Tuesday, November 30, 2010


You know those things that happen that just put everything in perspective? That thing that suddenly makes you wonder how you could have been getting worked up over something so stupid, or feeling so much about something as silly as that when something as bad as that was happening to someone else? That happened to me.

I have been a wreck for this past week and a half. Well, maybe not a complete wreck. I've had my highs and lows, but I'd say I've been riding the low train for the past couple days. I've been hating school and hating work, because they make me feel like a slave. Like I wasn't working for me, or going to school for me, and just suddenly everything became totally and utterly unbearable. I felt self pity, about something as stupid as being overworked in both my job and academia, when most people don't even get the opportunity to have those, let alone at the same time. That wasn't what made me re-evaluate how I've been feeling. No...

My friend called me with important, yet horrible, news yesterday. She'd gotten sick, and passed out, and was now in the hospital getting tested on. She sounded scared, and small and totally so unlively and that is not like her at all. Instantly I felt scared, and felt sympathy, and felt like not enough prayers in the world could help her right now- I mean, where's Doctor House when you need him? But I'm going to. Pray, that is. Pray and pray and pray. But I'm also going to get my research paper done, and stop the tears I let fall yesterday and even today, when I suddenly felt overwhelmed for no reason. Because I am not in a hospital bed. I am not sick with an undiagnosed illness. I am healthy, for the most part ha, and I am able to work. I am able to write. I am able to learn. Getting overwhelmed, feeling pity for myself, being frustrated...those are okay to feel- but not forever. I had been riding this slowly declining train all week. I realized my stop was fast approaching, I need to get off.

So this is me stepping off, and trying to find my way back to being determined, to balancing out my time, to setting priorities straight so I don't feel this way anymore. I have a lot coming up. I have my drivers exam, I have finals, I have my birthday, I have more work, and I have the holidays. I have bills I gotta pay, and I have family I need to see. But I'm still not laying in a bed somewhere sick with worry about why I'm there, and I'm still someone who can understand when she needs to tightening her belt and go forth with all the effort she has.

So I will pray for my wonderful lovely friend, I will get this paper done, I will lay out study guides for my classes, I will attempt to pass my drivers exam (but realize that I can always call again if I flunk it!) and I will take that deep breath filled with cheerful holiday air as the 25th creeps up faster and faster.

I can do this.

Monday, November 29, 2010

the unspoken

There are a lot of things that get unspoken in the world, both good and bad. This can be said for anything. The unspoken I'm slowing starting to understand is that college is hyped. It's sung praises back and forth between both parents, teachers and even the students. I mean sure, you hear that it's going to be hard, you hear that it's going to be work, you hear that it's nothing like high school. Then you hear that it's amazing, it's completely different, you have so much more freedom to do what you want (i.e. party...).

No, those are all the spoken things about college. So I know it's hard, I know it's work, and I know it's got its kick with the whole 'freedom' thing. Nobody told me how very emotional draining and even...lonely, it was. I mean I know it's different for everyone. You have the kids who go to college and love it, they live on campus, they go to parties and even manage a C+ on that hard chemistry test. Good for them! That's great. That's just not my experience.

I have been up to my eyeballs in work and school, and trying to juggle the slowly growing pile of all the stuff I need to get done. I'm a procrastinator, I've said that, but even when I'm on the ball, it slips out from under me and I have 20 more things I have to get done AND still do my shift at work. It's like I have THIS much to fit into this much of time I'm given and it. sucks. I've always been both a strong and emotional wreck of a women, it's not me being dramatic (although that I can be too!) it's true. I can fight back strong and hard, but I'll be crying by the end of it. I don't find this a weakness, and I've found that every once and a while you need a good long cry. I use to time it. I'd go weeks being a strong solider, and then break down. I'd build myself back up and trek back on my merry way with my boots just that much tighter. I don't let things get me down, because once they've got you down, it's so very hard to get back up.

I would say I'm struggling to stay up right now, but I am still standing. I feel lonely and work-ed out and keep getting the thought "lets just drop out of school" even if it's the last thing I want to do. I want to see my friends, I want to spend some of the money I've continually saved up because I feel I deserve at least a little reward. Plans I've had for a week blew up yesterday and it just broke me. I cried hard for a minute or two not because I was weak, but because I was frustrated and tried and sick of everything going wrong and only a tiny bit going right. This wasn't anything like I was told college would be, and I feel a bit unprepared.

Our plans have been rescheduled for today and I'm at the point where I just realize that something could go wrong. I prepare myself, which I don't always do but after yesterday I feel it needs to be done in order for me to keep standing. I don't want this to be my life for forever, and I know it won't. The holidays are coming, I want my break, classes are preparing for finals. It's all hard. So I don't see my friends because it's hard for them too, and I have to do my shifts at work because I love my bosses and don't bail on work because I at least try and be a good employee. So I do my job and I go to class (mostly!) and I try and get my work pile done...but I've been slipping behind and now I have a research paper I had weeks to do....that needs to be done by the end of the week and I've hardly type-type-typed away at it.

It's my fault and I blame no one but myself, but I realize I need to stop working against myself! So I'll have my fun today (if all goes well) and then the rest of this week is GO TIME. I will get this paper done, and in true Jess fashion it will sound like I've spent months on it and not just a few weeks. I will study for the upcoming finals in the next week and a half, and then when that's done i will breathe. I will exhale. I will celebrate the holidays with friends and family, and welcome my 19th birthday with a smile.

This is life. That I have been told. That isn't an unspoken. Life is hard, life is tough, and yet life is so very very good. I want it to be good for me, and I want to see that good instead of just the constant frustration.

Oh Holidays, please come faster!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Eye of the Tiger

Ah, I'm writing this from in front of a blazing fire, from the comfiest couch I have ever laid on, with a glass of fantastic apple cider fizzing by my side. I feel relaxed, comfy and ready to drift off.

You've just been taken to the tiny dream-world in my mind, but it's time to get back to reality now. Reality is sometimes harsh, and sometimes amazingly fantastic. Today it reared it's ugly head at me, but I've fought back with a sword and shield because I'm here by my own doing. I procrastinated all weekend even when I knew I had stuff I had to do, but I think I'm going to be okay, even though i probably shouldn't be writing this and should instead be writing my paper. Oh, well. I can only NOT procrastinate so much, it's like I need at least some level of not-doing-what-I-should-be in my blood.

Work today was great. It went well, even if it was a tad boring, and I had fun. I always have fun. My little cousin is here, and not annoying me which is a god send. ;) I've sent out an email and revised (shittily revised, but hopefully my partner has my back) paper to my english partner, so that's checked off my list. The only thing left to do if finish my Music Paper, create a short power point, and then I've only got one, count it, ONE more paper left to write. (Which subsequently is the hardest, but I digress...)

Perhaps this upcoming week will turn out to maybe, possibly become a little more bearable than I originally thought. We'll see. But I feel better than I have in a while, despite college kicking my backside, and the holidays are coming up. I just feel like good things are about to happen...or that it's going to get better. That's always a good feeling.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Yet Again ):

Another not-so-good mood today. I don't do it on purpose, I swear! It's just that writing for me is therapeutic, I guess. No one really reads this, and even if they did, these are my thoughts, my words, and they are harmless. I shall say what I want to say and hopefully it'll help.

It doesn't help that lately I have felt...off. I don't feel as peppy and bright as I usually do. I feel tired, rundown and sick. Not cold-sick, but more...I just don't feel like I'm at 100%. I feel like I'm down in the 40%-60% range, and I keep fluctuating between. Never above, never under. This gives me bad days that can be doozies, and then it gives me days where I feel okay, but never perfect. Today was a 50% type of day. I was great for most of the day, and then slowly it just took a turn for the worst. By the time I got home from work, I crawled in bed and let the first few tears fall.

It's a lot of different things. The first is that college is kicking my ass. I've already talked about it, and it really is affecting me more than I let up. There's too much to do, and never enough time to do it, and I don't have time for anything else. I go to school and I work, it's just overwhelming. And I'm stuck here with no other options. I want to go to school, I want to be something more, something great, but this is physically effecting my character...my personality...and there's nothing I can do. The only thing I can do is stop procrastinating, get work done, and wait for the holidays. I think I can do it... I've gotten this far, haven't I?

The next thing is this whole guy situation. This was never an issue for me before, and there are parts of me that are non-nonchalant about it, and other parts that think so much into it. The fact that I'm unsure if this is for real or a convenient type of thing gets to me. Really gets to me. Because a part of me is like "lets have fun with this!" and then to the other part of me it means something. It means something that he smiles at me, or gives me looks, or wants a hug. And then I'm stuck here smiling goofily back, but secretly wondering what the hell is going on. That's not quite as big of an issue, but I can't say it's helped anything. Sometimes it makes me smile and feel good, but then I'll think to much about it and it becomes this thing. So...I guess it is what it is. We'll see.

There's a ton of little things that aren't helping, but this isn't a "lets list what makes Jess sad" post. It's just a...get-things-off-my-chest post. And I do feel lighter. I feel like I can do this. After I post this I will work on my college work and I will trek through it. I will smile at that boy, and try not to get too worked up over his reaction. I will write this paper and not worry that it's due in less than a week.

I'm not superman, I'm just human. But sometimes we all need to put on our cape and pretend, right?

Friday, November 12, 2010

Do My Thing

So many posts on my facebook this morning are about how it's finally friday. Of course, I join them in the elation the weekend brings, but it's way to close to Monday and the start of my busy and deadline-filled week.

I'm a procrastinator at heart. If I could get paid for it, I'd be in procrastinator heaven. Sadly, no one likes someone who puts things off at the last minute. The only good thing about this is I've become super good at doing almost anything last minute. Getting dressed in the morning under 5 minutes flat, doing makeup in a blink of an eye (or even in the car), typing out a banging paper the night before. It's become something I've gotten use to, and in High School you can get away with that type of behavior. College is so different. It's not like I haven't already typed out a banging paper and gotten a good grade, no I've done that already. It's the fact that procrastination when you have tons of deadlines in one week is bad...so so bad. I have a couple papers due next week and neither of them are finished, heck, one isn't even started. So while this friday is great, and the weekend is approaching, I can't find that deep smile that represents time away from school that likes to show up. In comes a worried frown and a "how the hell am I going to do this!?" thought bubble floating above my head.

I've written out a "weekend to-do!", as I've called it, which hopefully helps me manage my time a little bit better. I think I can do this if I can stop getting distracted every other second. Not only are these papers I have to write, they're research papers, which is probably why I'm more eager to do anything else but what I'm suppose to be doing. I love writing, I do, but research papers are not writing...they're hell. I have to look up someone elses work and try and form my own thoughts around it, but also citing who I got it from and all the while trying not to plagarise. Hey, not doing it on purpose! If i wanted to plagerise it wouldn't be the wrods of some old scholar who talks in big words I don't understand. it would be words of like, budda or someone famous. Those are words to steal. ;)

So yes, my weekend is not filled with partying or seeing friends, nor sleeping. It's filled with work in the morning and coming straight home to work on projects I really should have had done already. This is only my fault, and I admit that wholeheartedly. The only thing left to do is my thing. And my thing is famous. Doing my thing can totally get all this done.

Have a great weekend!

Monday, November 8, 2010


I seem to blog when I'm feeling upset, which isn't what I want the overall feel of this blog to be. Growing up and living life is not always a depressing, sad, unfortunate experience. No, there are a ton of great, happy, laughter-filled moments I have had. It's just those tend not to get documented. On my wishlist, not a christmas or birthday one, but just a regular wishlist, is to buy a camera. Not the one everyone and there grandma has in their bags, but a real heavy duty get the job done camera. I want to be able to document these moments I have, to look back on them and smile. Which is why I sort of started this blog, but along the course I think I've forgotten why I made it. I didn't make it to rant or relieve my frustrations, I did it to show all points in my life: the good and the bad.

It just so happens that yesterday I had a bad day, and while at college today instead of trekking across campus to the library to write a blog out, I pen-and-papered it so that I could type it here later. So the following paragraphs (and yeah, I wrote about 2 pages worth so it's going to be looong) is what I wrote about how I was feeling while sitting in college, listening to music, and trying to remember that sad days can not and will not triumph over my good days..

Have you ever had something grow on you? (and here is where my analogy skills, not sure if they're good or not, come in to play) Like maybe you picked out the wrong color and didn't notice until your walls were painted a plum purple instead of that more vibrant-purple you were going for. But soon, after going day after day into that room, having memories created in it, you start walking in and getting a feeling of warmth, of home, of contentment, and that unpleasant feeling you once felt for those walls now turns into a fond one.

That's been happening to me, only not with a color on a hypothetical, or even real, wall. It's been happening with a certain person. It wasn't like I didn't like him, he was and still is a friend of mine, but as he shows me more and more of his color, the more I feel like his color is the right one. And as I feel more and more fond of him, my "oh this isn't serious- I'm just having fun" is turning into a "did he smile at me? Is he looking? Do I look nice today?" type of deal. (I guess walls and crushes on boys don't really go together, but I'm not the analogy princess, so try and work with me, k?;) And suddenly those once-ugly walls give you comfort on a particularly bad day. Today I saw this;

That tiny word, just one word, on a insignificant thing like a pencil, was my once-ugly wall today. It was the thing that made me remember him and the attention he gives me, and for the first time all day today, I smiled. I've never been someone who got boys' attention, and I'm still not. This is new to me. Sometimes I still think "these walls are not the color I wanted" or in a non-analogy way "these boys are just playing a trick, they don't like me". But the reason I say that is because, back to analogy, these walls have been white for so long that I'm use to that. It's my comfort zone. I'm use to my friends having someone, and me having no one. So to have even a tiny splash of color on my walls, the tiniest bit of interest from a guy, makes me nervous, giddy and feel...special.

I try to be welcoming and flirty, and I know sometimes I come off as defensive and unapproachable. Not with people in general, but with boys. That's because I'm not use to them wanting anything but possibly friendship, so if they even tease about liking me, or they flirt with me, I write them off. But his attention has been going strong, and although we have our...issues we need to get past, I'm glad for his attention. He's cute and sweet, and maybe it won't ever be more than this, but that's okay. Right now this is what makes me smile on a bad day. Right now he is my unexpected wall-color that turned out to be perfect.

So that analogy wasn't the best, I get that, but I really wanted to write about this. He's a friend, and slowly becoming a crush, and I've only ever had several crushes...but when I do, I crush hard. The situation isn't perfect, and he's not even a real candidate for boyfriend material. But it's nice to feel special, and nice to feel like as a person you are wanted, you know? So I leave this blog, which started out a tad sad, on a happy note. Hopefully I can get some even happier updates in because I don't want this to be the-little-depressed-blog-that-could.

All I have to say now is that I gotta learn how to flirt. Turn it all the way up to 11. 'Cause I haven't had much practice with that, but I guess learning now is better than later, right?

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