Monday, May 31, 2010

Prom Con't.

Prom. What can I possible say about Prom? A lot of things really. There were tiny disappointments fueled by an imaginative mind that thought prom was the be-all-end-all, a magical fairytale, a night I'd remember clearly and distinctly. And it was to a point all of those things. But it's forever going to be cemented into the walls of my brain because of the people I went with, the people I danced with, and the memories I now share with those people. Prom is nothing without that. Prom holds this huge title, this right of passage, and the real reason its so because of us.The day of prom went smoothly. There wasn't a snag in my plans that lead me to be late, or to be frustrated or upset. I slept in, then got up and went to my hair appointments house. I got my hair done to the setting of a rambunctious 2 and a half year old, and three older girls making food and watching me get my hair done. We laughed, we talked, and she put 52 bobby pins in my hair along with 8 cute decorative ones. I loved my hair.

(I actually took this picture after prom. Yeah, it stayed in all night!)

After that hour-some long hair session, I went straight home to get dolled up. I pulled my leggings on, stepped into my dress, put on a little eyeliner, slipped my shoes on and was ready to go. I felt beautiful in an awkward way, like a clumsy baby giraffe in a dress. I had everything I needed packed in my huge purse; prom ticket, extra clothes just in case, money for afterward, and my camera. I could not forget my camera. I wanted to remember this night not only in my mind, but in pictures as well. Pictures are aid to the memory; they can help you remember what you might have otherwise forgotten and I want to always have proof of the amazing night I had.

After I was done getting ready, we had to head over to my friends house because that was where the limo was picking us up. Yes, I said it...Limo!! I've never been in a limo in my life before. I've seen them, possibly looked inside one, but I have never been in one and I certainly have never driven around in one like I was of importance, fame, or even royalty! For most of us, that was the highlight of our night. Screw prom, lets go drive around in our limo with fancy dresses on!

The limo wasn't scheduled to come until around 4, so we spent that time alternating between talking and sitting around, and taking pictures. Of course moms, brothers, aunts, everyone who was there had cameras in their hands. It was so weird to see seven cameras pointed at you at once, and then try and decide which to look at. But it was special to get the attention all on us for the day, considering that we don't go to formal events very often and I haven't ever owned a dress as nice as the one I had on.

They told us to pose Charlie's Angels style, so I did.

As you can see, amongst the serious poses and smiles we had going on, we had fun with it as well. We posed, we laughed, we fell, and we got it all on camera. There was a camera going off every 5 seconds. I don't even want to think about some of the faces those cameras all caught me pulling. Although we had a somewhat fun time taking pictures, they were making us uncomfortable and Sam (orange dress) was already hurting in hers due to some issues she had with her dress (and believe me, they continued all night up until the limo dropped us off at our houses). We were sweating and hot, and the pictures fizzled out quickly and were replaced with smoke breaks (for some of the parents) along with banter and chatting until the limo got there.

We were almost to our breaking point of waiting when someone shouted that the limo was here, and our excitement shot right back up to eleven. Commence the taking of a bazillion more photos of us in front of the sweet ass limo, and finally we crawled into it one by one (with us having to stop on the back seat to take pictures of us getting in). Oh, parents.

The limo was amazing. Although it didn't have a open sky roof thing to stick our heads out of (like we'd planned on doing), it was beautiful inside and we had so much fun. Our limo driver was so nice. We were worried we were too loud or being demanding (mostly later at night, when we asked him to drive us to get fast food, but I'll get to that in a minute), but he was telling us to crank the music as loud as we wanted, and he didn't mind at all. He was sweet, and even said he was grateful for his job of driving us to prom because otherwise he'd be up in New York driving around. Yeah, I don't blame the guy.

The inside was beautiful, the lights changed colors and they had these beautiful glasses to drink from.

My best friend Kelsi (purple dress) and her boyfriend Steven sitting next to her.

We all looked so beautiful (and handsome) that sitting in that limo we were royalty. We were famous. We were of extreme importance. There weren't a group of better looking people than us, and I don't care how egotistical that sounds. We were hot, we were awesome, and we had such an amazing time together. I loved spending prom night with these amazing people, every single one of my friends made the night more than just Prom. They made it a night I won't ever forget.

Although we had joked about ditching prom and driving around in the limo, we soon arrived at prom after a 30-35 minute drive (more or less that time anyway; it seemed pretty quick but I wasn't keeping time). We timed our arrival time pretty perfectly, we weren't standing outside for the doors to open more than ten minutes. I was in amazement at how fabulous everyone looked. The girls were in the most beautiful dresses I've ever seen and I don't know how many compliments I gave out that night, but I couldn't help it! These were the people I was use to seeing in jeans, sweatpants, tee shirts and tanks. The guys cleaned up pretty nicely too, and everyone just looked picture perfect.

We picked a table off to the side of the dance floor so that we weren't exactly isolated, but were weren't directly in the middle of everyone either. And that meant the dance floor was in easy access to us, which was a plus. 'Cause I had some serious dancing to do. The place was very nice. The table arrangements were nice, with flower centerpieces and white table clothes. It looked so regal and elegant, a word I wouldn't ever associate with my senior class in a million years. They had very diligent servers who were nice and polite.

We had a slide show of pictures of our senior class in the background above the dance floor.

The beginning of prom was a bit boring. It was the greeting of friends and then the taking of a thousand and one pictures with said friends, but also the waiting for the food. Hungry teenagers waiting for food? Very very bad thing. So yeah, that part was a bit boring, and when we finally did get our food, it was a bit disappointing. It wasn't bad, I wouldn't go as far as to say that. I ate it fine, but it wasn't as good as we'd hoped, although I loved the mash potatoes. Those were pretty good. The desserts they put out later were pretty good too. Better than the main meal.

So after we were done eating, they had a slow dance for couples which is the trick to breaking the ice and getting people out on the dance floor. We probably weren't even into our third fast dancing song of the night when something happened and the music stopped. I think something blew, and we were 20 minutes without music, but I hadn't even really gotten into my dancing groove at that point, so it wasn't too bad of a wait. They eventually got it fixed and the music was as loud as ever. Of course, at these things you don't dance, not in the way you look majestic and rhythmic. No at prom you sway your hips, jump around on your feet, and for a lack of a better word (mostly only if you have a guy, or just a really awesome friend who doesn't mind you getting down and dirty) you grind. My friends and I who didn't have dates just swayed around, moving our hips to the beat and laughing at our stupid dance moves.

So we all had a great time at prom. There was no drama (at least not in my group of friends), I got to dance the night away with great friends of mine, I met someone new (a friends boyfriend), I shared jokes and laughter, and I took pictures I plan to keep forever. We didn't stay till the very end, though. We left 15 minutes early to escape the rush of kids leaving at the same time, and plus we wanted extra time to go find food to eat. Which we found, after having our limo driver check Pizza Hut (closed), so we all settled on Burger King and Taco Bell. Which surprisingly was very very busy at 10:30-11:30 at night. And yes, we did walk into Burger king in our formal wear. It was awesome and the amazed looks, compliments and even the snotty looks we got were all taken in stride.

Sam and I ended up going through Taco Bell drive-threw while the rest of our friends were waiting across the street in a long line at Burger King. We also ended up chatting with the driver who, I have to say it again, is an amazing guy. He was sweet and funny, and didn't mind that we made him take a limo through the drive through of taco bell. He really made the night more memorial, we couldn't have asked for a better person to be putting up with our shenanigans. Especially when we were taking flash pictures that probably were blinding him (because we didn't have the window divider up) and when we had our glow stick wild dance party in the back.

By the time we got our food we were pretty tired. We'd had a danced out night, and most of us had been in our formal wear since morning and were ready to get out of it. We all decided instead of going back to Kelsi's house (where the limo had picked us up) we were just going to individually get dropped off at our houses. So of course I called Mom up telling her to wait outside so she could see a limo pull up in our drive way, and when the driver got to my house you could see flashes going off. Of course more pictures were being taken, how had I even thought there wouldn't?

So over all I think we all had a fabulous time. Last night just proved how much I love my friends and how much fun we all create when we're together. I don't want this to end after high school. I want it to continue on, with more people getting added into the mix but keeping my old friends I know and love to pieces.

Prom was spectacular. I couldn't have asked for a better night, and I honestly won't ever forget this in a million years. Even if I do, I have the pictures to bring the ghost memory back. You can't fake the smiles on our faces or the sparkles in our eyes. That's what prom is all about anyway, isn't it?

Sunday, May 30, 2010


So Prom Day is finally here. My excitement grows with every change in my laptops digital clock. I've just finished getting myself awake and having breakfast. Now I have to get ready to go get my hair done. If someone doesn't go to prom for the sheer fun of it, they should go so they can feel like royalty. This has been magical. This pent up excitement. This feeling of feeling beautiful.

I want everyone to have a fun time. I want them to have so much fun there isn't a word for it. But I want every one of my classmates to make it home alive, especially since I know more than half are going to after-parties to get wasted. That is their decision, and there was a chance I could have been in their position up until recent plan changes, and even so I hope they all stay safe. We're so close, nothing should chance them getting to their graduation day.

Prom!!! Man, being a senior has had up and down moments but these past weeks have finally decided it for me: I love being 18. No matter how hard it is, I love it. I love my friends and family, going to school and counting down the days. It's been great.

I'll have to update after prom with pictures and such. I'll be way too tired to post anything tonight. I'm going to dance the night away. (:

Saturday, May 29, 2010

of nail salons and sticky eyebrows

Although prom is officially tomorrow I feel the beginning of excitement creeping into my soul and digging deep into the muscles around my mouth, itching to make me smile. My friends and I just went to get our nails done this morning so we can look extra glam and fabulous for tomorrow.

Except our nails didn't exactly turn out how we'd thought. Lot's of people find places they love and that's why they stick to them. When you want good service and you find it, you're very reluctant to change it up. You know what those people can do, you've found it and you don't want to play the guessing game of "I wonder if this place is any good". My favorite nail place is an hour and some away though, up by my grandmother, and my one friends cousin had a suggestion of the nail salon she goes to so we went there instead.

Now, I'm sure most of the women who work there are talented. They wouldn't get booked with appointments if they weren't. But with our group...they weren't up to par. I happened to come out with minimal damage and faults with my nails. They actually look nice and for the price I paid, I'm pretty happy with them. I could tell I was given the new girl. There is just a way someone acts when they're new on the job; nervous, shifty, unsure. She had all three of those, and her technique wasn't as swift as those who had been doing it for longer. My best friends nails also turned out pretty nicely. Her nails and mine probably were the best out of all three of us. My one friend though didn't get that mercy. I think there was a communication error. At these nail salons sometimes it's hard to understand their accents, and sometimes they can't understand us. Sam, the friend in question, isn't a nails girl. She isn't use to getting her nails glammed up and I think she knew what she wanted but didn't explain it well. In return, the lady was quick to assume and go with that she thought Sam meant.

This is what mainly caused her nails to come out looking weird. The white tips were too long, there was so much white tip that it covered half her nail; that look isn't normal or natural looking. They were also a little bit longer than she wanted, which I don't really blame the worker for, my friend could have spoken up about that. And to top it off, they were still wet when we left so she ended up smudging them and messing up the polish.

In true typical fashion, instead of getting overly upset, we laughed about it. We were laughing so hard about the faults in some of our nails (and not to mention the wax the women left on my eyebrows! New girl, indeed.) that we couldn't breathe. I look at my nails, and along with the cute designs on them, and the white polish, I see a memory of laughter and fun. I see an upcoming prom with beautiful girls in pretty dresses and boys dressed to the nines. I see a future I'm looking forward too. Life is like the nails we just got; sometimes it doesn't turn out how you wanted it to, but you have to laugh about it. Getting angry at those ladies wouldn't have solved anything, and we could have had them redone but for what? They're just nails. It wasn't the end of the world.

So, we had a fun time. And for the most part, our nails turned out great. I'm excited for music, for dancing, for a table filled with friends, laughter, and memorable moments I won't ever forget. Not to mention the sweet ass limo we are riding in to prom tomorrow, I definitely can't forget that!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

life and such

My life at times, most times, seems pretty mundane, but below the surface are a ton of problems coursing madly. This isn't going to be a rant post...more of an outline of things that are happening, or upcoming things happening. I just need a place to clear my thoughts, and this is the perfect place.

With college being the next step, I'm starting to realize that the real world is a lot harder than this teenage world we delude ourselves in. The teenage world is filled with petty drama (for the most part, there are exceptions to everything), amazingly fun times, and school deadlines. Put a few fillers in between those main things, and you basically have what being a teen is like. As if anyone could forget. But coming out from that is like a brick to the face. There is no easy transition from teen world to adult world. There are no definite steps on how to make it easily from one stepping stone to the next. I'm currently in the middle of these steps, one foot on each, and I'm so reluctant to take my foot off my old spot...but at the same time I want to see what the world look likes from this new shiny spot. Even if the shiny spot is way more slippery.

Lots of adults in these past weeks have been telling me "this is how it is". I've been complaining because I can't get a hold of people for college. And now I've got issues with getting money back from one college, and its like...I just want something to go my way. Because it really hasn't been going my way for quite sometime. The good thing is that I'm a resilient person. I can get knocked down, I'll take a few seconds to take what's been thrown at me, and then I get back up to try again. I've been doing this so much that I'm tired. I don't know how much longer I can keep getting up. What with college problems, trying to get a job, growing up in one has the rules to life. No one has the exact booklet of how to make it. It's something you have to learn, it's something you have to yearn as you grow and you get these secrets whispered in your ear. It gets harder at the same time it gets easier. It is way too different from magical teen land. I'm just trying to cope with it one deep breath at a time.

On a happier note, prom is so close! This Sunday! The next few days are going to be filled with excitement. Saturday I go get my nails done, and then Sunday is the big day. I get my hair done by a friend I know, get all dolled up...and then ride in a limo to the magical place our class rented for the night. I don't have a date, and I don't need one! I can create special moments without someone hanging from my arm, especially with my wonderful friends at my side. I plan to laugh, to dance, to smile and enjoy this time as a kid. Because that night that is what we will be celebrating. Our freedom to still be a kid, even if we're so close to crossing that bridge to adulthood. I feel sad, and yet at the same time the feeling of so close is overwhelming.

I'm also super excited for summer. I want sun, i want Popsicle, i want to sleep in, i want to have random days of friends coming over, I want the days all to myself. Summer offers this all and more. I love the flowers, I love the sun (not always the heat), I love the sparkling water, the white puffy clouds and the birdsongs.

I guess everyone feels this overwhelming sensation at times. But the key to it is to remember there are good things waiting on every corner, no matter what dark street you seem to be walking.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


I realized today that there is so much I want to do. Not just in terms of academia or a future job but just life in general. I want to go places, see things, try new things, talk to new people; I just want to do so much. Whatever you believe, the thing we can all agree on is that we have this life to live, and it can be taken away at any moment. Why put something off till tomorrow when we don't even know if we'll get a tomorrow?

It's inspiring now to see everything outside so lush and healthy; the green blinding my irises with it's vibrant hue. Nature around us is in full bloom and that's how I'm feeling, too! I want to make this summer the best summer I've ever had. Not by doing huge things, not by taking long trips or going somewhere expensive, but by enjoying things I never have before. I want to go to a beach because I haven't been to one in years. I want to take walks around the mountain I live on because I can. I want to throw parties with friends on a hot summer night just because we all feel like hanging out. I want cotton candy & smores & popsicles to sticky my lips, and tiredness to edge around my eyes until I summer myself out. I want to wrap up this summer bug I have and spread it around. I'm going to try my hardest to make this summer one I remember by filling it with memories that etch a place in my heart that can't be forgotten.

With that, I give you a list of things I plan to do this summer. In no particular order...
-Go camping
-Bonfires (yes, more than one)
-Go to an amusement park & spend all day there with friends
-Go to the beach
-Popsicles (I want tons of them stocked in the freezer!)
-Soak up the sun & get a tan!
-Road trip to see my friend in another state
-Fishing trip
-Throw a summer (slip n slide) party
-Go to the Zoo & the huge river you can swim in by the Zoo

Those are just some things I've been thinking about that I really want to get done this summer. I'm sure other things will get added to my mental check list, or random things will take place to fill in spaces of boredom. The thing I really want to do this summer is have fun. Even if only a few of those things on the list happen, I will be happy. I'll be happy because the sun is shining, I'll be with family and friends, and I will be a graduated high school student. If I can't smile after that, what is there to smile about? I feel like I'm sitting here, the clock just ticking, and my excitement level increases with every move of the little hand, until I almost can't sit in my chair anymore.

This is going to be one hell of a summer, and I say bring it on.

Sunday, May 23, 2010


If how I cleaned today is anything to compare to how I'll clean up when I have my own house, with my own family in it...I'm saving up to hire a house cleaner for the rest of my life. My room goes through phases, which all add together to end terribly. Phase 1 is the clothing bomb. The clothing bomb is when I'm too lazy to put away my clean clothes so they get stacked on the chair of my desk, but soon after are then on the floor from my rummaging around to find what I want to wear. This is the start of what i like to call the Apocalypse.

Phase 2 is other odds and ends. Perhaps I was coloring and just didn't feel like putting crayons and paper back. This is now on my floor. Maybe I was going through my school binder and now have random piles of school work all over my floor. This does not get cleaned up later. You can see where phase 2 leads.

Phase 3 is an over flowing hamper that spreads to the surrounding areas of my bedroom floor. This is not to be confused with phase 1 of the room Apocalypse, because it causes a whole new level of catastrophe. Now I have messy and clean clothes strewn about the floor. Have you ever heard of the sniff test? You're a saint if you haven't, because the sniff test (picking it up and smelling to make sure it doesn't smell too badly and is indeed okay to wear) becomes your friend when you're in phase 3.

Phase 4 is code red. Phase 4 is when all the other phases have reached their peak and I can no longer get through my room without making designated pathways to reach the door. It's so bad my own mother does not come in my room for fear of breaking her neck. It's when I forget what color carpeting I have. I usually stay in phase 4 for a long time, or that is until I can't stand it any longer and I must clean it. Today was my buckle-down-and-clean-this-apocalypse-up day.

It took me two days of just half halfheartedly rearranging things and picking things up, and then today was the big kahuna. The phrase is "it has to get worse to get better", well the first two days was me making it worse. Today was me making it better. Things were on my floor, things were on my dresser, under my desk...I didn't even want to look. But I wrangled my self determination and I spent all day (literally) cleaning my room until now I can see my floor, I can find my clothes in drawers, and I don't have to fear of hurting myself when I want to walk out of my room. It's so nice after I clean it, and it makes me wonder how I can let it get that messy. It's just something that takes a life of its own and before I know it we're flashing Phase 4 warning bells, and praying for the best.

I don't have to worry about the tornado that inevitably will hit my room sometime (my mom says she's giving it a week) from now just yet though. I have time to soak up the cleanness of the room and the hard work I put into making it look this way.

I started my week off by working hard, and I'll end it by partying at Prom. I hope everyone has a fabulous week!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

regret nothing

It's weird because mostly when you're a teenager you regret nothing. You don't sit and think about things you wish you'd done, or things you've missed out on. You live in the moment. Yet it seems like this switch has turned on in my brain that says "YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS BACK" and suddenly all these ideas, images, thoughts of what could have happened are flooding my brain.

There are things at school I wish I'd found a way to join in on, sports I wish I'd stuck with, and friends I wish I'd met sooner. Some of these things I couldn't have helped from not happening, some of them I honestly think I could have continued with and seen where they could have gone. I don't regret a ton of things, and regret may even be too strong of a word. More like disapointment, really. My years in high school were fun. They might not have been as party-filled as others, and I may not have been the social butterfly of our class...but for the most part I'm happy with where I stand in the grand scheme of things. I'm happy with it because I like a lot of the out come that came from high school, and the things I'm not so happy with I can change. School helped me learn a lot about myself. It helped me find true friends, it helped me define my personality, it educated me to reach for my dreams, and it also showed me a lot of what I want out of my life.

High School has shown me exactly what True Friends really are. It's shown me that being scared to speak up is irrational, and that my thoughts and opinions are important. I still may not be the best public speaker, and I may not be the skinny homecoming queen, but those are the things I'm working on. (Not that I have to be a skinny homecoming queen, but being healthy is a great thing.) The years in school have shown me the worst in people, and at times, the very best. I've had laughs I've forgotten, but I still feel in my heart, and around the edges of my mouth. I've had cafeteria food that probably shouldn't pass health regulations, but somehow still does. I've had teachers I'll miss, and some I'll be happy to wave goodbye.

So...I don't have that many regrets, and if we're going to give them that title, I'd say they're regretlets. They're small, mostly insignificant "what-ifs" that there's no use lingering on. I can only use those what-ifs to shape my future. They'll propel me to go to more social gatherings, be a part of a team, and speak to new people. All these years as a teen has shown me that what's outside the box, no matter what pretty wrapping paper it has, is nothing compared to whats in it. And I'm finally brave enough to tear open that shiny neatly wrapped present to see just exactly what I've gotten inside.

Friday, May 21, 2010

moving on

Graduation is connected with a lot of emotions. Mostly happiness, a lot of relief, a dash of fear, but also, and a larger part than I first realized, sadness. In the beginning of the year, when graduation felt miles and miles away, I was just excited. Excited to leave, excited to start new things, excited to get it over and done with. No part of me was really sad, no part of me was thinking that I may not see some people anymore. Besides, the people I really wanted to stick close to were already my close friends, and I'd see them anyway.

This year has brought me close to so many new people. Not a lot, but a handful and that handful has become so significant. I don't know if the same goes for them, and honestly that doesn't matter. They've meant a lot to me, and I'm honestly starting to get sad as the days count down closer to that cap & gown day. I'll miss kids in my classes that I became close to just because we sit close to each other, but that I soon realized were awesome people that I wouldn't mind seeing and laughing with every day. I'd miss the people who wiggled under my radar, that gained my friendship before I could even blink, that's how fast it happened. I'd miss the annoying underclassmen that thought I was so funny and continues to say "I'll miss you!". I'd miss the kids I strongly dislike, if only because they gave my friend and I something to rant about each and every day. I'd miss the teachers, the too-bright-lights, the desks that seemed to permanently turn my butt numb.

I won't miss homework, the way the school is either too cold or too hot, or the way that the freshman clog up the halls like annoying blood clots. Graduation is a truely adult thing, and I didn't even realize it. In adulthood, and I know this because of adults constantly saying it, things happen that you can't stop. Their are things in adulthood that happen that we're not always happy about, but we need to do anyway. There are teary goodbyes, misleading relationships, scary accidents, happy moments, loving memories....all of these things combine to make the sourly sweet concoction that is adulthood. I just didn't imagine I'd get my first taste of it so soon.

I'm going to have to say goodbye to some people that I may never hang out with again, who I won't have class with again, who I won't laugh with again. Facebook can only do so much, and even if they're an email away, it's not the same. School is a social network of the highest degree. We spend most of our time in those seats surrounded by each other, and I'm going to miss the individuals that have made me laugh so much that I'm going to have premature laugh lines around my mouth and eyes.

I'm going to spend the days I have left enjoying brilliant laughter, showing them I appreciate them, and that I'm going to miss them. There are some really amazing people in the world, and I happen to know quite a few of them.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


There are days when I know what I want for my future, or at least a light guideline of what I want; I know I want love, stability, a career I enjoy, a safe place to live and raise the kids I want someday. I want my family and friends, I want new experiences, I want to laugh more than I ever have before, love harder than I knew I could. I think I can get all that, too. Then some days I feel like I'm stuck in the dark and I'm stumbling around in this unknown room searching for a light switch. It's scary, but not discouraging. The future is one big mystery, a huge question mark. Most of it you pave for yourself, life is what they make it, or so they say, but then there's the other part. The part that's actually scary. That part where life could throw you the curve balls you weren't ever trained on how to hit, or to even catch for that matter. I'm scared because although I'm legally adult, I still feel like I'm a kid who needs her parents guidance. I feel like while the real world is lovely, it also has the sharp corners that are rounded and softened in childhood. No longer is daddy or mommy there to watch where you fall, and if you do fall, they won't be there with kisses to magically heal. I'll truly be on my own, making the decisions, buying the bandages to put over my own cuts, and leading something called a life. That's scary. That's exciting. That's...amazing.

Every senior I know is counting down the days to graduation, I'm one of them. We're all so excited to leave, to get away, to start this life we've envisioned since we got into high school. I'm almost positive that although some more mature than others, some more smarter than others, we're all going to get out of school and think...what do I do now? You could have every Life 101 book available and still not know what to do. How does one go about establishing a life? How do you find someone who is going to love you for everything you are, and everything you aren't? How am I suppose to pay bills, get to work on time, be an adult? It's like the most uncharted territories of all time, for me. I thank my parents so much for preparing me as best as they could, helping me to be the person I am now; one that has room to grow, but already has her traits rooted deep to be kind, caring, compassionate, loyal. I think the personality I have is going to help me become a great adult in the future. I'm not boasting, I'm not stroking my ego, I have faults like everyone else. But I think that something that sets me aside from a lot of teenagers (although not all of them, I know a ton of amazing kids my age who have great qualities and more) is that I'm determined, I'm respectful, I'm logical, but also, the best thing of all, I know that it's going to be tough. I don't expect it to always go my way. My life growing up has already prepared me for the down times, "bad times", those times when you just want to scream and cry and go back to being a know-it-all teenager.

There is so much i want to do, and I'm not even sure that the blurry version of the future I hope for is what I truly want. All of my dreams might shift, might change, might become something better I didn't even know I wanted. All I know for sure right now is that I'm going to try and make the best of life that I can. I want to continue to laugh freely and deep, like I'm in on a joke nobody else knows. I want to smile even if I don't have the perfect smile. I'm going to dance with my own moves to the song playing on the radio. I'm going to love exactly like I know how to, and share amazing days with the people I know and love.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

perfection in imperfection

There's a lot more to life than just success, fame, and money. Perfection is broadcast by the media as being this famous beautiful skinny popular person; someone who has everything, when yet most of these people have some of the biggest character flaws I've ever seen. The thing is, the media has caused a lot of insecurities to rise up in me. It has for a lot of people, and it always will, I think. But what I've slowly been learning is that a lot of people don't see perfection as what is being advertised on billboards, magazines, and commercials. A lot of people find perfection as being imperfection. Loving yourself for who you are, being the best person you can be while realizing you have flaws, and knowing you are beautiful for those unique qualities.

There's still a couple things I'm not happy with about myself. Somethings I can't change about myself, and others I can. Most of the things I can change are personality based. There is a part of me that is concrete; my way of always finding a laugh in something, being there for someone no matter what, loving so hard that it's sometimes scary. Yet there are some things that I know are going to be difficult to change, and I might carry them with me forever, but I want to keep them in check. One would be my temper. I'm sometimes quick to anger, and I'm amazing at fighting. I hate fighting, and I hate knowing it's something I'm good at. Words shouldn't be used as sharp spears to throw at others when you're angry at each other. I want to smooth those sharp edges of my personality and fill them more with love, patience and understanding. I've honestly been trying, and sometimes I move up a notch. Other times I feel like I fall back more than I've moved forward; but knowing this means I've gained progress. Everyone has things about themselves that can be changed, and everyone has things about themselves they need to just embrace. I want to embrace the physical "flaws" (in my eyes, anyway) I have, embrace the lovely personality I know I have, while trying my hardest to grow and change to become a mature young women.

I've hurt some of my family members with my sharp tongue, and I've caused a lot pain. Not to say I haven't been caused pain, too. Fighting is like a double edged sword, but I've acknowledged the fact that my need to get my two cents in isn't always helpful, especially when I can be a sassy, witty, know-it-all itch with a capital B. There are parts of my temper that I think are positive, such as knowing when not to let people walk over me, and always being willing to back someone up if they needed it. I'm not afraid to fight for myself and my beliefs. There are parts that I think are negative. My need to always get the last word, or my use of digs only to upset the other person. I don't say these things to make digs at myself either...I just know that this is something I need to change within myself. I'm trying to become a person I can be happy with, I'm honestly trying, and I think it's good that I'm doing it now, instead of realizing it 20 years down the line when it might be a lot harder.

I may always have a bad temper, actually, I know I always will. But that doesn't mean it has to be pronounced. I can soften it, keep it in check. This is my goal, and I can be very determined when I want to be. Sometimes I slip up, like tonight when my mother and I fought...but it wasn't as bad as it could have, and has, been. I call this progress. And tomorrow I will apologize, and even that can be seen as a step forward.

We all have flaws, or things we aren't happy with. This isn't bad, they don't make us any less perfect, in fact....they make us even more perfect than any breath taking, skinny, glamorous life-of-the-party model on TV. Because God made us all unique, with different personalities, and that makes us so much more amazingly perfect.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Hail the size of golf balls

Thank God it's Friday! This week went fast, in a blink of an eye, and yet during school it felt like forever. We ended Friday with a bout of bad weather over here, and I'm not talking just rain. No, rain we can deal with. Heck, rain can be fun. When it's hailing ice the size of golf balls? Fun? Nope, more like ow.

It was humid all day, and just inching towards a storm...but we had no idea it would hail like this! To be honest, the storm wasn't that bad (although there are still places with thunderstorm/torando warnings in effect), it didn't last long but it was the speed and size of the hail that made it seem bad. It was ricocheting off our garage, the roof, the windows. It sounded bad, and I hope everyone who got the hail was inside or under something because I couldn't image being out with the hail of the century falling down outside. You'd be bruised for sure.

To give you an idea of how fast this hail was coming down, and how big it was, look at that hole! They were all around the yard. We got a range of hail, from the size of dimes all the way to the size of golf balls on steroids. It was pretty cool considering I've never seen hail like that before. It's nice to experience something new every once in a while. Even if it's a hail apocalypse.

My friend was considering a bonfire tonight, I have no idea if those plans are still a-go. Either way, I don't mind. I'm in a mood where, if we have the bonfire, I'll be ready to party hardy, but if I stay home, I'll be ready to laze around and go to bed early. It's that kind of day. My week has been surprisingly good. I've gone to bed earlier than I ever have before, so I've been resting well and waking up ready to go to school. I helped my friend with her graduation cards, inspiring a mini-photo shoot because we both made our own invitations, and we added our pictures on them. It was fun, and hanging out with her always reminds me that I want her to be the friend that sticks with me into adulthood. I'll try my hardest to stay in contact with her no matter which way our paths take us, even if they may be away from each other.

School is ending so fast. I'm not yet in that excited count down mood, but I'm aware we only have like 16 more days until we're out for good. Even less until Prom. Our senior year wasn't as great as some past senior years have been, what with our school starting construction and things getting shifted, and them just generally not caring if they take away senior privileges from us...but we got through the year, and we're on our way. Which ever ways we all take, we're done! The ones that go to graduation, the ones that get their diplomas, they will always have that to look back on. They finished high school, we finished high school. It's such a weird thought. Even though I'm planning on going to college, it'll be so different from high school. No longer will I have to get up, hop on a bus, sit through 80 minute classes with teachers I've gotten to know, have flex with my friends... My friends. Probably the only thing I'll miss from school. I made such amazing friends through these 12 years, and I hope I make more in the coming years, too.

It's going to be so weird, the day after graduation, waking up and realizing I'm not going back to school. School will still be in session, 'cause seniors get our early. Okay, now I'm getting a bit excited. I can't wait. At this point in our lives, we just want to move on. We want to experience new things, meet new people, create new experiences and memories. When I look into my future, I just see happiness, fun, love. I'll have good times, I'll have bad times, but they'll be all apart of the same thing: life. There's something so beautiful in life, and I just want to live it for all it's worth.

Have an amazing weekend! I'm going to have a busy one.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Zoetic: of or pertaining to life

There's so much I want to talk about right now, and yet I'm just not sure what to say. I don't even know what direction this post is going to go in. It's like when you have so much in your head, circling images that firework across your brain, and you just can't focus. It's like that, except my fingers are what can't focus, they can't get what I'm thinking into words. I guess I could start by saying I feel all the 18 years I've been alive; I feel young. This isn't necessarily a bad thing (youth seems to be what everyone is after), but I see all these grown up women who have youthful spirit yet they've got themselves, or their lives at least, figured out. They have plans, jobs, families...I want that so badly. I want to skip over these years of figuring out what I want and go straight to that comfort zone. That beautiful adulthood of solid friendship, warm love with a significant other, the sticky kisses from your little's on your cheek. I want to stay young forever, who doesn't, but I also want the things that come with being an adult, too.

Of course, all of those things come with growing up, which I'm going to have to do if I ever want those things, and boy do I ever want them. I want them like a cold drink on a hot summer day because it's the only thing you believe can cool you down. Life is so precious, and yet so fragile. When the girl in my school passed away last year from a car accident, I just looked around at all of my classmates and thought, that could have been us. Our lives are expirable, and I don't think people get that fact quite hard enough. Life is picturesque, and I can't image why people would waste such a potentially beautiful thing away like people do. We need to live for the day, live for ourselves, our children, our family. Whether by accident, by someone else's actions, by disease, no matter what takes someone's life...that should just be more reason for each one of us to appreciate still being alive, still being able to love another day, to see our family and friend's faces and give thanks. It's a scary world sometimes, and all of this terrible news that's on the news just makes me strive harder to become the best person I can be. I'm doing that for myself, my family, my future. It's a little harder than I thought, but I'm honestly trying. I've seen so many amazing people and it has given me faith that evil has not taken over this world. It has shadowed the light, but I still see the suns rays peeking out.

I'm going to try my best to create the best moments I can in life, so that I can look back and think "I did not live my life filled with regrets." I'm going to take every possible chance that's thrown my way to broaden my horizon, my personality, my relationships, anything. I want to smile carefree and happy, remembering there is beauty in the world.

This wasn't exactly what I wanted to talk about. I was thinking this would come out being a more sad-sounding post, considering starting this I was in a less than desirable mood, but writing this out and listening to uplifting music has put a smile on my face.

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die discover that I had not lived.”

~ Henry David Thoreau

Monday, May 10, 2010


Today honestly did not feel like a Monday. I felt surprisingly refreshed once I got myself awake enough. I even felt good on the bus this morning, lip syncing to my songs and smiling happily. That hardly ever happens. I haven't bothered to get my license yet, and I really do need to get on that, but until then I ride the bus. Each morning we pass a cemetary, and I'm a very touchy person when it comes to death, so if I'm feeling down enough I get upset and try not to look, because the feeling the sight of those tombstones, and the thought that I will someday have one, bring on is painful. Today though, and this has never happened, I looked at them with a smile, lovely music filling my ears, and the smile reached my eyes as I saw the tiny American flags waving from them, flowers, trinkets and gifts set delicately to the side of the gray stones, bringing a wave of color to their otherwise dull pigment. I couldn't look away, and as I looked I just thought they are still remembered, they are still loved and for that moment I felt okay with the thought that I will someday die. Unknown be damned, it will be okay. Who knows how long that will last, I'm a very touchy person with that subject and it's locked away in a black box that I hate opening, shoved into the corner of my mind to be found hidden by dust and cobwebs when the topic gets brought up.

Although still technically spring, and as cold as it is right now with this quick coldfront we've gotten, I feel summer in my bones. I see it in the vibrant colors spring has brought with it, the green of trees, the reds, yellows, purples of blooming flowers, the deep chocolate brown of wild animals coming out of hibernation. It's beautiful, like a bird song deep in my heart it makes me want to break out of my school's walls and just pick flowers. School is so dreary! Our school has whites, blacks and a very very mustard yellow. Why not bright yellow? I don't even get to hear bird songs during class, they're cloaked by the banging, beeping, shouting of machines and workers adding onto our school. Try listening to that for 160 minutes every morning, in a freezing cold room no less! I like my first two classes, but they could be a bit more pleasant with a little bit of color and warmth!

I believe my college stuff is working out. You'd think with all this funding they say goes out to schooling, they could help the families who truly need help (mine!) instead of turning their backs on us and leaving kids scrambling around for alternative ideas. America doesn't have its priorities straight on some issues, and on others they focus too heavily; there is undistributed help! Anyway, someone should write a college help book. I mean a thorough one that goes from top to bottom on things to expect because I could have used one a while ago, and I bet it would get the author big money. College is so hard to see, and beyond that's even blurrier, but I am so excited for it. I'm not so much excited for the down times, which I know I'll have my fair share, or the tons of responsibility (ugh), but for the people I'll meet, the job(s) I'll have, the guy I'll someday settle down with, the house we'll buy, the pitter-patter of feet on the floor, so excited for every ounce of that! Life is a truly wonderful thing and as a kid I don't think you get to really experience even a quarter of it yet. I'm ready to move on to the amazing, new, wonderful things I know life has in store for me.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

a mother's love

I want this post to be about my wonderful mother, and about how much I love her & wanted to show her that today. But with that said, I need to say how...not terrible, but unappreciative I've acted through the years towards her. My mother and I have had head-butting fights for as along as I can remember. The types of fights that bring stinging words out of your mouth because you're hurt and angry, but then the minute you say it you wish you could suck them back in, lock them away and throw away the key. At that point, though, the pain has already sunk in. I'm 18 now, and mostly we're okay. We hardly fight, and they're not the destructive fights they use to be, and I think I know why we fought- we were so much alike. We were, and still are, stubborn women who didn't want to be wrong, who didn't want to say sorry because we had too much pride, and who felt hurt that fighting was what we resulted to. It's so much better now, and my mother and I are closer than ever. She is the type of friend you can depend on no matter what, no matter how long you haven't seen them, through wind, fire, rain they will be there.

My mother's best friend called this morning, and her mother died the day before so she was very down-heartened but I told her Happy Mother's Day none-the-less because she is a mom and she deserves to have that recognized. I told her what I did for my mother today, and she remarked on how mature I've gotten in the past year. I can honestly say I agree with her. I feel more mature. Don't get me wrong, I still make lame jokes, I curse too much for my age, and I can run with a dirty joke like any other teenager...but inside, I feel a part of me has aged and grown and is ready to walk that road to adulthood. I have so many people to thank for that, but mostly my mother.

I wanted to make today so special for her. She has gone through so much last year and even into this year that I wanted to let her have a day that just screamed YOU ARE LOVED! I woke up extraextraextra early, 7:00am early, which for an 18 year old is like walking into unknown territory because I'm rarely up before 1:oopm on a Sunday. I made her breakfast: pancakes, muffins, eggs.

I galloped around the front lawn at 8:30 in the morning, eyes still bleary from sleep, body still clad in pajamas, as I searched for wildflowers to add to her mother's day tray. It was windy, cold and I quick put on sandals so my toes were frozen, but you know what, I didn't feel a speck of agitation. I was just worried about finding flowers because you can't have a mother's day tray without flowers, no matter what kind they are. I made her pancakes with a little extra love & surprise: with chocolate chips (only to later find out while she was eating them that she wasn't that fond of chocolate chips, but she loved the pancakes anyway) and I even added a dollop of whip cream on them. Only now writing this did I remember I forgot to cut the pancakes out as hearts...oh well! She felt the love even without having to show her in the form of pancakes. I'm surprise that in all this cooking, in which I had the burner on and the stove, I didn't burn myself. Not even once. I have a long track record for finding ways to get my appendages burnt. I love cooking (mostly) but cooking does not like me!

I waited patiently but with anticipation as the clock read 8:45, 8:50, 8:55. I re-heated the food I made (I got up a bit too early and ended up having extra time, which I spent going around the house tidying up, because even if Mom doesn't notice, she won't have to do it) and got the tray set up perfectly. Utensils, a napkin that had a sweet "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY" note on the side (handwritten), wilting wildflowers, and my homemade card & gift propped up front and center on the tray. It was possibly the best arrange for mother's day I've made thus far, and I've been making her breakfast for mother's day for quite a few years now.

My mom usually gets up on sunday's around 9:00 so at exactly nine I peeked open her door only to see her tired, just-awake eyes locked on mine, and I saw her smile and I matched her one of my own. I walked in, gave her a kiss, told her Happy Mother's Day and told her I made her breakfast. Mom doesn't always do the breakfast-in-bed thing, so I asked what she wanted and she said she'd be out in a couple minutes. I excitedly left and put her tray on the table. The thing about mother's day to me is, that it really should be every day. Why do I only do this for her once a year? I know I should do it more, and that's on me, but why legally is there only one mother's day. I am totally for having several a year because mom's deserve it, yo. The stuff you mom's do is amazing and while I haven't always known you were getting your mom on, and us kids were taking for granted all that you did for us, I know now, we know, at least somewhat, and we're so ready to say thank you. (Although I've seen some kids and how they act and I honestly wonder where their mom's have been...)

She loved her breakfast, she loved her homemade card, and she loved the video I made her. The video was pictures of her and I together when I was a baby; her holding me, feeding me, loving me. I put on a nice song in the background, added some Mother related qoutes, put a person message at the end, and there you have it. A perfect mother's day gift. I've become very good at making videos on my laptop, and use it to my advantage on special occasions. (Like the one I made for my parents for Christmas, the one that even had my dad wiping his eye and declaring he wasn't crying, he just had something in his eye.)

Mother's Day isn't over, so suck the marrow from today's bones and remember that while most of the year you may sometimes feel like an under appreciated superhero, a superhero no one recognizes, we do and your kids love you. Kids love everything their mothers do even if we don't know it, because in the end it makes us great people, who grow up to teach our kids the things you taught us. It's a beautiful cycle that I can't wait to be in someday. I can't wait to have a mother's day of my own, where I am a mommy that is being appreciated, while also paying my thanks to my mom for giving me the greatest gift: Life.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Happiness is homemade

I'm always a bit...forgetful when it comes to people's birthdays. I don't mean to forget, and it isn't that I'm too busy to remember, there just seems to be some flaw in me that forgets when people were born. This happened to me a couple days ago.

My friend Cait is one of my dear friends. We've gotten really close these past few years, and she's been my coach & supporter through all this messy college stuff. I don't see her often, she's very busy and we don't have a schedule in school that coincides. Early this week we'd been talking, though, and she mentioned her birthday. I filed it away but I didn't realize how close it was, and when the day actually came I had no clue. She sent me a text after school asking me what day it was and I flinched. I forgot! I forgot after she told me two days ago her birthday was so soon. That was like a whole new record for me in forgetting a birthday, let me tell you. So I apologized and she told me something even more heartbreaking...everyone else had forgotten her birthday too. My guilt meter was smoking at this point, and I knew I had to do some serious recon to make her birthday feel more special.

Everyone loves a surprise on their birthday. Whether it's a homemade sign on their locker, a quick hug and a hurried "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" before being swept out of the hall, or even a small gift of some sort. I just happened to be in the car with my mom on my way to the store when I found out I had forgotten, so it was perfect timing. I loaded myself up on all the ingredients I would need to make her an awesome cake. But cakes are a little boring if you can't spice them up, so I decided to make her a cake-muffin. Muffin pans filled with cake batter. It was an amazing idea! Except for how it turned out to be a bigger mission than I had planned and took me hours to make/clean up; I even missed my show! It was worth it though, to tell her I had a surprise for her tomorrow, and then today see her smiling face as I showed up with four huge white & purple icing cake-muffins with a personal note from me on the aluminum foil I'd topped the container with.

She ate one at lunch today (she showed up to my lunch, a welcomed surprise!). She loved them, even if she was sure she would fall into a diabetic coma from the sheer sugary goodness of it. I felt really happy to have made her happy. I realized that people who give-give-give have got something really special, because it can be really hard to put yourself on the back burner. I had a mountain of dishes to do, my back hurt from bending over bowls and scrubbing, and I was dead on my feet. But I did something for someone who appreciated it, and it made her feel special. That feeling alone made me feel like I'd gotten the gift.

I think people need to think less of themselves at times, and more of others. It would honestly make our world a happier, shinier, more beautiful place.

Happy Friday!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

a beginning

I keep a special journal for the really important things in my life. The things I want to remember no matter what get written in between it's pages. Concerts I go to of bands I love, the first job I ever had, even the death of a beautiful girl in my class that I knew. It's all written down. These things are precious to me, the good and the bad, because they make up experiences in my life that I really feel helped me become who I am now, and who I will be later. But I wondered... What about every day things? Things like getting a long awaited package in the mail, going out with friends, reading an interesting book, a night of baking, or a quiet evening spent at home. Where do those go? Those surely define who we are even more than the huge events in our life.

I've blogged before, but it wasn't anything serious because I was younger and mostly it was a place to rant my frustrations out, or post silly thoughts. I don't want this necessarily to be a "serious" blog, I just want it to be something I can look back on to see that those little things, those big things, everything that happened to me created who I was when I wrote them, and who I will be as I read them. I want to use this blog to appreciate the moments in life with family, friends, and even strangers. I want a place to write my path to growing up because I haven't even reached the end of that journey. I want to look back and be reminded how important those memories meant to me at the moment; how the insignificant things, and the significant things weaved to create the someone I hope one day I can be.

Let's see if I can actually stay on this road to growing up, because sometimes I think I never will!
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