't have anyone else to buy something for. Now, my boss is his nephew, or somehow related anyway, but he still doesn't have much family around, or a significant other. It just made me feel terrible because here is such a sweet person, and he's going to be lonely on Christmas. Same for the boys in the kitchen, well, a couple of the boys anyway. One has a couple kids and spends it with them. But the others don't have anyone either. So I decided to bring a small bit of a present for them.

That's why I just got finished making 20+ cupcakes all decked to the freakin halls in red & green, because tomorrow I work and decided to bring them in for them as a small treat. Now...they're boys so who knows how appreciative my festive work will go on them, but they should enjoy them (or at least I hope they do, that would suck if no one ate them!). I might even hand a few out to the people who come in at the bar that are regulars, I'm not sure, and give one to the bartender. Heck, whoever wants one can have one! I just want to give as much as I receive these holidays, because a little can go a long way. I know that when someone does something kind for me, I instantly feel really good. Like, a stranger cared. It's a nice feeling, it makes me have a little more hope for our world each and every time.

Not tooting my own horn or anything, but these look awesome.

I have had a baking itch under my skin for a week now. I actually can't stand baking sometimes. I have to really really really want to do it, because otherwise the mess and dishes turns me off so much for cooking/baking it isn't even funny. But I really wanted to do this for my co-workers, even if it seems a bit silly, so I braved the 2 some hours it took to finish them all and the epic clean up, and you know what? That itch is gone and in its place is a smile. I mean, I made some awesome cupcakes, and they even taste good! Satisfaction!

A picture of me, courtesy of my sister.

Not to get off topic, but through the years I have gone through a dozen or so things that I think would really make me happy. It's because once I hear an awesome idea, I want it to become my awesome idea. Like, one time i read about this place that was a old-timey, vintage-esque vegan resturant/bakery type place and all of a sudden I was thinking up names and looking up cute old furniture and figuring out what a kitchen in a place like that even looked like. Every since it's always been in the back of my mind, because those types of places leave impressions on people. I'd love to own a place like that, where regulars came in every single day and I just knew what they wanted because they get it all the freakin time. I love that shit. I mean, at work I love that people at the bar are like "where have you been?" like I don't work there every freakin weekend. But the fact that I've become someone they're use to, and that they know, I love it. I love that I have several costumers that come in a lot and I can say "Hi, nice to see you again!" or something cheesy like that. I'm a sucker for that type of stuff.

But there will always be a tiny baking part of my heart that just sings while I'm making something. That may or may not be because I love food. I think it's amazing and whoever doesn't love it, more for me! ha! Well my christmas baking has officially been quelled. 9 more days until Christmas and only one more left until my birthday, because it's about to be 12:00am here and that's offically tomorrow! One more daaaay! ♥ I'm spending the whole day with my best friend, and then Sunday I'm celebrating with family at the Christmas party. This week is going to be awesome.

I really recommend baking something amazing for the holidays, even if you hate it. Because it'll make you feel like Martha Stewart, and if it helps talk to the "audience" while you're baking. Makes it ten times more fun. I'll have to do that next time I bake. (: Happy Holidays!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

First Final

Today begins the evil wrath of finals. I mean sure, I technically had my first one friday but it was an english essay. Easy peasy lemon squeezy, my friend. I love english so I didn't view it any differently than my regular assignments from that class. But these ones coming up...oh these are the types that have terms and equations and definitions. These are ones you have to study for because beautifully weaving words will get you no where. So it's currently 2:17am, I've already had a calming bath, I've studied yesterday and somewhat today, and I am prepared to go to sleep, and then wake right back up bright and early to study some more, then head to school to face my doom.

Wish me luck! Two finals today, one Tuesday, and then Santa Claus is coming to town!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

put the top down, baby

I am writing this at an ungodly early hour- almost 3 o clock in the morning. I should be sleeping because knowing me waking up tomorrow to get ready for work is going to be living Hell. But I can't seem to close my eyes, because deep within me is this proud bursting feeling that I don't get very often. It makes me restless, makes me want to go do something, because now I can and it's awesome.

Amid the stress college finals has been putting on me, and the anxiousness for the Holidays, today I had my drivers exam. It literally crept up behind me until suddenly I was like "WOAH, this Saturday I go to see if I can finally myself!" I was instantly nervous, and parallel parking cramming sessions began (two days before I had to go, ha). Because of course I'd wait last minute to learn something as important as that, something that would most definitely be on the freaking test. But I went into the exam thinking "the worst they can do is fail me, and then I just come back again!" So while I was nervous, I used the same approach I've used for almost everything (including my first job): the possibility to fail is there, but it is certainly not the worst thing that can happen.

My driving instructor was the type of man who outwardly you think "shit. I got the mean one." and then he'll say something and you're like "double shit. He hates me." But then he'll give you a hint, or help you out, or ask you where you work while you're trying to take a test and you realize. oooooh, you got the guy who does this all the time and is use to all this day after day, but really does want you to do the best you can. So I stuttered, stammered and paused-stupidly through the beginning with the light, wipers, etc test. Then we started driving, and then I parallel parked. Only one try! I was awesome, baby! More driving, more turns, then bam...done! I was asked to follow him, and dazedly I did. Then somehow I took a picture for my license (i even smiled for it, how am I such a dork!?) and then we were off, heading home.

I felt proud, and I still do feel proud. I got both my permit and my license on my first try, something lots of people have done, and something lots of people haven't done. So while I may not be special, I felt special anyway in that moment, and I showed my license to everyone. I mean, even the people I WORK with saw this little plastic ID. I can't even feel ashamed. I can drive, dude! It's a good feeling. The only feeling that isn't good is the insurance one. yikes. But I shall confront that when I get to it.

Overall I feel happy, and proud, and tired. I feel like I have checked something off my list, even if I have a dozen more things on it. I no longer have to stammer my way out of a "do you have any ID?" question, because "no, I only have my school ID..." only takes you so far these days.

I am one step closer to adulthood! (Only one more milestone, really, and that's 21. I'm not all that ready for it to be here yet, so that one can take it's good old time. ;)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Happy Hump Day!

Wednesday. The day that people usually hate. It's in the middle of the week like a secluded island and we're standing on it's beach looking out at the horizon that teases us with hints and illusions of seeing...something, the weekend perhaps? But no, we're still two days away from that and we're still stuck on this freakin Wednesday island.

I don't feel like that at all today. I don't feel tired or wishing for the weekend or anything Wednesday usually holds. I wish I could describe how I feel...I just feel like my body is relaxed, like I could take on anything in this moment. Sure, my eyes keep watering because I think there's a speck of something in them (and I've rubbed off all my eyeliner trying to get. it. out.), and I have class in about an hour and a half but right now? anything. You name it, I'd be able to do it, baby. I finished my first class of the day which was actually fun for once, had me some cool ranch Doritos, and now I'm just content.

I'm content to sit in the same spot I always sit in at college while I wait for 3:30 math class to roll around so I can slunk sadly to it. I feel fine to sit here, listening to the quiet hustle and bustle of people occasionally walking past. Things right now just seem to be looking better, which is funny because nothings changed, just my attitude. I still have a paper due (although not this friday, i got an extensioooon!) that I'm still struggling to work on, I have homework that needs completing, finals to prepare for, my friend is still sick, my christmas presents for people are slim to none, my room is a disaster, my computers battery is failing, and I have work this weekend to top it off.

But. There is positivity weaved throughout that bleak list. I've purchased tickets to see a band I've been dreaming of seeing since I was 13, I've got my drivers exam coming up which despite possibly flunking I'm excited for, I've gotten my boss & friend her baby gift which I can't wait to show her, I managed to fit into smaller sized jeans, I have the best friends and family around, and the holidays are coming, baby! Which means no class soon, and more break for me-time!

I may complain, I may cry and get frustrated, but that doesn't mean I see the world through jaded or even foggy eyes. I know that it could be worse, and I know it isn't that bad, so I allow myself time to work through my emotions, then get right back to seeing that there is positive things waiting for me to acknowledge, too.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


You know those things that happen that just put everything in perspective? That thing that suddenly makes you wonder how you could have been getting worked up over something so stupid, or feeling so much about something as silly as that when something as bad as that was happening to someone else? That happened to me.

I have been a wreck for this past week and a half. Well, maybe not a complete wreck. I've had my highs and lows, but I'd say I've been riding the low train for the past couple days. I've been hating school and hating work, because they make me feel like a slave. Like I wasn't working for me, or going to school for me, and just suddenly everything became totally and utterly unbearable. I felt self pity, about something as stupid as being overworked in both my job and academia, when most people don't even get the opportunity to have those, let alone at the same time. That wasn't what made me re-evaluate how I've been feeling. No...

My friend called me with important, yet horrible, news yesterday. She'd gotten sick, and passed out, and was now in the hospital getting tested on. She sounded scared, and small and totally so unlively and that is not like her at all. Instantly I felt scared, and felt sympathy, and felt like not enough prayers in the world could help her right now- I mean, where's Doctor House when you need him? But I'm going to. Pray, that is. Pray and pray and pray. But I'm also going to get my research paper done, and stop the tears I let fall yesterday and even today, when I suddenly felt overwhelmed for no reason. Because I am not in a hospital bed. I am not sick with an undiagnosed illness. I am healthy, for the most part ha, and I am able to work. I am able to write. I am able to learn. Getting overwhelmed, feeling pity for myself, being frustrated...those are okay to feel- but not forever. I had been riding this slowly declining train all week. I realized my stop was fast approaching, I need to get off.

So this is me stepping off, and trying to find my way back to being determined, to balancing out my time, to setting priorities straight so I don't feel this way anymore. I have a lot coming up. I have my drivers exam, I have finals, I have my birthday, I have more work, and I have the holidays. I have bills I gotta pay, and I have family I need to see. But I'm still not laying in a bed somewhere sick with worry about why I'm there, and I'm still someone who can understand when she needs to tightening her belt and go forth with all the effort she has.

So I will pray for my wonderful lovely friend, I will get this paper done, I will lay out study guides for my classes, I will attempt to pass my drivers exam (but realize that I can always call again if I flunk it!) and I will take that deep breath filled with cheerful holiday air as the 25th creeps up faster and faster.

I can do this.

Monday, November 29, 2010

the unspoken

There are a lot of things that get unspoken in the world, both good and bad. This can be said for anything. The unspoken I'm slowing starting to understand is that college is hyped. It's sung praises back and forth between both parents, teachers and even the students. I mean sure, you hear that it's going to be hard, you hear that it's going to be work, you hear that it's nothing like high school. Then you hear that it's amazing, it's completely different, you have so much more freedom to do what you want (i.e. party...).

No, those are all the spoken things about college. So I know it's hard, I know it's work, and I know it's got its kick with the whole 'freedom' thing. Nobody told me how very emotional draining and even...lonely, it was. I mean I know it's different for everyone. You have the kids who go to college and love it, they live on campus, they go to parties and even manage a C+ on that hard chemistry test. Good for them! That's great. That's just not my experience.

I have been up to my eyeballs in work and school, and trying to juggle the slowly growing pile of all the stuff I need to get done. I'm a procrastinator, I've said that, but even when I'm on the ball, it slips out from under me and I have 20 more things I have to get done AND still do my shift at work. It's like I have THIS much to fit into this much of time I'm given and it. sucks. I've always been both a strong and emotional wreck of a women, it's not me being dramatic (although that I can be too!) it's true. I can fight back strong and hard, but I'll be crying by the end of it. I don't find this a weakness, and I've found that every once and a while you need a good long cry. I use to time it. I'd go weeks being a strong solider, and then break down. I'd build myself back up and trek back on my merry way with my boots just that much tighter. I don't let things get me down, because once they've got you down, it's so very hard to get back up.

I would say I'm struggling to stay up right now, but I am still standing. I feel lonely and work-ed out and keep getting the thought "lets just drop out of school" even if it's the last thing I want to do. I want to see my friends, I want to spend some of the money I've continually saved up because I feel I deserve at least a little reward. Plans I've had for a week blew up yesterday and it just broke me. I cried hard for a minute or two not because I was weak, but because I was frustrated and tried and sick of everything going wrong and only a tiny bit going right. This wasn't anything like I was told college would be, and I feel a bit unprepared.

Our plans have been rescheduled for today and I'm at the point where I just realize that something could go wrong. I prepare myself, which I don't always do but after yesterday I feel it needs to be done in order for me to keep standing. I don't want this to be my life for forever, and I know it won't. The holidays are coming, I want my break, classes are preparing for finals. It's all hard. So I don't see my friends because it's hard for them too, and I have to do my shifts at work because I love my bosses and don't bail on work because I at least try and be a good employee. So I do my job and I go to class (mostly!) and I try and get my work pile done...but I've been slipping behind and now I have a research paper I had weeks to do....that needs to be done by the end of the week and I've hardly type-type-typed away at it.

It's my fault and I blame no one but myself, but I realize I need to stop working against myself! So I'll have my fun today (if all goes well) and then the rest of this week is GO TIME. I will get this paper done, and in true Jess fashion it will sound like I've spent months on it and not just a few weeks. I will study for the upcoming finals in the next week and a half, and then when that's done i will breathe. I will exhale. I will celebrate the holidays with friends and family, and welcome my 19th birthday with a smile.

This is life. That I have been told. That isn't an unspoken. Life is hard, life is tough, and yet life is so very very good. I want it to be good for me, and I want to see that good instead of just the constant frustration.

Oh Holidays, please come faster!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Eye of the Tiger

Ah, I'm writing this from in front of a blazing fire, from the comfiest couch I have ever laid on, with a glass of fantastic apple cider fizzing by my side. I feel relaxed, comfy and ready to drift off.

You've just been taken to the tiny dream-world in my mind, but it's time to get back to reality now. Reality is sometimes harsh, and sometimes amazingly fantastic. Today it reared it's ugly head at me, but I've fought back with a sword and shield because I'm here by my own doing. I procrastinated all weekend even when I knew I had stuff I had to do, but I think I'm going to be okay, even though i probably shouldn't be writing this and should instead be writing my paper. Oh, well. I can only NOT procrastinate so much, it's like I need at least some level of not-doing-what-I-should-be in my blood.

Work today was great. It went well, even if it was a tad boring, and I had fun. I always have fun. My little cousin is here, and not annoying me which is a god send. ;) I've sent out an email and revised (shittily revised, but hopefully my partner has my back) paper to my english partner, so that's checked off my list. The only thing left to do if finish my Music Paper, create a short power point, and then I've only got one, count it, ONE more paper left to write. (Which subsequently is the hardest, but I digress...)

Perhaps this upcoming week will turn out to maybe, possibly become a little more bearable than I originally thought. We'll see. But I feel better than I have in a while, despite college kicking my backside, and the holidays are coming up. I just feel like good things are about to happen...or that it's going to get better. That's always a good feeling.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Yet Again ):

Another not-so-good mood today. I don't do it on purpose, I swear! It's just that writing for me is therapeutic, I guess. No one really reads this, and even if they did, these are my thoughts, my words, and they are harmless. I shall say what I want to say and hopefully it'll help.

It doesn't help that lately I have I don't feel as peppy and bright as I usually do. I feel tired, rundown and sick. Not cold-sick, but more...I just don't feel like I'm at 100%. I feel like I'm down in the 40%-60% range, and I keep fluctuating between. Never above, never under. This gives me bad days that can be doozies, and then it gives me days where I feel okay, but never perfect. Today was a 50% type of day. I was great for most of the day, and then slowly it just took a turn for the worst. By the time I got home from work, I crawled in bed and let the first few tears fall.

It's a lot of different things. The first is that college is kicking my ass. I've already talked about it, and it really is affecting me more than I let up. There's too much to do, and never enough time to do it, and I don't have time for anything else. I go to school and I work, it's just overwhelming. And I'm stuck here with no other options. I want to go to school, I want to be something more, something great, but this is physically effecting my personality...and there's nothing I can do. The only thing I can do is stop procrastinating, get work done, and wait for the holidays. I think I can do it... I've gotten this far, haven't I?

The next thing is this whole guy situation. This was never an issue for me before, and there are parts of me that are non-nonchalant about it, and other parts that think so much into it. The fact that I'm unsure if this is for real or a convenient type of thing gets to me. Really gets to me. Because a part of me is like "lets have fun with this!" and then to the other part of me it means something. It means something that he smiles at me, or gives me looks, or wants a hug. And then I'm stuck here smiling goofily back, but secretly wondering what the hell is going on. That's not quite as big of an issue, but I can't say it's helped anything. Sometimes it makes me smile and feel good, but then I'll think to much about it and it becomes this thing. So...I guess it is what it is. We'll see.

There's a ton of little things that aren't helping, but this isn't a "lets list what makes Jess sad" post. It's just a...get-things-off-my-chest post. And I do feel lighter. I feel like I can do this. After I post this I will work on my college work and I will trek through it. I will smile at that boy, and try not to get too worked up over his reaction. I will write this paper and not worry that it's due in less than a week.

I'm not superman, I'm just human. But sometimes we all need to put on our cape and pretend, right?

Friday, November 12, 2010

Do My Thing

So many posts on my facebook this morning are about how it's finally friday. Of course, I join them in the elation the weekend brings, but it's way to close to Monday and the start of my busy and deadline-filled week.

I'm a procrastinator at heart. If I could get paid for it, I'd be in procrastinator heaven. Sadly, no one likes someone who puts things off at the last minute. The only good thing about this is I've become super good at doing almost anything last minute. Getting dressed in the morning under 5 minutes flat, doing makeup in a blink of an eye (or even in the car), typing out a banging paper the night before. It's become something I've gotten use to, and in High School you can get away with that type of behavior. College is so different. It's not like I haven't already typed out a banging paper and gotten a good grade, no I've done that already. It's the fact that procrastination when you have tons of deadlines in one week is so bad. I have a couple papers due next week and neither of them are finished, heck, one isn't even started. So while this friday is great, and the weekend is approaching, I can't find that deep smile that represents time away from school that likes to show up. In comes a worried frown and a "how the hell am I going to do this!?" thought bubble floating above my head.

I've written out a "weekend to-do!", as I've called it, which hopefully helps me manage my time a little bit better. I think I can do this if I can stop getting distracted every other second. Not only are these papers I have to write, they're research papers, which is probably why I'm more eager to do anything else but what I'm suppose to be doing. I love writing, I do, but research papers are not writing...they're hell. I have to look up someone elses work and try and form my own thoughts around it, but also citing who I got it from and all the while trying not to plagarise. Hey, not doing it on purpose! If i wanted to plagerise it wouldn't be the wrods of some old scholar who talks in big words I don't understand. it would be words of like, budda or someone famous. Those are words to steal. ;)

So yes, my weekend is not filled with partying or seeing friends, nor sleeping. It's filled with work in the morning and coming straight home to work on projects I really should have had done already. This is only my fault, and I admit that wholeheartedly. The only thing left to do is my thing. And my thing is famous. Doing my thing can totally get all this done.

Have a great weekend!

Monday, November 8, 2010


I seem to blog when I'm feeling upset, which isn't what I want the overall feel of this blog to be. Growing up and living life is not always a depressing, sad, unfortunate experience. No, there are a ton of great, happy, laughter-filled moments I have had. It's just those tend not to get documented. On my wishlist, not a christmas or birthday one, but just a regular wishlist, is to buy a camera. Not the one everyone and there grandma has in their bags, but a real heavy duty get the job done camera. I want to be able to document these moments I have, to look back on them and smile. Which is why I sort of started this blog, but along the course I think I've forgotten why I made it. I didn't make it to rant or relieve my frustrations, I did it to show all points in my life: the good and the bad.

It just so happens that yesterday I had a bad day, and while at college today instead of trekking across campus to the library to write a blog out, I pen-and-papered it so that I could type it here later. So the following paragraphs (and yeah, I wrote about 2 pages worth so it's going to be looong) is what I wrote about how I was feeling while sitting in college, listening to music, and trying to remember that sad days can not and will not triumph over my good days..

Have you ever had something grow on you? (and here is where my analogy skills, not sure if they're good or not, come in to play) Like maybe you picked out the wrong color and didn't notice until your walls were painted a plum purple instead of that more vibrant-purple you were going for. But soon, after going day after day into that room, having memories created in it, you start walking in and getting a feeling of warmth, of home, of contentment, and that unpleasant feeling you once felt for those walls now turns into a fond one.

That's been happening to me, only not with a color on a hypothetical, or even real, wall. It's been happening with a certain person. It wasn't like I didn't like him, he was and still is a friend of mine, but as he shows me more and more of his color, the more I feel like his color is the right one. And as I feel more and more fond of him, my "oh this isn't serious- I'm just having fun" is turning into a "did he smile at me? Is he looking? Do I look nice today?" type of deal. (I guess walls and crushes on boys don't really go together, but I'm not the analogy princess, so try and work with me, k?;) And suddenly those once-ugly walls give you comfort on a particularly bad day. Today I saw this;

That tiny word, just one word, on a insignificant thing like a pencil, was my once-ugly wall today. It was the thing that made me remember him and the attention he gives me, and for the first time all day today, I smiled. I've never been someone who got boys' attention, and I'm still not. This is new to me. Sometimes I still think "these walls are not the color I wanted" or in a non-analogy way "these boys are just playing a trick, they don't like me". But the reason I say that is because, back to analogy, these walls have been white for so long that I'm use to that. It's my comfort zone. I'm use to my friends having someone, and me having no one. So to have even a tiny splash of color on my walls, the tiniest bit of interest from a guy, makes me nervous, giddy and feel...special.

I try to be welcoming and flirty, and I know sometimes I come off as defensive and unapproachable. Not with people in general, but with boys. That's because I'm not use to them wanting anything but possibly friendship, so if they even tease about liking me, or they flirt with me, I write them off. But his attention has been going strong, and although we have our...issues we need to get past, I'm glad for his attention. He's cute and sweet, and maybe it won't ever be more than this, but that's okay. Right now this is what makes me smile on a bad day. Right now he is my unexpected wall-color that turned out to be perfect.

So that analogy wasn't the best, I get that, but I really wanted to write about this. He's a friend, and slowly becoming a crush, and I've only ever had several crushes...but when I do, I crush hard. The situation isn't perfect, and he's not even a real candidate for boyfriend material. But it's nice to feel special, and nice to feel like as a person you are wanted, you know? So I leave this blog, which started out a tad sad, on a happy note. Hopefully I can get some even happier updates in because I don't want this to be the-little-depressed-blog-that-could.

All I have to say now is that I gotta learn how to flirt. Turn it all the way up to 11. 'Cause I haven't had much practice with that, but I guess learning now is better than later, right?


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Fastforward. Rewind.

Most of the time I like being in the here and now. I feel it's not healthy to think about days long past, unless it's to remember a happy memory, or recall a sad one (although only for a brief moment). It's not good to wish you could go back to being a kid again, because unless I somehow come up with a way for time travel to be possible, I am stuck in the current time dimension I am in right now. Right now I am a 18-soon-to-be-19 year old who goes to college, works, doesn't get to see her friends much but still has the best time when she does see them. My life, on a scale of 1 to suck, is not that bad. I enjoy it, most days, because not every day is a good day, and not every day is going to be.

But one thing I find myself doing, other than sometimes wishing to be a kid again, is wishing I could fastforward my life. I want to be in that comfort zone, I want to be established. I want to have that loving husband who somehow convinced me to marry him because he's right for me in every way possible, even if he sometimes leaves his dirty laundry on the floor, or has different taste in music than me. I want the house that may or may not be too high of a price but it screamed 'us' so we bought it and love living in it. But most of all? I want the little pitter patter of feet on the floor, the "mama"'s and "dada"'s being said in a quiet soft voice, and the screams of laughter I know will fill our house (cause if it's my kid? Yeah, they'll be loud). I want friends who come over (maybe even with their own kids) just to check in and have a bit to eat, while we sit Indian style on the floor watching our kids bond.

I want to miss all the in between just to get to that place, but then a large part of me doesn't. I don't want to miss having my first love, and having my kids, getting my college degree, and buying that house. I don't want to miss the mistakes, the successes, the moments and memories I will acquire that will help me become an even better, wiser, open minded and beautiful person than I already am. It isn't that I want to be an adult, because Lord knows if I could stay a teenager and have all that I's that I just want that life so bad, I don't want to wait. And no, I don't want the "settle down" life. If I want to go to a rock concert, I'll have my husband watch the kids, or maybe we'll go together and find a babysitter. I'll still wear the clothes that define me, and dress my kids in even awesomer clothes. My house will sometimes be a wreck, and I probably will burn the cookies me and my kids attempt to make more than once...but i want it. I want my mom and dad to have grandkids and look at me with even more pride in their eyes.

I love my life now, but I think I'll love my life even more then. A huge part of me is sorta scared I won't even get that life, and I think that's what makes me want to just fast forward to that I know I have it, so I can't spend all my life working for it just to find out I never get it.

But life doesn't hand you a remote with those options, and right now I am a 18-soon-to-be-19 year old in college who spends most of her time at school and work. Right now I should be studying for a quiz tomorrow. I'm not a mommy, I'm not a wife, and I don't own a house. But I know someday I will if I try hard enough, so I'm gonna go study hard and try not to think to much about how I'll be having fun with my friends this weekend...I don't need the distraction!

Have a great rest of the week!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


So my birthday is about two months away. TWO. I'll be 19 freaking years old. How is this happening, is this even real life?

But, today was not my birthday. Today was my dear friend Marie's birthday, who is turning 18 years old. Who now I can say is legally an adult (although what a scary sentence that is, ha!). I had my two classes of the day, the last one I left early two and we headed out for birthday shenanigans. No way was I going to let her birthday pass without a little birthday fun.

We headed out to CiCi's where she's apparently never been, and she tried their macaroni & cheese pizza (which I find slightly revolting, but her and my other friend think is heaven). After that lovely trip to CiCi's (and I always find that place weird, they have to shout at you when you enter/leave, and it's just unnerving...) we headed to a tattoo/piercing parlor to get pierced!

Now, I've only had two other piercings. I've had my ears done, but that was when I was little so I don't remember, and I had my lip done. But that's been closed for years now. So I've been a little out of touch with needles, needless to say. I wasn't that scared, just nervous. She went first and she got her labret done, which looks freaking awesome. She said it hurt, but she's a wuss, so I can't really judge her opinion. ;) I was next and really...the clamp they use to hold the ear (I got my Tragus done) hurt far more than the actual piercing of the ear. It wasn't that painful, and it didn't hurt enough for me to never get another ear piercing ever again. I can hardly remember the pain now, and it's only been about 2 hours since I've gotten it done.

I think it looks awesome. Right now it has a stud in so I can't wait for the 4-6 weeks to hurry up and get here so I can put a ring in it. I think it'll look nicer, although it looks pretty sweet now.

Anyway, today was a great day. I got to celebrate with a friend, and I got a sweet piercing.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


October. OCTOBER. The tenth month. The month that zooms by with candy and costumes, with the fall weather close on it's heels. It's been a wet and rainy October over here. It's been cold and dreary and doesn't exactly show me a promising of a good fall/winter. And yet, I can't help but get excited about Thanksgiving, the meal I promise to help my mom with this year, Halloween, I'm still not sure what I'm going to be this year, and Christmas, where I actually have money to buy those I love gifts that come from my heart. Yes, I can't believe all this is fast approaching... It was just summer a couple of months ago, and a couple of months before THOSE months I was graduating! Time flies, and when you're a kid you think it's great, but as an adult you're thinking "STOP STOP STOP ALREADY!!!" There really is this cliche about becoming an adult and then all of a sudden wishing you were that sticky, bossy, know-it-all, plays-in-the-mud kid again; I certainly wish I could go back to those days (although who says I can't do all that now, hmmmm...?)

I rarely post here anymore, and it bugs me, but I'm stuck in that I-have-no-time-but-really-i-do place. I really don't have much time for things. I have school all weekday and then weekends I have work. I don't see friends, I hardly go anywhere, and I don't get time to schedule anything in. But I find myself with all this stay-at-home freetime and it's boring as boring can be. The internet is HUGE but there's only so much time you want to spend staring at a screen all day, and with the weather chilling outside, there's not much hope for me doing anything out there. So I'm in this weird place of honestly having no time, and yet having TOO much time on my hands. I wish I saw my friends more- perhaps if I did I would be a lot more satisfied with how everything has been playing out.

I got my drivers permit! FINALLY, I know. It's great and scary and exhilarating and nerve-wrecking being behind a vehicle. I drove home from the DMV and it ended in tears and a fight between my mom and I- so yes, nerve-wrecking for BOTH of us, haha. It's gotten better. We're not as tense when I'm driving, so it's easy for her to help me because I don't get as defensive or scared that I made a mistake. I want to get my license as fast as possible, and yet I don' feels like this last adult thing I have to do and then....that's it. I'm an adult; "take your shiny plastic card of identification and exit to the left please, have a great stay in Adulthood!" I can see the unfortunate employee greeting me at the door of Adulthood, bags under her eyes and smile strained. I mean, it's not like I don't have a positive look on adulthood. I'm one step closer to finding someone to settle down with and raise a family, to getting my degree and my dream job. But I've always been a very exuberate, excited, spontanious person, and adulthood just...isnt. At least the regular paying-the-bills, go-to-work, buy-a-sensible-car adulthood, anyway. I know there are ALWAYS exceptions, and I really want to be one of those. I never want to lose my ability to feel young at heart, to laugh always, and to have this uniqueness that others may at times find weird. I love that about me. It is me.

But that's a tiny bit down the line, and I don't have to worry yet. I'm still a college student who can get away with mistakes and the fact that she's not "knowledgeable" enough yet. And that's fine by me!

But really, I can't wait for these holidays. They mean happiness, family and holiday breaks. They mean friends I haven't seen in a while, good food, and love. They mean everything I've been missing and everything I've been waiting for.

I really need to get moving on a Halloween costume, I think my works having a party and that's gonna be awesome. I've been everything from a hip hop dancer to a bodyguard for Halloween...what to be this year??? Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Monday, September 6, 2010

slow it down

My world has changed drastically since the last time I posted. Not in a "I'm rich and own 5 Ferrari's" way, I wish, but in the way that my life has almost completely done a 180 in a short span of time.

In my last post I was anticipating the arrival of college. I was fanticizing the people I would meet, the things I would learn, the pure different experience it would be. I can't quite say I'm wrong, since I haven't had enough time to really begin any of those things, but it definitely isn't the world I had thought it would be. College, a lot like high school, gets a shiny layer of COOL stamped over it before it's even been opened. It has this bright gleam on it that blinds you until you step up to it close enough to see what it really looks like. And college hasn't been what I've thought it would look like. I'm going to a community college about 20 minutes from home. That has pros and cons. The pros are it's giving me a cheap and easy way to get my gen eds done before I transfer, the cons are that I don't live in a dorm and because I don't live in the dorm it's hard to meet new people. If I lived on campus (although that isn't an option here, but let us imagine I'm in a school that has dorms) I would get to know my hall I live on, which in turn would give me friends and then they'd make friends themselves and introduce me etc etc. It's a huge chain of meeting new people. When you don't live on campus, it's just basically going to class- and while there are cool people in my classes, I'm sure, you don't really get time to talk. You get maybe 10 minutes before class (most people are silent since it's early morning, or they just don't want to talk to you) and by the time class is over, people are rushing out to leave. They don't want to stop and chat to get to know you. They have no reason too. So really class is as formal as it's ever been for me.

My life has become school and work, work and school. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact I don't see my best friend as often as I use to. This summer we saw each other all the time. I was constantly over at her house, or she at mine, or we were off going somewhere. Now that college has started I've seen her a grand total of 2 times, and we're heading into the third week of college. It's confusing and scary and makes me feel lonely in the sense that I feel she's off at her college making new friends, and I'm at mine wishing I had her there to talk to me. Although I know she's still my best friend, it's really hard to feel confident when you haven't seen her for almost a week and when you DO hang out you feel like you've disconnected. (although that fear is stupid because once we hang out were as funny and goofy and close as we always have been.)

So while this isn't exactly the dreamworld I'd thought it would be, it's still a new experience and a beginning. A beginning of something that isn't always perfect, fun or happy, but mostly, mostly, it is- and you must get past the bad moments to get to the good. So I'm out of my element, and missing my friends, and maybe feeling a bit stressed by work and school....but I know I can get through this. I know I can learn to balance it out, because this will pass and it will become norm. Work and school do not define my life- I make my life the way I want it, and for that to happen I need to try and go at it with a positive attitude, open mind, and a smile. I need to remember that I am surrounded by those who love me for who i always will be, and that no matter what happens I will always have a ton of shoulders to lean on when it gets too tough.

College and work isn't so bad when I think about it like that. (:

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Kiddies/ College Nerves

Oh, and what a relaxing last day of my summer vacation I had. I woke up early in the morning to birds chirping, got things done, and relaxed the rest of the day with the piece of mind that tomorrow I would be going to a whole different school of a different level and it would all be okay......

In my dreams.

My last day of summer went something like this:

My cousin and his girlfriend had their babysitter cancel on them so they called us desperate and unable to change the plans they already had for today. They asked us if we could watch their little girl, my cousin laila. My mom agreed because she understood how that feels to have someone back out on you and you are left hanging by a small fraying thread. But yesterday my aunt came over and my mom decided my cousin Liz and Laila should have a play date, so now two kids were scheduled to come on Sunday- the day I had planned to relax and just get use to the idea of going back to school.

So basically today was filled with little kids screams and giggles and "Let's play this game!" in the air, while I clenched my teeth and sat back rubbing my temples. To be honest, I did enjoy some of their company. I played with them and they weren't bad for some parts of the day but when my patience ran out it ran out. I was getting annoyed and frustrated and mad. Today was not what I had planned and I hate that, but what's done cannot be undone. Now Laila is the only one here, seeing as how Liz left a half hour ago, and she's quietly watching TV. Perhaps my day is not all lost.

I'm writing in attempt to get rid of my headache and also make myself feel less nervous about tomorrow. I'm pretty good with changes after I get use to them. Initially, though? I hate change. I don't like not knowing what's to come or what something has in store for me. Once I've gotten a small glimpse of it though, I'm okay. I get use to it and move on. This is a huge change, and right now I am not looking forward too it. Obviously I paid for college, I want to go, but this is such a huge step up from high school. It's like a stepping stone just too far out of reach and I can't seem to quite get the stone under my foot to leap over. I'm pretty sure that once I figure out how to safely land on the other side, I'll be settled on that next stone and ready for the next thing thrown my way.

I've got my tote bag all college'd up with the books for my Monday classes, a thick notebook, a thousand pens and pencils just in case, candy, a calculator and my phone and iPod will soon join the ranks. I may not enjoy change, but no one can say I don't meet it head on by being prepared. This feeling is exactly what I got with High School, although not as worse. Shifting to high school was so scary. It was bigger and the class schedule was different, and people were so much older than me. Guys had beards. Girls wore makeup and dresses. Back when I was a middle schooler we were all just starting to dig into that stuff (now I bet middle school is pretty much an extension of HS anymore). College is like that except the age differences doesn't bother me, I see tons of guys my age with beards, and I'm a girl who wears a dress or two herself while doll'd up in makeup. There's just the huge campus, the classes that sounds way harder than I bet they are (or at least I hope) and the huge dollar sign hanging over me saying "DON'T MESS THIS UP". Maybe I should feel very scared, but mostly I'm nervous. I'm a people person at heart but throw me in a crowd of new people and even I clam up a tiny bit. We all have that fear of nobody liking us, not matter what we look like, who are parents are, how much money we have, or what we're wearing.

Ah, my headache is finally residing. So is my nerves, because deep down I know that the people who I love will always be there for me and that's all that matters. If i flunk out of school, I will still have friends and I will still have family who love me unconditionally. The people at school don't like me? Pffft I already have the greatest friends on the planet, why should I worry.

Yeah...I'll be okay. (:

Friday, August 20, 2010

Be True

We were pushing on it being almost a year since I've had a job, just shy of a few months. This summer has been filled with many things, and filling out applications has been one of them. I just couldn't seem to get a break. I filled out application after application but no call backs. Not one. I was talking to the women down the road who is with the owner of the restaurant/bar we were in, telling her about my job woes, and she slyly slide over an application. I am now a waitress at their restaurant.

Is it nepotism? Hm, possibly. Do I care? Hm, no! These times are tough, and we need to help each other out in anyway we can. People have resorted to lying, deceit and even violence. I think resorting to a friend helping me out is pretty innocent compared to some things people have been doing to get by. I am so grateful she gave me a break and decided to interview me and give me a job. Believe me, I am so so grateful. I just wasn't expecting waitressing to be so....hard. I've had three days of training and I've already had tears prickling at the back of my eyes. Not to say it's an impossible job- not by any stretch of the imagination. I honestly think most people could do this job if they dedicated themselves too it, and that's exactly what I'm going to have to do.

Being a waitress is hard in the sense that I need to know the restaurant inside and out. I have to try and give people what they want and make their meal pleasant. I need to know the menu, I need to know what comes with what dish, i need to know what the food LOOKS like. It's difficult for someone who has literally only ordered about a handful of things off the menu at the restaurant. I'm slowly starting to get it. I've taken tables, orders, given food, refilled drinks and done the cash register without anything blowing up, someone yelling or something breaking. A few minor mistakes, but it's to be expected.

I think I could be really great at this job, I just wish I'd had time to train earlier. These training days are cutting into my school hours, so now I have this I have to deal with on top of a whole new world (COLLEGE) I need to get use to. It's like walking into a new world where you don't know the rules and then getting employed at a shop in said new world, where all the rules for working are different. It's pretty nerve wrecking, but I usually pick stuff up quick, so I'm hoping that skill doesn't fail me for this.

Besides that little stresser in my life....I'm pretty excited for college. I may not be moving away, or going to a huge school, or living in a dorm with someone, but I feel like this experience is a significant one in my life. Despite the huge dollar sign on this experience, I am going to make the best of it. I want to suck every opportunity I can from College, because you're only young once. I have my first class this Monday, and I'm going to lock up that shy girl from middle school like I've learned to do and be the best welcoming, out going person I can be.

I think people believe that once you're older, you stay the way you are- like you're personality is in a rut. Nonsense, I say. I think you can be 11, 21, or 81 and you're still becoming a new person each day, shaped by the experiences we encounter and the things we reach out to in our lives. I want to wake up a fresh person each morning. Someone who is still who she was yesterday but also has an open eye and blank canvas for the days to come. I want to always be open to changing my ways, seeing new points of view, making new friends, and learning new things. If I can't wake up one morning and now want to be silly, or laugh or skip around when I want to skip...then who am I really? Whether I am a waitress, a college student, a daughter, a best friend- whatever I may be, I want to always be true to who I really am. College is going to help me with this, I just know it.

I want to join groups, I want to study with classmates, I want to laugh with new friends, have dates with boys that make me smile. I think this is a door opening to a wonderful beginning.

Monday, August 16, 2010


Summer is coming to a close, or at least the summer of waking up mid-afternoon, staying in PJs all day, hoping in the car with my friend and heading to pick-a-random-place, and pulling all nighters. Approaching at a break neck speed is college. This ultimate huge first that seems scarier than any first I've ever experienced. This place where no one really knows me, this place where I get to start over, make new friends, have new experiences.... It's scary and frustrating, and to be honest I have shed too many tears over the price this college has been costing me, but behind that is this tingling excited feeling that starts in my finger tips and engulfs me. This is starting my life and becoming the adult that will find love, will have a family, will laugh with friends over her dorky childhood past, who will create so many more memories. I have such high hopes for my future, and it starts now. In order to shape the future I need to make every minute of the present count.

This whole month has been filled with a varying degree of emotions. Fear, excitement, happiness, hope, sadness... I have had a headache more times than I have before in my life. It's all been worth it, though. This experience is needed so I know how I can handle stressful situations in the future; situations that just come out of nowhere and bombard you when you're not looking. I had to put college on the back burner for a week though because my best friend had her 18th birthday party this past weekend, and I wanted it to be amazing for her. She asked me to help her make her birthday cake, which was not as easy as it sounds. She wanted a cake boss-esque topsy turvy cake that literally put us threw hell and back. As fun as it was, towards the end we couldn't even look at the cake without cringing.

Although it wasn't perfect, and the fondant sure as hell didn't want to work with us one inch, for beginners I think we did alright. The final product (before it decided to fall over on itself because of the weight) turned out like this:

Her party turned out great. It was the only day it didn't rain, the clouds were out so it wasn't sunny, and everyone was down with the games we picked out to play. Although our cake was tilted so badly we had to keep it up with a huge jar of pickles (way funnier if you'd seen it) people liked it. Believe me, the buttercream? Tasted AMAZING. We laughed so hard we almost peed ourselves at times, and we danced the night away when it got darker. She deserved a good birthday bash and I'm glad we could pull it off so everything went okay.

I think this college stuff coming up has put me on the wrong track. So many people get worked up about money and needing to get this and that and bills and.... we need to step back. We need to see whats in front of us and what's important. Sure, money and bills and education means something in society. But what means the most to YOU? Family. Friends. Love. Laughter. Those are what mean stuff to me, personally. This has been making me forget that I'm building my education FOR those things. So I can life a comfortable happy safe life with my loved ones. I just have to remember that.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

I was watching a TV show I happen to adore and one of the main characters recited this poem to his friend, telling her his father always had it up on the fridge despite not having ever touched a drop of alcohol, it was just because he liked it. I didn't know this poem was used by the members of Alcohols Anonymous and other step programs, but just like the characters father I too like the poem. There's just something about it that while reading makes you feel like any obstacle can be overcome. Whether it be by your acceptance of it being there, or by moving it yourself.

When he read the poem, the first thing that came to my mind was when I found out I wasn't going to get financial aid for college. I was devastated. I was heart broken. I worried my friends and family because all I did for days was isolate myself. This poem defines just what exactly was going through my head, what's still going through my head. I accept that I cannot change my financial status, but there are so many things I can do instead, I just need the courage to do them. I think I'm going to tape this to my mirror so that every morning while staring at myself bleary-eyed in the mirror my eyes can skim over it and know that while things are unstoppable in this world, many many things are changeable. Many things we can overcome, we can change. We just need to be strong and courageous enough to change them.

It was so very scary and hard to change my college last minute. Not only am I a college newbie, I didn't know if I had the strength to go through it all again with another college. The applications, the emails, the phone calls, the financial aid, the letters in the mail, the accounts, etc. I had been boosted on the excitment for the first college, but now that it had all went down hill I was wary and didn't want to find myself blindly falling off a cliff like last time. But I knew what had to be done. I wanted an education badly enough that I packed away my fears and boldly got myself in gear. I am now fully enrolled in my states community college (all gen ed classes, I still plan on transferring to my original college) and all this has taught me that sometimes you take a road that ends up being a dead end half way through your journey, or has a bridge closed down so you can't pass, but that doesn't mean there aren't ways around it.

Our world is run by dreams, ideas, thoughts, and those people wouldn't have these wonderful businesses or be successful if they hadn't either accepted some things that have happened to them, or changed those that needed to be changed. As I get older I realize this, and while there's sometimes cloudy rainy days scheduled ahead, the sunny days with beautiful clouds filling the sky are right behind them.

Without bad how would we know what good is? And vise versa. I can handle what gets thrown at me, as long as I continue to stay strong.

God, grant me the serenity...

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

put that on my to-do list, please

I can't even tell myself no one told me this being an adult was gonna be hard. All I've ever heard from people is that this adult thing was gonna suck....and heck if they weren't right. Well, half right. Sure, I'm 18 and officially an adult, and the adult world I'm beginning to get a taste of does suck. But just because a piece of pie isn't to your liking doesn't mean all pie is bad. It's the right kind of pie you need to find, the right flavor, and I just haven't found the right flavor of adulthood yet. So far I've found the adulthood where I'm license-less, job-less, financial aid-less but already have loans to acquire debt for. It's like diving into a shallow pool, you just know it won't end well. I just need to curve upward at the right moment and avoid that pool floor from slamming my face in.

I've made myself a check list. Yes, a real things-to-get-done check list. Did I feel way older than I should have? Yes! But it helped, and I actually got things done. First on the list was getting my college to answer some questions, and although not all were answered, some confusion has cleared up. Second I accepted my loans. Can't say I'm exactly happy about this, but it's better than having gotten nothing at all. Third on that checklist came this morning in the form of a cute guy who fixed my computer. Yay! The battery is no longer on the fritz and my computer is 98% back in business. Some things got messed up by what the guy on the phone had me do to get rid of a software problem but I'll just call them back and get it worked out. Last on my list is to clean my room and I can't even begin to estimate when I'll get around to that. We have entered Phase 4 aka Code Red. If you've read my older posts, we have been through this very story once before. I tried cleaning it a few days ago but you know that phrase "it needs to get worse before it gets better"? Yeah, totally applies to my room right now. Way worse than it originally had been.

My sister is away, off to my grandparents so it gives my mother and I time to just hang out together. I like it because when she's not here we fight less and I'm generally less stressed. My sister and I just clash, it's something that's always happened and now a days it's more clash than not. I blame us both equally, mostly. So I've been enjoying my time with my mother. It's nice to just spend time with her now that I'm older. I feel like we understand each other more, where usually there had been a barrier. It's easier to talk to her, and that's saying something because she's always been someone I could talk too.

I have a ton of august birthdays coming up. A handful of family, my friend and a handful of her family. Kelsi is throwing a huge birthday bash and as the best friend I've been helping her plan it so it'll be friggin amazing. We already went party shopping but I don't think it's the last. She's got a lot of plans and I'm happy to go along with them and even add some of my own; I want her birthday to be everything she's imagined. I also need to head to Kohls and find something to wear. It's a nightclub theme so people are suppose to dress nicely and I plan to be dressed smokingly-hot nicely. My checklist? Yeah, finding her a birthday present. I think I have an idea but we'll see. I'm a very indecisive person so it could change.

Summer has passed like a blink of the eye. Every damn summer it happens and every damn time I realize it I get angry. Summer you need to last LONGER, Summer you need to BE longer. College is just around the corner and that isn't just me heading to class. It's also friends leaving and harder hurdles to jump over and other things I'm dreading to think about. As long as I stay determined and keep my head on straight, I think I can make it out alive!

I still wish I could slow-mo my summer down, though.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Candles By Victoria: First Ever Review

Via Youtube i stumbled across this site called Candles By Victoria where it's a women's own business handpouring home made candles. I'd been looking at her site for a couple of weeks before I decided to host one of her "Candle Parties". I haven't gotten to order yet, I was waiting until after my party for my party benefits, but my mother helped me out and decided to order some candles.

She got 5 of the Mini Candles (page 14 for $5.00 each), which I must say are just adorable. They come with this cute sticker on the stop that looks homey, vintage and aged to just give it a touch of warmth.

First up is...
Banana Nut Bread.

Like most of these scents, which are all bakery, they have an overwhelming buttery smell to them. I'm pretty positive that when burned the butter scent will mellow out and give way to the other scents making up the candle. I smell a nutty scent under the butter, and maybe a tad bit of banana. It's not very powerful though. It's a good scent, probably not one I'd buy in a bigger candle but would definitely burn this one. I'd enjoy smelling this in my room or throughout the house.

Butter Brickle

This is like a much much stronger version of the butter smell I get in the Banana Nut Bread. Overwhelmingly so. It's not bad, very buttery sweet smelling. I don't know if I'd want my house to smell like this, because I'm not one for butter scents. My mom got these so that's what she's into. It's not bad, I don't hate it, but I want to see how powerful this is when burning because if its as strong when burning I doubt I'll enjoy it. So if you like butter scents, you'll love Butter Brickle, if you hate it or just wan it in a weaker scent, this isn't the candle for you.

Apple Pie Ala Mode

I'm not exactly sure what Apple Pie Ala Mode is. I don't get if it's different from apple pie or something and I don't feel like looking it up. What i smell in this is a Cinnamon-y apple, not strong on the cinnamon but just equal enough to have that nice complimenting smell. It reminds me of late fall, but especially winter/Christmas. It just reminds me of all the candles with reindeer and Santa's on them people have out that smell like baked goods. This is such a good scent for the holidays. It's apple pie but with a sweet note to it, or so I smell, like floral without flowers, if that makes sense. Probably not. There's another scent in with it but I can't figure out what. It's good though, if you like apple and a tad of cinnamon and winter scents.

Bubbling Butterscotch Sundae

This one smells so much like Butter Brickle. I just put them one by one up to my nose and it's almost identical. This one has a bit more of a ice cream note to it, but not enough to tip it over into a whole new scent, they are very very similar. I smell the butterscotch so well in this. Its the first scent to hit my nose, but I can almost smell the sweet ice cream dairy scent underneath it, just barely, which gives it that extra kick over Butter Brickle. Just like Butter Brickle, though, this is not my favorite scent. Not a butter fan, what can i say? Like it on popcorn, not in candles.

Butter Rum Crunch

I don't want to say I'm disappointed in these candles, because I'm not. This was not my order, this is not my taste in candles, and the scents themselves are not gross...they just aren't for me. So all these butter scents really aren't doing it for me, and I'm not good at picking out the different between them because just like the rest this one smells exactly the same. I honestly smell no difference between this one from the last one or the last one after that. I'm sure when burnt they'll smell a bit different from each other, seeing as how she puts 3 scents into every candle, but the butter scent will remain and ultimately that's what is ruining them for me. I'm not a butterscotch fan, whereas my Mother is, and that's just how it is. In my orders they'll be more fruity, or sweeter bakery scents like icing or something. It's just done to taste, is what it is.

Black Forest Cake

This one is probably my favorite. I wouldn't get this again, I doubt, but it's a good smell. It's true to its word. It's Black Forest Cake. I smell the chocolate and it's so amazing how I can smell the cherries. The cherries you smell the most, they're very strong, but it's like if you bent over a Black Forest Cake and took a wiff! It smells fresh, like it was just made or the cherries were just picked. This is going to make people think we're baking a cake when we burn it. Can't wait! The one thing is though that with cold throw it's very cherry-strong. When you smell it it kinda makes you move away a bit because it's very very strong, but I think anyone can see that when burnt it will mellow out a bit, distribute the rest of the smells and fill the house with a wonderful scent.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST.... every order gets a free Scent Shot. They're used for a couple things. Sometimes people try out scents with them, but most of the time (and what they're really for) is to be used in a Tart Warmer which is an electric device that gets plugged in that melts the shots. I don't have one yet, so I can't burn it, but hopefully I'll get one soon.

Warm Vanilla Sugar

This was different then how I thought it would smell when i read the label. I thought it would be more like the bath and body work warm vanilla scent, instead it's more...floral. It smells very clean, and I can small the vanilla but its faint. Mostly it smells like body soap to me, or hand soap. Maybe it'll change when I burn it, but otherwise it's not a bad scent. It's clean, soapy; it would make my room smell better than it does, believe me. She has a lot more vanilla scents to try from so I'll just have to go through them to find which one I like!

Overall I'd give it a B+ because although the scents weren't up to my taste, they really smelled good and her candles are absolutely adorable. Can't wait to place my order!
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