Wednesday, December 29, 2010

speed bumps

There are things that I've learned about myself through these 19 years that are sometimes hard to admit. One of these things is that sometimes I have misguided anger, and these anger issues sometimes are unfounded. Not to say I'm violent, or I'm intentionally hurtful. No, just that sometimes my anger can strike in situations fast and fiery red hot and it's a little dramatic and uncalled for. Sometimes it isn't. Most of the time though it leaves both of the parties, me and whoever I'm mad at/is mad at me, feeling hurt and apologetic. It's been an issue with me as I've grown up, and these past few years I've had a reign on my anger, and I try to be more zen about it, and how I unleash it.

The one thing about this anger is that it makes me look like I never get hurt. It makes me seem like I can dish it out, and I can take it, too. This, as I've also painfully learned, isn't the truth at all. For as much as I have shielded myself, on the inside I am as soft as a fluffy fluffy marshmallow, and admitting that now doesn't bring up the indignation it did a few years ago when myself or anyone else would hint of it. Having a soft center, having feelings that can be hurt, is not a bad thing at all. If anything it has more positive qualities than being unfeeling does. It allows me to feel for others deeply, more deeply sometimes than people realize, it gives me compassion and allows me to put myself in others shoes. But the one negative side is that I can get my feelings hurt in a flash and sometimes whoever has just hurt those feelings won't even know it, because I cover it up with that defensive shield of anger, or sometimes I just play it off like it was nothing.

I'm writing this for the same reasons that I write about other things: it's therapeutic. I know that half the world, if not more, goes to therapy for some issue or another, and most of the world that doesn't see someone or talk to someone probably wishes they did, or probably should. Point is, I feel no regret in posting about my feelings, or posting about my shortcomings because we all have them. Do I sometimes wish I wasn't so hotheaded? Yes. But for the most part I'm glad that I have some sort of defense mechanism because i have seen those who have none whatsoever, and it's very sad. They allow people to step all over them, and in the end they still get their feelings hurt. So whether you have a backbone or not, your feelings are always vulnerable. I'd rather have that extra layer of protection to back mine up.

When I was younger fights were common between my mother and I. Her and I have shared some very hurtful words between the two, but we're still extremely close. I use to not understand how this happened, us forgiving after saying such mean things, or fighting so loud and hard, but now I know. Her and I are so very very alike. In some we are completely different. But we're alike in the way that we are stubborn. Oh, stubborn as hell. This ingredient mixes perfectly when you are in disagreement with one another and when added to that, kabooms into a huge chemical called fighting. We're so close because we know this, and although that doesn't make the fights we had, or still sometimes have, okay, they make us see that we still love each other and we can trust each other still after what we've been through. Fights are far and few between us now a days. I think mostly it's because I've tried to realize that my anger needs to only come out when it's called for, and even when it's called for it needs to be toned down. There are days when it does come out in full diva form, but again, far and few between. We've become ten times closer now that I'm older and an adult because we've overcome and been through so much, that fighting just is so stupid and doesn't seem worth it in the long run. Any disagreements or spats we have now seem so tiny in comparison to some of the fights we've had in the past.

I started this post a couple hours ago when I was feeling hurt and angry over family issues, yes, we've all had those before. I wrote it right before my friend came to pick me up for bowling, and I felt like maybe I should stay home...but another thing I've learned is that when I'm feeling down, when anyone is feeling down, we should not seclude ourselves. Sometimes it helps to be alone, but in this moment I just knew that as much as I didn't want to be around anyone, it would help me to get out and have fun. So we went bowling, and I did have fun, and it did make me feel better. So I write this now feeling way better than I did before, and typing this out helps me realize that throughout my life I am going to feel these emotions again. I am going to feel like I am at the lowest peg on this metaphorical ladder of life, but the great thing is that I can always get back up and climb. I just have to allow myself to do it, and let others help guide me when I otherwise cannot. That's what life is about; the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, getting what you wish/hope/dream for, and other times being devastated that you didn't. This is a hard concept to get, and I know there are days when I'm going to scream, or think angrily, that this isn't fair. Because we all think it, and it's true. It isn't fair. Life isn't fair, it's what we make it. I plan to make my life extraordinary, and sometimes in order to get to extraordinary I need to slow down at those speed bumps and go over them cautiously.

It's nice to get things off my chest sometimes. It's almost a new year!! Stay safe.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

driving the car

I've learned that driving comes with great responsibility. When I'm driving, there's so much I need to do to protect myself and to protect others. I have to be vigilant and aware of not only my own actions, but everyone elses. I have to make sure the car has gas now, for when I need it and especially for when my mom does. I have a rough time doing that one, and there have already been times when mom has had to fill up the tank that i depleted. I really need to get better at that... and I have to make sure I don't break the car, which is the problem I faced today.

I hung out with my bestie, Marie, today and we went shopping. Now, I wouldn't say I'm a bad driver, but I'm certainly not the best out there. Mom told me tonight that I'm not observant enough, and I'm kinda unsure how observant I have to be because I feel that to drive you pretty much need to be observant fullstop, but I guess there are leveling degrees of observation? I'll work on that... Anyway, I guess this could be true because I managed to drive my car over a divider. Like the ones that divide the parking spaces sometimes in front of you? Yeah, the whole car over that. I wasn't going fast, but by the time I knew what happened the front tires were over so I decided to just...go forward until the whole car was over. I know, I know! Stupidstupidstupid!! But I'm a new driver! I figured backing up and doing it again to the front would have been REALLY bad, and for all I know it might have been!

So my friend and I got out of the car but nothing was broken, that we could see, and nothing was leaking. Yay! Then i somehow screwed up the door latch (Still don't know how I did it, or if going over the curb thing was related to the door not working) so the door wouldn't close! Then while examining the passenger side door to see how it was suppose to work, I screwed that one up too and the latch clicked down and I couldn't get it back up... AAA, We need you!

It took the man less than a half hour to get to us, and less than a minute to fix the latches. Ugh. I am forever keeping a screw driver in our car now because all he did was tap them twice and the latches went back in position.

While I was out and about, I didn't let the car issue get to me much. The car didn't seem broken, and the door wasn't an issue because it hadn't been broken, the latches just clicked into place (when normally they do that when the door gets shut) and we couldn't unlatch them. But when I got home tonight and told mom, because there wasn't even a doubt in my mind not to tell her, I knew she wouldn't get that mad at me, and even if she did I would pay for any damages (and still will!), anyway when I got home and told her I suddenly got really upset about it. I just didn't want her to be mad at me, or doubt me when I go driving because I really am good about what I do on the road, even if i sometimes need to slow down at times (which I acknowledge and keep my speed maintained afterward). I just felt this guilt and I always want my mom to be proud of me, and in this moment of admitting I'd screwed up the car, that I'd made a mistake, I felt so defeated and afraid that she'd be less proud. She was so proud when I'd got my drivers license, and I loved that, I wouldn't ever want her to think less of me for mistakes I'd made.

I know that sounds ridiculous because my mom would never do that, but I also didn't want her being disappointed in me. Which she might not be mad at me, she most certainly is probably disappointed in me at least a tiny bit. I don't even want to ask if she is because she'll probably say she isn't but I know she has to be feeling it just a little. And that hurts me the most, and that's why I got upset. For as much as I can walk the walk, talk the talk and fight with my mom tooth and nail, I am a mama's girl at heart and I just want her to be proud and think highly of me. I felt as if this moment was neither of those.

It's hard to make mistakes. For anyone. Personally they leave me feeling embarrassed, stupid, and feeling impossibly young. I hate all those feelings. But mistakes are part of learning, and let me tell you I will most likely never go over a curb like that again in my lifetime. So lesson learned, I suppose.

In the end though, I had a great day. The car thing didn't even effect our good time, because my friend has called AAA so many times, she's like "I'm use to it, and I can't judge you when I can't even remember how many times I've called in the past 6 months." Which, good point. So we went shopping, spent too much money, laughed, and had a good time.

I needed it. (:

Monday, December 20, 2010

nineteen, New York, and Christmas all wrapped into one!

It's crazy how fast this past week has gone by, and I've been meaning to write about so many things, like my birthday and New York and then I'd forgot, or not have the time, and somehow we got to Christmas and now I have so much to lump into one post.

19 doesn't feel any different than 18, then again I say that every year about getting older. But 19 sure as hell feels way different than 16. 16 feels so long ago, but at the same time I still remember being 16. Somehow I got from there to here; the shift from becoming a teenager to being a teenager to the branch into young adulthood included with bills, a job, and car keys. 19 brings me so very much, and yet I'm still deemed a "teenager" and I can't drink alcohol, so to most I still am a kid. In ways I do feel like that kid playing in her moms high heels, with smeared lip stick on my lips, but in the ways that matter I feel confident enough to rock the heels I have that make me a long-legged 6 foot tall beauty, and the dark red lipstick I have stashed away for those special occasions.

My birthday was spent with my best friend, laughing and having a fantastic time, and while the troubles of my every day life (that we all face and have to deal with) didn't vanish, they got momentarily forgotten for better times. I'm 19, and I plan on making it a fabulous year. Everyone has that one year that was fantastic; that when looking back on their childhood they think "oh yeah, that's the one I'd go back to". I want 19 to be mine, because while being 18 was filled with so many amazing things (like senior year, graduation, my first year of college, my amazing job, and getting my license) I want 19 to be the year where I have a blast, where I learn who I want to be and who I am even more, where I get into a little bit of trouble while having a lot of fun, meet new people, and maybe just maybe find that special someone to call my own. We'll see, 19 could be my year.

It's looking up to being my year because 19 was brought in with a bangin' trip to New York. We went the 22nd, and it was my second time ever in NYC. I went with four friends and it was amazing. It was cold but not cold enough to ruin our day. We got dropped off by a bus not far from Times Square and we spent the day walking around, seeing the sights, and shopping.

Not something you see in PA...ever.

It was very different from my semi-rural-suburban city in Pennsylvania. I'm use to fields, corn, horses and lots of open blue skies. I'm use to seeing our cities with lots of houses, and gas stations, and traffic. New York is ten times busier, dirtier, brighter and crowded than any city Pennsylvania has to offer. NYC is amazing in a very weird way. At times it smelled so bad but at the same time it was so beautiful and eyecatching. So many people, so many shops, so many offers- it was mind blowing to even think that some people deal with that every day, just to walk to walgreens! (Which, there was one of those on times square, too!) There were so many cars, trucks and there was an ocean of yellow taxi's that it was unreal to think anyone would need that many available to them. I don't even know how many blocks we walked, we only stopped once and that was to eat at an Applebees. Oh, i know what your thinking, "doesn't PA have an Applebees??" Sure. But this Applebees had like, 3 stories of space. The main lady seating us was wearing a dress. Ain't no Applebees like that in PA, no sir. We were on the second floor and had a good view of the people below us, perfect for people watching.

Don't even get me started on the stores! They were huge. It's like NY doesn't know the meaning of overcompensation. I mean, Forever 21 had four floors and a mens section. Our mall at home is serious lacking in the glitz and glam department because this Forever 21 was breathtaking. Sadly I only got one photo because they made sure to station someone right there at the door for the sole purpose to crush my little heart by saying "Ma'am? No pictures."

I walked in and like, gasped. Angels should have been singing.

The one thing I will tell anyone who goes to New York, especially if you're stationed in Times Square? Bring money. Because it's ten times better when you have it. Sure, seeing everything is nice, but Times Square was not created with the purpose to window shop. I wanted so much but only brought so much money and I forgot my credit card. It all worked out in the end, literally I spent exactly everything I brought except for a handful of change. Yup, I know how to rock it. Pushin' it to the limits! I know you can walk into any Forever 21 and shop in any state, but it just felt even more...more while in this one. Was it the glam? Was it the shiny? Was it the pure amazing awesomeness of the store? I have no idea. It just felt different.

My friends and I in New York.

I saw so many funny things, like someone holding a "NEED MONEY FOR WEED" sign (who turned out to be kind of a douche) and a man painted in silver pretending to be a staute. There's a Charmin Restroom building which we didn't go into but I'm pretty sure all that was inside it was toilets. Even New York goes to the bathroom in style! They have a whole store dedicated to M&M's and there are walls and walls of the colored candies. My friend and I were already making plans to go back before we'd pulled away from the curb at the end of the day. It was an experience, and if anyone is unsure about going- GO! It'll be worth it. I want to go back and see a musical sometime.

New York at night is even more lovely.

The Charmin Restrooms. "New Yorks #1 place to #2" their slogan, not mine.

Silver man! It was so weird to see someone just out on the corner doing this.


Last thing on this list to discuss is Christmas. I woke up around 10 something this morning sleepy and tired and kinda cranky. But that quickly passed and I was ready to open gifts, and my butt was quickly seated by the tree (my sister was already there on her side, a present ready to go in her willing hands). Mom took the dogs out, dad sleepily stumbled out of his room, and once everyone was seated we were ready to unwrap! My gifts were perfect, and only one thing has to be returned because I'm slightly stupid because I didn't know Bluray discs didn't play in regular DVD players, so my Supernatural Season 5 disc has no way of being played in this house at all. A mistake that will not be made again! Mom felt bad, but it's not her fault! I asked for it. So we'll just return it and get the regular DVD's and I can enjoy it then. No biggie.

I got some clothes, and makeup, books I wanted, and jewelry. I go this adorable owl bag I asked for because I love owls, and I kinda wish it was bigger because I'd make it my college book bag. Heck, maybe I will anyway if my books for next semester aren't that big or heavy. I loved Christmas this year, because it's not the amount you get, or the dollar signs that add up, it's the fact that my mother tried her hardest to make her girls happy and that shows me so much more than any expensive gift could. That she loves me and wants me happy. That makes me happy. We gave her a cup that said "Mom, each day I love you more", but it wasn't what I planned on giving her so she'll either be getting a late Christmas present, or I might just make my original idea for her, her birthday present. But her birthday's in August, so I'm still not sure what to do.

This year was pretty great, it had it's moments of not-so-great times, but doesn't every year? Let's bring this new year in with a bang, and hope that it's just as good, for me and for everyone else. Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 16, 2010


For about as much as I can sound very mature for my age, there are times when I feel impossibly and completely naive. These times come far and few between but when they do they knock me down and make me realize that my tiny existence thus far really isn't all that experienced. These times of nativity can be empowering, like when I laugh so hard at something impossibly silly and I remember sure, I'm 18-almost-19 but that doesn't mean I've been sucked fully into the grey dismal world of this so-called Adulthood. I can still be goofy and funny! Then there are the moments when I feel the negative side of niavity. When I realize that getting into this world of adulthood is shaped by going through things you've never been through before, and it's hard. Oh boy, is it hard.

See, I know most people went through their dating phase when they're teenagers. As a teenager, and still as one, I was never like that. I can honestly say I've never had a boyfriend before, and I don't even feel all that ashamed. I haven't had many boys interested in me because in my own eyes, I was the ugly duckling until about a year and a half ago. Sure, beauty on the inside but it's hard to find a guy who gets to know that first before judging the exterior. Plus, I went to a school where I literally knew and grew up with everyone. So if they decided they didn't like me, yeah...that wasn't changing. No new opportunities, especially since I lived in the country.

I started this new job, and I've been having what you'd call a semi-office romance. I'm not in an office, and it's hardly really romance but it's flirting and kisses-on-cheeks and it's shy flirtatious smiles and it...means something to me. But this, this having a boy like me and smile at me and hug me, this is new ground. This is a whole different ball game and I don't even really like sports. So you can see how dangerous this territory that I'm treading into is. There are a lot of circumstances to this office romance (it's fun to call it that) that I don't want to get into because although not many view this blog, I just feel it's best for both his and I's privacy. So let's say it's a tad complicated. Oh, don't you just love those? Anyway, I was treading very lightly into this flirt-thing because I knew it couldn't really go anywhere. But then I tripped...and boy did I trip hard. I won't say I fell because I somehow caught myself before going that far, but I tripped and scrapped my hand and just...crap. I wasn't suppose to even let myself GET THIS FAR and now I've already tripped. Okay, are you done with this analogy? me too.

So now I've got these feelings, and they're not the innocent cute this-is-for-fun kind either. There the I-want-something-more kind when I can't really have more. I realize this, and everytime I'm away from him my best friend gets this long winding speech from me about how it's going to end. Then I go to work the next day and he gives me a hug, or a kiss on the cheek, and dammit, there I go tripping.

Today I fell hard, and it shocked me out of this state of cloudy indecision and made me realize this is only going to hurt me in the end. I've never cried over a boy before, and I found out myself how very not-fun it is... I mean big, loud, ugly cries over something stupid as a boy possibly not liking me as much as I like him. Naivety meet self. I felt stupid for crying, which onnly made me cry harder, and then I got made for feeling stupid over crying which in turn made me even more upset. I know he likes me, there's no doubt. But a part of me isn't sure he likes me as much as I like him, or even likes me in the same way as I like him. That's the hard part. That's the part I got to get over.

So I type this out, and it's made me feel better. Although writing this probably won't stop me from flirting with him, even though right now I'm sorta mad at him... But anyway, tomorrow is my birthday and nobody is going to stop me from having a good time, not even a silly boy.

Ugh, I feel like 5 years late on this whole boy crisis thing.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

that green and red feeling

I've never been a really festive person until recently. When you're a kid, it's more of the giving from the holiday than the contributing to the holiday, and it's not like suddenly I'm all ready to go for every holiday that passes- I'm not. It takes some prodding and dipping my big toe in first before I start to really feel ready for any given holiday. So maybe I'm jumping on this Christmas bandwagon after everyone's found their seats, so I'm left to sit by the weird kid who talks about nothing but *insert something odd here* in the front of the bus. Maybe I've arrived halfway through the Christmas songs, and hardly know the words, but you know what? I don't mind. Because now I'm ready for this holiday and I'm jumping in here and there to sing the versus of the song I do know.

I mean, why should I let this holiday pass without sucking the fun, celebration and pure joy out of it first? Christmas for some might be about presents and getting tons of money, and that's fine. If that's what their Christmas is for them, I'm not to judge. But my family has never had money like that, so Christmas hasn't been about getting the newest and hottest things. We get gifts we asked for, some money, but mostly it's a great time to visit my family, thank my mother for being amazingly wonderful, and getting absolutely blinded by the overload of red & green. I've realized that Christmas isn't just about presents, and that it has a ton of other meanings behind it and that Christmas is almost like Thanksgiving. Surround yourself with family and just be thankful. Thankful for being healthy, thankful for having your loved ones, and thanking God everyday that you can be thankful.

My family has a Christmas party every year. Most years I just want them out of the way, and one year I left early because I was crampy and sick and I just didn't want to deal with it. This year I am so ready to go. I want to kiss and hug family I haven't seen for a while, hug my Grandmother (who I'm so very thankful is still with us) because I've missed her so much, and hopefully laugh so hard my stomach cramps, but this time in a good way. Reveling in this Christmas spirit has made me realize that not everyone has the same feelings for this holiday, and not everyone has an awesome family to spend time with. I had a conversation with a man that works with me that nearly broke my heart. He's older, and the type of guy that leaves you going "he is so sweet" because he is. We're good friends, and he always helps me clear tables and serve the food when it's busy, or when it's slow because he's just bored, haha. Anyway, I asked him what he was doing for Christmas and he said he wasn't sure but that he might buy himself a new necklace because...he didn't have anyone else to buy something for. Now, my boss is his nephew, or somehow related anyway, but he still doesn't have much family around, or a significant other. It just made me feel terrible because here is such a sweet person, and he's going to be lonely on Christmas. Same for the boys in the kitchen, well, a couple of the boys anyway. One has a couple kids and spends it with them. But the others don't have anyone either. So I decided to bring a small bit of a present for them.

That's why I just got finished making 20+ cupcakes all decked to the freakin halls in red & green, because tomorrow I work and decided to bring them in for them as a small treat. Now...they're boys so who knows how appreciative my festive work will go on them, but they should enjoy them (or at least I hope they do, that would suck if no one ate them!). I might even hand a few out to the people who come in at the bar that are regulars, I'm not sure, and give one to the bartender. Heck, whoever wants one can have one! I just want to give as much as I receive these holidays, because a little can go a long way. I know that when someone does something kind for me, I instantly feel really good. Like, a stranger cared. It's a nice feeling, it makes me have a little more hope for our world each and every time.

Not tooting my own horn or anything, but these look awesome.

I have had a baking itch under my skin for a week now. I actually can't stand baking sometimes. I have to really really really want to do it, because otherwise the mess and dishes turns me off so much for cooking/baking it isn't even funny. But I really wanted to do this for my co-workers, even if it seems a bit silly, so I braved the 2 some hours it took to finish them all and the epic clean up, and you know what? That itch is gone and in its place is a smile. I mean, I made some awesome cupcakes, and they even taste good! Satisfaction!

A picture of me, courtesy of my sister.

Not to get off topic, but through the years I have gone through a dozen or so things that I think would really make me happy. It's because once I hear an awesome idea, I want it to become my awesome idea. Like, one time i read about this place that was a old-timey, vintage-esque vegan resturant/bakery type place and all of a sudden I was thinking up names and looking up cute old furniture and figuring out what a kitchen in a place like that even looked like. Every since it's always been in the back of my mind, because those types of places leave impressions on people. I'd love to own a place like that, where regulars came in every single day and I just knew what they wanted because they get it all the freakin time. I love that shit. I mean, at work I love that people at the bar are like "where have you been?" like I don't work there every freakin weekend. But the fact that I've become someone they're use to, and that they know, I love it. I love that I have several costumers that come in a lot and I can say "Hi, nice to see you again!" or something cheesy like that. I'm a sucker for that type of stuff.

But there will always be a tiny baking part of my heart that just sings while I'm making something. That may or may not be because I love food. I think it's amazing and whoever doesn't love it, more for me! ha! Well my christmas baking has officially been quelled. 9 more days until Christmas and only one more left until my birthday, because it's about to be 12:00am here and that's offically tomorrow! One more daaaay! ♥ I'm spending the whole day with my best friend, and then Sunday I'm celebrating with family at the Christmas party. This week is going to be awesome.

I really recommend baking something amazing for the holidays, even if you hate it. Because it'll make you feel like Martha Stewart, and if it helps talk to the "audience" while you're baking. Makes it ten times more fun. I'll have to do that next time I bake. (: Happy Holidays!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

First Final

Today begins the evil wrath of finals. I mean sure, I technically had my first one friday but it was an english essay. Easy peasy lemon squeezy, my friend. I love english so I didn't view it any differently than my regular assignments from that class. But these ones coming up...oh these are the types that have terms and equations and definitions. These are ones you have to study for because beautifully weaving words will get you no where. So it's currently 2:17am, I've already had a calming bath, I've studied yesterday and somewhat today, and I am prepared to go to sleep, and then wake right back up bright and early to study some more, then head to school to face my doom.

Wish me luck! Two finals today, one Tuesday, and then Santa Claus is coming to town!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

put the top down, baby

I am writing this at an ungodly early hour- almost 3 o clock in the morning. I should be sleeping because knowing me waking up tomorrow to get ready for work is going to be living Hell. But I can't seem to close my eyes, because deep within me is this proud bursting feeling that I don't get very often. It makes me restless, makes me want to go do something, because now I can and it's awesome.

Amid the stress college finals has been putting on me, and the anxiousness for the Holidays, today I had my drivers exam. It literally crept up behind me until suddenly I was like "WOAH, this Saturday I go to see if I can finally myself!" I was instantly nervous, and parallel parking cramming sessions began (two days before I had to go, ha). Because of course I'd wait last minute to learn something as important as that, something that would most definitely be on the freaking test. But I went into the exam thinking "the worst they can do is fail me, and then I just come back again!" So while I was nervous, I used the same approach I've used for almost everything (including my first job): the possibility to fail is there, but it is certainly not the worst thing that can happen.

My driving instructor was the type of man who outwardly you think "shit. I got the mean one." and then he'll say something and you're like "double shit. He hates me." But then he'll give you a hint, or help you out, or ask you where you work while you're trying to take a test and you realize. oooooh, you got the guy who does this all the time and is use to all this day after day, but really does want you to do the best you can. So I stuttered, stammered and paused-stupidly through the beginning with the light, wipers, etc test. Then we started driving, and then I parallel parked. Only one try! I was awesome, baby! More driving, more turns, then bam...done! I was asked to follow him, and dazedly I did. Then somehow I took a picture for my license (i even smiled for it, how am I such a dork!?) and then we were off, heading home.

I felt proud, and I still do feel proud. I got both my permit and my license on my first try, something lots of people have done, and something lots of people haven't done. So while I may not be special, I felt special anyway in that moment, and I showed my license to everyone. I mean, even the people I WORK with saw this little plastic ID. I can't even feel ashamed. I can drive, dude! It's a good feeling. The only feeling that isn't good is the insurance one. yikes. But I shall confront that when I get to it.

Overall I feel happy, and proud, and tired. I feel like I have checked something off my list, even if I have a dozen more things on it. I no longer have to stammer my way out of a "do you have any ID?" question, because "no, I only have my school ID..." only takes you so far these days.

I am one step closer to adulthood! (Only one more milestone, really, and that's 21. I'm not all that ready for it to be here yet, so that one can take it's good old time. ;)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Happy Hump Day!

Wednesday. The day that people usually hate. It's in the middle of the week like a secluded island and we're standing on it's beach looking out at the horizon that teases us with hints and illusions of seeing...something, the weekend perhaps? But no, we're still two days away from that and we're still stuck on this freakin Wednesday island.

I don't feel like that at all today. I don't feel tired or wishing for the weekend or anything Wednesday usually holds. I wish I could describe how I feel...I just feel like my body is relaxed, like I could take on anything in this moment. Sure, my eyes keep watering because I think there's a speck of something in them (and I've rubbed off all my eyeliner trying to get. it. out.), and I have class in about an hour and a half but right now? anything. You name it, I'd be able to do it, baby. I finished my first class of the day which was actually fun for once, had me some cool ranch Doritos, and now I'm just content.

I'm content to sit in the same spot I always sit in at college while I wait for 3:30 math class to roll around so I can slunk sadly to it. I feel fine to sit here, listening to the quiet hustle and bustle of people occasionally walking past. Things right now just seem to be looking better, which is funny because nothings changed, just my attitude. I still have a paper due (although not this friday, i got an extensioooon!) that I'm still struggling to work on, I have homework that needs completing, finals to prepare for, my friend is still sick, my christmas presents for people are slim to none, my room is a disaster, my computers battery is failing, and I have work this weekend to top it off.

But. There is positivity weaved throughout that bleak list. I've purchased tickets to see a band I've been dreaming of seeing since I was 13, I've got my drivers exam coming up which despite possibly flunking I'm excited for, I've gotten my boss & friend her baby gift which I can't wait to show her, I managed to fit into smaller sized jeans, I have the best friends and family around, and the holidays are coming, baby! Which means no class soon, and more break for me-time!

I may complain, I may cry and get frustrated, but that doesn't mean I see the world through jaded or even foggy eyes. I know that it could be worse, and I know it isn't that bad, so I allow myself time to work through my emotions, then get right back to seeing that there is positive things waiting for me to acknowledge, too.
Blog Template by Delicious Design Studio