Sunday, August 22, 2010

Kiddies/ College Nerves

Oh, and what a relaxing last day of my summer vacation I had. I woke up early in the morning to birds chirping, got things done, and relaxed the rest of the day with the piece of mind that tomorrow I would be going to a whole different school of a different level and it would all be okay......

In my dreams.

My last day of summer went something like this:

My cousin and his girlfriend had their babysitter cancel on them so they called us desperate and unable to change the plans they already had for today. They asked us if we could watch their little girl, my cousin laila. My mom agreed because she understood how that feels to have someone back out on you and you are left hanging by a small fraying thread. But yesterday my aunt came over and my mom decided my cousin Liz and Laila should have a play date, so now two kids were scheduled to come on Sunday- the day I had planned to relax and just get use to the idea of going back to school.

So basically today was filled with little kids screams and giggles and "Let's play this game!" in the air, while I clenched my teeth and sat back rubbing my temples. To be honest, I did enjoy some of their company. I played with them and they weren't bad for some parts of the day but when my patience ran out it ran out. I was getting annoyed and frustrated and mad. Today was not what I had planned and I hate that, but what's done cannot be undone. Now Laila is the only one here, seeing as how Liz left a half hour ago, and she's quietly watching TV. Perhaps my day is not all lost.

I'm writing in attempt to get rid of my headache and also make myself feel less nervous about tomorrow. I'm pretty good with changes after I get use to them. Initially, though? I hate change. I don't like not knowing what's to come or what something has in store for me. Once I've gotten a small glimpse of it though, I'm okay. I get use to it and move on. This is a huge change, and right now I am not looking forward too it. Obviously I paid for college, I want to go, but this is such a huge step up from high school. It's like a stepping stone just too far out of reach and I can't seem to quite get the stone under my foot to leap over. I'm pretty sure that once I figure out how to safely land on the other side, I'll be settled on that next stone and ready for the next thing thrown my way.

I've got my tote bag all college'd up with the books for my Monday classes, a thick notebook, a thousand pens and pencils just in case, candy, a calculator and my phone and iPod will soon join the ranks. I may not enjoy change, but no one can say I don't meet it head on by being prepared. This feeling is exactly what I got with High School, although not as worse. Shifting to high school was so scary. It was bigger and the class schedule was different, and people were so much older than me. Guys had beards. Girls wore makeup and dresses. Back when I was a middle schooler we were all just starting to dig into that stuff (now I bet middle school is pretty much an extension of HS anymore). College is like that except the age differences doesn't bother me, I see tons of guys my age with beards, and I'm a girl who wears a dress or two herself while doll'd up in makeup. There's just the huge campus, the classes that sounds way harder than I bet they are (or at least I hope) and the huge dollar sign hanging over me saying "DON'T MESS THIS UP". Maybe I should feel very scared, but mostly I'm nervous. I'm a people person at heart but throw me in a crowd of new people and even I clam up a tiny bit. We all have that fear of nobody liking us, not matter what we look like, who are parents are, how much money we have, or what we're wearing.

Ah, my headache is finally residing. So is my nerves, because deep down I know that the people who I love will always be there for me and that's all that matters. If i flunk out of school, I will still have friends and I will still have family who love me unconditionally. The people at school don't like me? Pffft I already have the greatest friends on the planet, why should I worry.

Yeah...I'll be okay. (:


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