Monday, November 8, 2010


I seem to blog when I'm feeling upset, which isn't what I want the overall feel of this blog to be. Growing up and living life is not always a depressing, sad, unfortunate experience. No, there are a ton of great, happy, laughter-filled moments I have had. It's just those tend not to get documented. On my wishlist, not a christmas or birthday one, but just a regular wishlist, is to buy a camera. Not the one everyone and there grandma has in their bags, but a real heavy duty get the job done camera. I want to be able to document these moments I have, to look back on them and smile. Which is why I sort of started this blog, but along the course I think I've forgotten why I made it. I didn't make it to rant or relieve my frustrations, I did it to show all points in my life: the good and the bad.

It just so happens that yesterday I had a bad day, and while at college today instead of trekking across campus to the library to write a blog out, I pen-and-papered it so that I could type it here later. So the following paragraphs (and yeah, I wrote about 2 pages worth so it's going to be looong) is what I wrote about how I was feeling while sitting in college, listening to music, and trying to remember that sad days can not and will not triumph over my good days..

Have you ever had something grow on you? (and here is where my analogy skills, not sure if they're good or not, come in to play) Like maybe you picked out the wrong color and didn't notice until your walls were painted a plum purple instead of that more vibrant-purple you were going for. But soon, after going day after day into that room, having memories created in it, you start walking in and getting a feeling of warmth, of home, of contentment, and that unpleasant feeling you once felt for those walls now turns into a fond one.

That's been happening to me, only not with a color on a hypothetical, or even real, wall. It's been happening with a certain person. It wasn't like I didn't like him, he was and still is a friend of mine, but as he shows me more and more of his color, the more I feel like his color is the right one. And as I feel more and more fond of him, my "oh this isn't serious- I'm just having fun" is turning into a "did he smile at me? Is he looking? Do I look nice today?" type of deal. (I guess walls and crushes on boys don't really go together, but I'm not the analogy princess, so try and work with me, k?;) And suddenly those once-ugly walls give you comfort on a particularly bad day. Today I saw this;

That tiny word, just one word, on a insignificant thing like a pencil, was my once-ugly wall today. It was the thing that made me remember him and the attention he gives me, and for the first time all day today, I smiled. I've never been someone who got boys' attention, and I'm still not. This is new to me. Sometimes I still think "these walls are not the color I wanted" or in a non-analogy way "these boys are just playing a trick, they don't like me". But the reason I say that is because, back to analogy, these walls have been white for so long that I'm use to that. It's my comfort zone. I'm use to my friends having someone, and me having no one. So to have even a tiny splash of color on my walls, the tiniest bit of interest from a guy, makes me nervous, giddy and feel...special.

I try to be welcoming and flirty, and I know sometimes I come off as defensive and unapproachable. Not with people in general, but with boys. That's because I'm not use to them wanting anything but possibly friendship, so if they even tease about liking me, or they flirt with me, I write them off. But his attention has been going strong, and although we have our...issues we need to get past, I'm glad for his attention. He's cute and sweet, and maybe it won't ever be more than this, but that's okay. Right now this is what makes me smile on a bad day. Right now he is my unexpected wall-color that turned out to be perfect.

So that analogy wasn't the best, I get that, but I really wanted to write about this. He's a friend, and slowly becoming a crush, and I've only ever had several crushes...but when I do, I crush hard. The situation isn't perfect, and he's not even a real candidate for boyfriend material. But it's nice to feel special, and nice to feel like as a person you are wanted, you know? So I leave this blog, which started out a tad sad, on a happy note. Hopefully I can get some even happier updates in because I don't want this to be the-little-depressed-blog-that-could.

All I have to say now is that I gotta learn how to flirt. Turn it all the way up to 11. 'Cause I haven't had much practice with that, but I guess learning now is better than later, right?



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