Wednesday, December 29, 2010

speed bumps

There are things that I've learned about myself through these 19 years that are sometimes hard to admit. One of these things is that sometimes I have misguided anger, and these anger issues sometimes are unfounded. Not to say I'm violent, or I'm intentionally hurtful. No, just that sometimes my anger can strike in situations fast and fiery red hot and it's a little dramatic and uncalled for. Sometimes it isn't. Most of the time though it leaves both of the parties, me and whoever I'm mad at/is mad at me, feeling hurt and apologetic. It's been an issue with me as I've grown up, and these past few years I've had a reign on my anger, and I try to be more zen about it, and how I unleash it.

The one thing about this anger is that it makes me look like I never get hurt. It makes me seem like I can dish it out, and I can take it, too. This, as I've also painfully learned, isn't the truth at all. For as much as I have shielded myself, on the inside I am as soft as a fluffy fluffy marshmallow, and admitting that now doesn't bring up the indignation it did a few years ago when myself or anyone else would hint of it. Having a soft center, having feelings that can be hurt, is not a bad thing at all. If anything it has more positive qualities than being unfeeling does. It allows me to feel for others deeply, more deeply sometimes than people realize, it gives me compassion and allows me to put myself in others shoes. But the one negative side is that I can get my feelings hurt in a flash and sometimes whoever has just hurt those feelings won't even know it, because I cover it up with that defensive shield of anger, or sometimes I just play it off like it was nothing.

I'm writing this for the same reasons that I write about other things: it's therapeutic. I know that half the world, if not more, goes to therapy for some issue or another, and most of the world that doesn't see someone or talk to someone probably wishes they did, or probably should. Point is, I feel no regret in posting about my feelings, or posting about my shortcomings because we all have them. Do I sometimes wish I wasn't so hotheaded? Yes. But for the most part I'm glad that I have some sort of defense mechanism because i have seen those who have none whatsoever, and it's very sad. They allow people to step all over them, and in the end they still get their feelings hurt. So whether you have a backbone or not, your feelings are always vulnerable. I'd rather have that extra layer of protection to back mine up.

When I was younger fights were common between my mother and I. Her and I have shared some very hurtful words between the two, but we're still extremely close. I use to not understand how this happened, us forgiving after saying such mean things, or fighting so loud and hard, but now I know. Her and I are so very very alike. In some we are completely different. But we're alike in the way that we are stubborn. Oh, stubborn as hell. This ingredient mixes perfectly when you are in disagreement with one another and when added to that, kabooms into a huge chemical called fighting. We're so close because we know this, and although that doesn't make the fights we had, or still sometimes have, okay, they make us see that we still love each other and we can trust each other still after what we've been through. Fights are far and few between us now a days. I think mostly it's because I've tried to realize that my anger needs to only come out when it's called for, and even when it's called for it needs to be toned down. There are days when it does come out in full diva form, but again, far and few between. We've become ten times closer now that I'm older and an adult because we've overcome and been through so much, that fighting just is so stupid and doesn't seem worth it in the long run. Any disagreements or spats we have now seem so tiny in comparison to some of the fights we've had in the past.

I started this post a couple hours ago when I was feeling hurt and angry over family issues, yes, we've all had those before. I wrote it right before my friend came to pick me up for bowling, and I felt like maybe I should stay home...but another thing I've learned is that when I'm feeling down, when anyone is feeling down, we should not seclude ourselves. Sometimes it helps to be alone, but in this moment I just knew that as much as I didn't want to be around anyone, it would help me to get out and have fun. So we went bowling, and I did have fun, and it did make me feel better. So I write this now feeling way better than I did before, and typing this out helps me realize that throughout my life I am going to feel these emotions again. I am going to feel like I am at the lowest peg on this metaphorical ladder of life, but the great thing is that I can always get back up and climb. I just have to allow myself to do it, and let others help guide me when I otherwise cannot. That's what life is about; the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, getting what you wish/hope/dream for, and other times being devastated that you didn't. This is a hard concept to get, and I know there are days when I'm going to scream, or think angrily, that this isn't fair. Because we all think it, and it's true. It isn't fair. Life isn't fair, it's what we make it. I plan to make my life extraordinary, and sometimes in order to get to extraordinary I need to slow down at those speed bumps and go over them cautiously.

It's nice to get things off my chest sometimes. It's almost a new year!! Stay safe.


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