Monday, November 29, 2010

the unspoken

There are a lot of things that get unspoken in the world, both good and bad. This can be said for anything. The unspoken I'm slowing starting to understand is that college is hyped. It's sung praises back and forth between both parents, teachers and even the students. I mean sure, you hear that it's going to be hard, you hear that it's going to be work, you hear that it's nothing like high school. Then you hear that it's amazing, it's completely different, you have so much more freedom to do what you want (i.e. party...).

No, those are all the spoken things about college. So I know it's hard, I know it's work, and I know it's got its kick with the whole 'freedom' thing. Nobody told me how very emotional draining and even...lonely, it was. I mean I know it's different for everyone. You have the kids who go to college and love it, they live on campus, they go to parties and even manage a C+ on that hard chemistry test. Good for them! That's great. That's just not my experience.

I have been up to my eyeballs in work and school, and trying to juggle the slowly growing pile of all the stuff I need to get done. I'm a procrastinator, I've said that, but even when I'm on the ball, it slips out from under me and I have 20 more things I have to get done AND still do my shift at work. It's like I have THIS much to fit into this much of time I'm given and it. sucks. I've always been both a strong and emotional wreck of a women, it's not me being dramatic (although that I can be too!) it's true. I can fight back strong and hard, but I'll be crying by the end of it. I don't find this a weakness, and I've found that every once and a while you need a good long cry. I use to time it. I'd go weeks being a strong solider, and then break down. I'd build myself back up and trek back on my merry way with my boots just that much tighter. I don't let things get me down, because once they've got you down, it's so very hard to get back up.

I would say I'm struggling to stay up right now, but I am still standing. I feel lonely and work-ed out and keep getting the thought "lets just drop out of school" even if it's the last thing I want to do. I want to see my friends, I want to spend some of the money I've continually saved up because I feel I deserve at least a little reward. Plans I've had for a week blew up yesterday and it just broke me. I cried hard for a minute or two not because I was weak, but because I was frustrated and tried and sick of everything going wrong and only a tiny bit going right. This wasn't anything like I was told college would be, and I feel a bit unprepared.

Our plans have been rescheduled for today and I'm at the point where I just realize that something could go wrong. I prepare myself, which I don't always do but after yesterday I feel it needs to be done in order for me to keep standing. I don't want this to be my life for forever, and I know it won't. The holidays are coming, I want my break, classes are preparing for finals. It's all hard. So I don't see my friends because it's hard for them too, and I have to do my shifts at work because I love my bosses and don't bail on work because I at least try and be a good employee. So I do my job and I go to class (mostly!) and I try and get my work pile done...but I've been slipping behind and now I have a research paper I had weeks to do....that needs to be done by the end of the week and I've hardly type-type-typed away at it.

It's my fault and I blame no one but myself, but I realize I need to stop working against myself! So I'll have my fun today (if all goes well) and then the rest of this week is GO TIME. I will get this paper done, and in true Jess fashion it will sound like I've spent months on it and not just a few weeks. I will study for the upcoming finals in the next week and a half, and then when that's done i will breathe. I will exhale. I will celebrate the holidays with friends and family, and welcome my 19th birthday with a smile.

This is life. That I have been told. That isn't an unspoken. Life is hard, life is tough, and yet life is so very very good. I want it to be good for me, and I want to see that good instead of just the constant frustration.

Oh Holidays, please come faster!


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