Tuesday, November 30, 2010


You know those things that happen that just put everything in perspective? That thing that suddenly makes you wonder how you could have been getting worked up over something so stupid, or feeling so much about something as silly as that when something as bad as that was happening to someone else? That happened to me.

I have been a wreck for this past week and a half. Well, maybe not a complete wreck. I've had my highs and lows, but I'd say I've been riding the low train for the past couple days. I've been hating school and hating work, because they make me feel like a slave. Like I wasn't working for me, or going to school for me, and just suddenly everything became totally and utterly unbearable. I felt self pity, about something as stupid as being overworked in both my job and academia, when most people don't even get the opportunity to have those, let alone at the same time. That wasn't what made me re-evaluate how I've been feeling. No...

My friend called me with important, yet horrible, news yesterday. She'd gotten sick, and passed out, and was now in the hospital getting tested on. She sounded scared, and small and totally so unlively and that is not like her at all. Instantly I felt scared, and felt sympathy, and felt like not enough prayers in the world could help her right now- I mean, where's Doctor House when you need him? But I'm going to. Pray, that is. Pray and pray and pray. But I'm also going to get my research paper done, and stop the tears I let fall yesterday and even today, when I suddenly felt overwhelmed for no reason. Because I am not in a hospital bed. I am not sick with an undiagnosed illness. I am healthy, for the most part ha, and I am able to work. I am able to write. I am able to learn. Getting overwhelmed, feeling pity for myself, being frustrated...those are okay to feel- but not forever. I had been riding this slowly declining train all week. I realized my stop was fast approaching, I need to get off.

So this is me stepping off, and trying to find my way back to being determined, to balancing out my time, to setting priorities straight so I don't feel this way anymore. I have a lot coming up. I have my drivers exam, I have finals, I have my birthday, I have more work, and I have the holidays. I have bills I gotta pay, and I have family I need to see. But I'm still not laying in a bed somewhere sick with worry about why I'm there, and I'm still someone who can understand when she needs to tightening her belt and go forth with all the effort she has.

So I will pray for my wonderful lovely friend, I will get this paper done, I will lay out study guides for my classes, I will attempt to pass my drivers exam (but realize that I can always call again if I flunk it!) and I will take that deep breath filled with cheerful holiday air as the 25th creeps up faster and faster.

I can do this.


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