Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Fastforward. Rewind.

Most of the time I like being in the here and now. I feel it's not healthy to think about days long past, unless it's to remember a happy memory, or recall a sad one (although only for a brief moment). It's not good to wish you could go back to being a kid again, because unless I somehow come up with a way for time travel to be possible, I am stuck in the current time dimension I am in right now. Right now I am a 18-soon-to-be-19 year old who goes to college, works, doesn't get to see her friends much but still has the best time when she does see them. My life, on a scale of 1 to suck, is not that bad. I enjoy it, most days, because not every day is a good day, and not every day is going to be.

But one thing I find myself doing, other than sometimes wishing to be a kid again, is wishing I could fastforward my life. I want to be in that comfort zone, I want to be established. I want to have that loving husband who somehow convinced me to marry him because he's right for me in every way possible, even if he sometimes leaves his dirty laundry on the floor, or has different taste in music than me. I want the house that may or may not be too high of a price but it screamed 'us' so we bought it and love living in it. But most of all? I want the little pitter patter of feet on the floor, the "mama"'s and "dada"'s being said in a quiet soft voice, and the screams of laughter I know will fill our house (cause if it's my kid? Yeah, they'll be loud). I want friends who come over (maybe even with their own kids) just to check in and have a bit to eat, while we sit Indian style on the floor watching our kids bond.

I want to miss all the in between just to get to that place, but then a large part of me doesn't. I don't want to miss having my first love, and having my kids, getting my college degree, and buying that house. I don't want to miss the mistakes, the successes, the moments and memories I will acquire that will help me become an even better, wiser, open minded and beautiful person than I already am. It isn't that I want to be an adult, because Lord knows if I could stay a teenager and have all that I's that I just want that life so bad, I don't want to wait. And no, I don't want the "settle down" life. If I want to go to a rock concert, I'll have my husband watch the kids, or maybe we'll go together and find a babysitter. I'll still wear the clothes that define me, and dress my kids in even awesomer clothes. My house will sometimes be a wreck, and I probably will burn the cookies me and my kids attempt to make more than once...but i want it. I want my mom and dad to have grandkids and look at me with even more pride in their eyes.

I love my life now, but I think I'll love my life even more then. A huge part of me is sorta scared I won't even get that life, and I think that's what makes me want to just fast forward to that I know I have it, so I can't spend all my life working for it just to find out I never get it.

But life doesn't hand you a remote with those options, and right now I am a 18-soon-to-be-19 year old in college who spends most of her time at school and work. Right now I should be studying for a quiz tomorrow. I'm not a mommy, I'm not a wife, and I don't own a house. But I know someday I will if I try hard enough, so I'm gonna go study hard and try not to think to much about how I'll be having fun with my friends this weekend...I don't need the distraction!

Have a great rest of the week!


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