Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Adu, January! Almost...

I can't believe we can almost bid adu to January, that we've spent almost a whole month in this new year. Honestly, this month has probably allowed me to go through the best learning experience I've ever had.

Growing up, and I've probably said this before, is shaped by our experiences. It's shaped by those who touch our lives, those we allow into them, and the situations we get ourselves into, or that force themselves upon us. Any one of these can quickly become, or just be, a bad experience, but what I've learned is that you have to try and look upon something that isn't the best experience as just another lesson learned. A lesson to add to my charm bracelet of life, where I can let it dangle delicately from my wrist; always there to remind me that I've been through that, no matter how good or bad. These reminders help us grow as people, help change our perceptions, and allow us to create better experiences for ourselves, because once we find something that wasn't quite right, we can go in search of that something that is right.

In my case, it's more of a relationship experience. This month has helped me figure out the type of relationship I'm looking for with a man, and one that I am not. It's told me the type of girl I am; the kind that likes flirting, winks, a hand on her side, the emotions that come with all that. If those elements are missing, count me out- it's not for me. Every women is different, some like more serious things, and some don't mind flings. I'm not the latter girl, I want something serious, a connection to someone else that allows me to learn them, for them to learn me, and us to get to know one another well. I've been through a situation that just didn't feel right, and it was because it wasn't what I was looking for, and in experiencing it it has told me so much about myself.

It's disappointing when something you really want doesn't go the way you expect, but I understand why it's not going how I wanted and I'm happy I've learned what was missing so I can take that knowledge and apply it to future experiences. Not every experience I have is as enlightening, and sometimes things happen to us that are really hard to get over. I just try to really remember that nothing can defeat us unless we let it defeat us; even in the worst of times someone can smile at a good memory long past. Everything we do stays with us and I'm learning to apply what I learn, what I remember, and what I go through in the present to my ultimate goal. My personal goal is to create a life I am completely happy worth living, with people I love with all my heart surrounding me, and always with a sense of humor.

I take each day as it comes, because otherwise it can get overwhelming. There are a lot of what if's: with my job, my school, my family, my friends, etc. It goes on, and people forget today because they're worrying about a tomorrow that may be close but isn't here yet.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

so nervous!

First day of classes was actually tuesday but I didn't go because of the killer storm. So now today i'll wake up at 8am and get ready to go to my classes for the first time. I am so nervous.

I'm heading to bed right now but writing helps me get the feelings out, and then maybe later I can look back on this and laugh because there was nothing to be nervous about.

Yikes! off to bed, now.

Monday, January 17, 2011

random toolate/tooearly posts

Aren't random 2:30 in the morning posts just the bees knees? I think so.

We're supposedly getting a huge storm tonight, which judging by the snow falling steadily from the sky and coating our already snow-covered yard, is actually truth. I usually hate snow, and I'll curse it up and down the block and back, because it's cold, slushy and wet. I hate it. This time around though, I feel differently. For one, I'm praying this weather will cause my college to cancel it's classes and I get a few more days before I need to go back to school. And secondly, I want to sled. Yes, I said it. I want to put on those layers and boots, trek up to the biggest hill I can find and sled down it. The only problem is I don't have a sled, but I'm sure I can find a substitute. I'll only get to sled though if my classes are canceled tomorrow. So please snow, I will take back every bad thing I said about you if you only work in my favor by coating the roads to hell and back and icy them up like nobodies business!!

The responsible college student in me is screaming for me to go to sleep. The teenager in me is like "you're so gonna have a college snow day, stay up late!!" I'm really unsure about how colleges judge it. I've only been in college for one semester and my college hasn't ever closed for anything other than holidays- and sometimes not even those! So we're playing it by...nothing, really. I'm the only one to blame if I gotta get up at 8 in the morning after falling in to bed around 3 or 4am. Just hope the snow + my tired soul won't = something terrible. Hmm. Sometimes I wish I loved coffee...

Either way, snow day or no snow day, I'll set my alarm for 8am regardless. If I have school, I'll get up begrudgingly and get ready to leave. If I don't have school I'll fall back to sleep, wake up later, maybe work out (ohhh, ambitious) and find someone to come sledding with me (aka: find someone who actually has a sled). I haven't done that in forever, and there's something about flying down a huge hill that gives you that rollarcoaster-rush feeling. I just hate the part where you gotta work your way back up, that part sucks. I remember when I was younger I wish I had a portable escalator. Wouldn't that have been awesome? I'll find someone to make that a reality and patent it.

On an entirely different note, things with my boy (and although we're not dating, I feel he needs a title on here other than his name, so it'll do) are progressing slowly and amazingly, to sound totally sickeningly starry eyed. As I've said before, I am not disillusioned to the realities that surround our bizarre relationship, but for once it's nice to be the girl who gets the eyes turned on her, who has the guy wanting to talk to her, or hold her hand, or just brush against her side. I like the compliments, and the smiles sent my way. On the flipside of that, he is a guy. Which means sometimes he upsets me, or annoys me, or just down right confuses me. I don't know how to judge this thing we have, is him ignoring me for a while mean he's mad at me, or mean he's just busy working? Does him not talking to me for a bit mean I did something, or is he just in a distant mood? I guess I'm the same way, because I don't always come into work ready to smile his way, or flirt with him; sometimes I'm tired, or wish I was at home, or just mad at something a costumer did. That's okay, I never get really upset with him about it, and by the next time I work I'm ready to lure him in again.

I feel like on here, and in real life, I talk about it too much. I feel I give off the impression I want to get married to him someday and have 2.5 kids and a house- none of that is in my future with him. In fact, our future is just as long as we allow it, which means it's day to day because the days I work are when we see each other. I'm pretty positive he knows this too, but we never bring up the fact there's nothing beyond this flirt-at-work thing. Sometimes you just need something like that. I don't expect every relationship i have to be serious, and in a way I'm kinda glad my first brush in with a boy isn't too serious. For a lot of things I like to jump right into the pool, full on cannon ball, and for other things I get overwhelmed easily and toes-first is the only way I can go. That's how I feel with this. Big toe first, test the temperature. Then slowly we sink down the steps until suddenly before you know it you're waist deep- but the option to get out right then and there is always there, and I like that I have that with this. I don't have to jump in and fight my way out, I'm only inching my way in so that if suddenly I can't do it, or don't want to do it anymore, all I gotta do is calmly get out. Woah, analogy over-kill but I think that one was easy enough to follow.

For the record, he does mean a lot to me. He isn't someone I'm toying with to have a good time. I'm not like that, and he is the first boy I've ever done this type of stuff it's safe to say he's probably got the advantage. Mental-wise though, I think I have a steady ground of where we are, or where I think I am anyway. I know what I want out of it, and I know where it can't go. Will he be my first love? Who knows. I like him alot but love is a big thing, and how can you tell romantic-love is really love? I have nothing to compare it to... Even if I fall in love with him, not everyone stays with there first love, and I know I won't either. He will become a memory to share with my husband, a life lesson to share with my kids, and a good memory to look back on when I'm older reminiscing about my younger years. We all need those, right? I want those. That's what life is about. We piece together these parts of us that are made up of encounters, experiences, people, places, emotions. We remember them, we live them, we go through them. They don't always stay, they don't always go, but they'll forever make up who we are.

Too deep? I don't know... We'll end it there, I guess. I should get to bed, it's almost 3:00am yikes!! Come on, snow, give us all you've got.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

slice of happiness

I felt compelled to write today. Something inside of me just wants to feel the keys click under my fingers, and see words form across a white blank space. I don't have something earth shattering to talk about, but I think that's okay because life isn't always filled with those amazing days that take your breathe away. Sometimes you need the days that give you room to breath, so that you're ready when the wind get knocks out of you- in a good way, or a bad.

Something that has been nagging at the back of my mind is how content and yet, uncontent I am with where I am in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm doing fine right now. I have a good enough job that I actually enjoy, I have great friends, and I'm in college. With that said, there are lots of things I don't like about where I am. I'm not in the college I want, I don't get much time to be with my friends, I'm having family issues that take their toll on me and financial issues to boot. On a normal day, those things don't bug me I can look past them, and even today I'm not bothered all that much because I know I am the one to shape my future, and I'll get it there. But I wanted to reflect on it, on how much I want this to change and how very scared I am to see it change, and how if I could I'd stay in this exact time period of my life forever.

I have a job I actually enjoy going to, that I get decent money from, and I'm getting somewhat of a college degree however scattered, so I'm not uneducated, I have friends old and new that I love being near, and my family is here with me. In that place I want to be none of those exist. I'd have to move to go to the college I want, and neither my family nor friends are willing to move with me and I wouldn't ask. My job certainly can't come with me, so I'll have to find a new one. I'm scared of having to find another job in this unsteady wobbling economy. It's so very easy to stay with the place you're use to, the place you feel comfortable and warm, where you know every inch of terrain and nothing is surprising. But that's not what life is about. Life is about going forward, taking those chances to achieve your happiness and dreams, which ever they may be. Mine just happen to take me a little farther away from my shelter, from my home.

I am a very stubborn person, so my two sides are very conflicting of each other. One is holding the flag of "You can't leave! This is your home!" and the other is like "You need to leave to start your life, they will always be there for you where ever you may be!" and while the latter side has a winning argument I am a girl who loves stability, and familiarity, and doesn't always like change.

So I guess what I have to do is...enjoy this moment of my life well, take advantage of it and remember that to go forward I must be confronted by things that make me uncomfortable. That's how it has to be. We must experiance new things to learn more, so we can shape our lives to become a piece of our own slice of happiness.

Happy Saturday!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Under Construction?!

I decided that with the passing of Christmas, and us already 13 days into a new year (I can't believe it's friggin 2011 already) that it was time for a change. A whole new template change. Now, I'm pretty good with computers and working my way around the internet, but even with a High School HTML class under my belt I am crap at working my way around a template for any website.

If there's stuff that looks wrong, or confusing, or just plain stupid, know that it's my fault and I hope to fix it soon. Not like anyone really goes on here, but, just saying so I don't look like a dummy who doesn't know what's wrong with her blog. I got this! I hope...

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Nella's Rockstars!

I know not many people get a glance at my blog, something most days I'm not bothered by. But I know the power of spreading the news and even if a lone voice is screaming something in a deserted room, there is the power of at least one person overhearing it. I'm gonna be that lone voice today.

I didn't really get to a whole Resolutions for 2011 post because I haven't really made any for myself yet, and most of them have just carried over from 2010. One thing I'd like to take a moment to say is that somewhere in 2010 I changed. In a magical beautiful way, that made me see myself in a more magical beautiful light. I became more loving, more accepting, more me, than I've ever been before, and I can't say it was just a shift of character on my part. A small part of it was friends and family, and the growing responsibilites of adulthood that made me grow up just that little bit, but the largest by far, was reading this amazing women's blog. There is power through words, and there is power through love. She combines both of those to create magical and truly inspiring posts, which are about her love of her family, especially her two beautiful girls. Somewhere deep inside me her words touched me, and I realized that if I'm not the person I want to be, if I'm not loving the hardest I can, if I'm not sucking the marrow out of everyday, even if the day is boring and drab and a lets-stay-in-our-pjs day, what use am I getting out of this magical world? I don't want to regret things I knew I could change, so I changed myself. Not drastically, and not to become someone I'm not, but to enhance who I am, and I am loving it.

With that said, her second daughter, Nella, was born with Down Syndrome, and Kelle has used it to get her voice heard to help not only her daughter, but the other 400,000 Americans that live with it, too. Here is where my voice will be shouted as loud as I can, and if you happen to hear it, and stumble across this post, I urge you to donote to her Cause whatever you can. $1? $5? $20? $100? Whatever amount you can, or feel like, donating is a miracle to these beautiful people, who just need a bit of our help to reach their full potential. We all have the chance to make our dreams come true, why shouldn't they? I fully believe that if we cared just a little bit more for each other, and helped out one another just a bit more, too, we'd be living in an even more beautiful world. And let's be honest, it's pretty beautiful now, if you just let yourself see it's good side. (:

You can donate here: to Nella's Rockstars. A Cause started because of her daughter, but that gives back to the Down Syndrome community. Come on, people! Let's help raise her goal of $15,000! We're halfway there. So please, if you see this, or see it on Facebook, or someone else's blog...please, please, PLEASE, donate!

I don't ever donate, mostly because I couldn't before, and I can't possibly donate to everyone, but when you find something you're truly passionate about, or that you know needs your help, you don't overlook that. So I'm not, and you shouldn't either.

And if you're still not sure about donating, read this post of Kelle's. It says what I couldn't, and let's you see what I can't make you see.

This world should be seen as a whole, as a community, and if we just let the ones struggling in our community alone to struggle by themselves, without helping them, that says a lot about us. We should at least care for the ones in our community who need help. So, please, care about them, for they are beautiful and amazing and no different than us.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

True loves...

first kiss.

There are defining moments that every person goes through in life. They're like proverbial rights of passage that we tick off when they happen and which bring us that much closer down the road to being grown up. These events come sooner rather than later for some, but in this thing we like to call life, we all experience things at a different pace. That's probably why I feel no hesitance, shame, or even embarrassment to write what I'm about to write about. This is my life, and in my life I will go through things others haven't, and be utterly inexperienced in things people are pros at. This keeps our earth turning, and leaves us all unique, with surprises at each turn of a new day.

Let me start this story off by saying that I don't live in the most populated place in the world. Not to say I'm living in the middle of nowheresville, but it's at least a 20 minute drive to anywhere of city-like busy-ness, and you have to drive to get to anywhere remotely called a Mall. I went to school with kids I've known since kindergarten, and when you weren't the most beautiful, skinny, or popular girl in your grade, your chances of finding someone in this small school pretty much became none existent. With that said, I've never really had the chance to have a relationship with a boy. This could be the part where you snicker, or your eyes bug out because yes, I am 19, or you ask what's wrong with me? I don't know the answer to that because I've never stopped a boy to ask, and I'm not really sure that I'm the one doing something wrong. In fact, I know I'm not. I can be flirty, I can be nice, and let me tell you I can crack one hell of a joke. It's the area I'm in, and I know that. It's like when you live somewhere your whole life and everyone knows you, even the grandma of that shop owner down the road, and then you leave and suddenly the world gets so much bigger but really it's just your section of the world was kind of tiny. That's exactly my problem.

January 3rd will always be marked down as one of my rights of passage, because while it took me a tad bit longer than most girls, I got there on my own, and with a honest-to-God real actual boy. Who kissed me of his own free will. Yeah, there was a lot of "Oh my God"'s and smiling on the way home in the car. Typical teenage moment? I had it. I know it might seem stupid to write about this, but I did begin this blog by saying that I wanted to write about these moments so I could look back on the ones that were of importance to me at the time: the significant and the insignificant. This, to me, is very significant and when I look back on this, I probably will still agree with myself.

I think what makes it even more special as my first kiss was that it wasn't with someone that I feel nothing for. I genuinely have a crush on this boy, even if there are several huge complications cramping my style. The whole day was perfect. He was in a fantastic mood, smiling at me and giving me attention, and we shared this moment that I can't even describe. I was in this moment of pure...butterflies-in-stomach-want-to-throw-up bliss. It was the most amazing thing I've ever felt. In that moment I felt like the most important thing in the world, because having someones attention on you, and knowing that they care about you in some small way or another, it feels...monumental. And scary. And so freaking good. I couldn't stop smiling this stupid little smile, I must have looked like a dweeb.

I've blogged about him before, but I like to keep our details semi-private because even though nobody ever reads this, it means a lot to me to keep the complications of this not-quite-relationship...confidental. Out of respect for him and for myself. It's not perfect, and it's not like that kiss magical changed anything, because it didn't. I have conflicts within myself over this, but that doesn't take away the magical feeling that kiss brought with it. It doesn't ruin the moment that got painted in that kiss we shared, no matter how small it was, or how other things come into play.

If I ever read back on this, and I most likely will, I just want myself to know how happy I was in that moment. I was so so happy, and no matter what year it is when you've (older Jess) stumbled back to read this, I know you won't forget that feeling, even if the actual moments leading up to it blur around the edges. Like a good friend told me, he will forever be in your memory as your first kiss, and that won't ever get erased.

I work this weekend with him... Am I nervous? A little. Do I think it will be weird? No. I honestly don't, because we're friends and I won't allow it to get weird because secondly we're also co-workers. I have a level of professionalism that I don't want to get affected by this, and that I won't let get affected. Am I a bit afraid he'll act different, however which way? Yes, a bit. But I think that's normal for anyone who has a connection with someone like that. Either way, I shall go to work knowing that before anything it's my job, and anything after it comes second. Maybe I'll wear a little bit more makeup, a touch of lip gloss and pull out the jeans that make my ass look great but hey, a little effort toward looking good at your work hasn't hurt anyone, right? ;)

I wanted this to flow better, to convey a little bit more of what I felt on that night, but I think that moment will be locked away in my heart, that feeling will be present in every fiber of my being, but I don't think it's something I, or the english language, could possibly explain. It's something you can share to someone but words fail to describe. That's what this post is.

But first kisses, baby. They're pretty awesome.
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