Tuesday, December 28, 2010

driving the car

I've learned that driving comes with great responsibility. When I'm driving, there's so much I need to do to protect myself and to protect others. I have to be vigilant and aware of not only my own actions, but everyone elses. I have to make sure the car has gas now, for when I need it and especially for when my mom does. I have a rough time doing that one, and there have already been times when mom has had to fill up the tank that i depleted. I really need to get better at that... and I have to make sure I don't break the car, which is the problem I faced today.

I hung out with my bestie, Marie, today and we went shopping. Now, I wouldn't say I'm a bad driver, but I'm certainly not the best out there. Mom told me tonight that I'm not observant enough, and I'm kinda unsure how observant I have to be because I feel that to drive you pretty much need to be observant fullstop, but I guess there are leveling degrees of observation? I'll work on that... Anyway, I guess this could be true because I managed to drive my car over a divider. Like the ones that divide the parking spaces sometimes in front of you? Yeah, the whole car over that. I wasn't going fast, but by the time I knew what happened the front tires were over so I decided to just...go forward until the whole car was over. I know, I know! Stupidstupidstupid!! But I'm a new driver! I figured backing up and doing it again to the front would have been REALLY bad, and for all I know it might have been!

So my friend and I got out of the car but nothing was broken, that we could see, and nothing was leaking. Yay! Then i somehow screwed up the door latch (Still don't know how I did it, or if going over the curb thing was related to the door not working) so the door wouldn't close! Then while examining the passenger side door to see how it was suppose to work, I screwed that one up too and the latch clicked down and I couldn't get it back up... AAA, We need you!

It took the man less than a half hour to get to us, and less than a minute to fix the latches. Ugh. I am forever keeping a screw driver in our car now because all he did was tap them twice and the latches went back in position.

While I was out and about, I didn't let the car issue get to me much. The car didn't seem broken, and the door wasn't an issue because it hadn't been broken, the latches just clicked into place (when normally they do that when the door gets shut) and we couldn't unlatch them. But when I got home tonight and told mom, because there wasn't even a doubt in my mind not to tell her, I knew she wouldn't get that mad at me, and even if she did I would pay for any damages (and still will!), anyway when I got home and told her I suddenly got really upset about it. I just didn't want her to be mad at me, or doubt me when I go driving because I really am good about what I do on the road, even if i sometimes need to slow down at times (which I acknowledge and keep my speed maintained afterward). I just felt this guilt and I always want my mom to be proud of me, and in this moment of admitting I'd screwed up the car, that I'd made a mistake, I felt so defeated and afraid that she'd be less proud. She was so proud when I'd got my drivers license, and I loved that, I wouldn't ever want her to think less of me for mistakes I'd made.

I know that sounds ridiculous because my mom would never do that, but I also didn't want her being disappointed in me. Which she might not be mad at me, she most certainly is probably disappointed in me at least a tiny bit. I don't even want to ask if she is because she'll probably say she isn't but I know she has to be feeling it just a little. And that hurts me the most, and that's why I got upset. For as much as I can walk the walk, talk the talk and fight with my mom tooth and nail, I am a mama's girl at heart and I just want her to be proud and think highly of me. I felt as if this moment was neither of those.

It's hard to make mistakes. For anyone. Personally they leave me feeling embarrassed, stupid, and feeling impossibly young. I hate all those feelings. But mistakes are part of learning, and let me tell you I will most likely never go over a curb like that again in my lifetime. So lesson learned, I suppose.

In the end though, I had a great day. The car thing didn't even effect our good time, because my friend has called AAA so many times, she's like "I'm use to it, and I can't judge you when I can't even remember how many times I've called in the past 6 months." Which, good point. So we went shopping, spent too much money, laughed, and had a good time.

I needed it. (:


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