Thursday, December 16, 2010


For about as much as I can sound very mature for my age, there are times when I feel impossibly and completely naive. These times come far and few between but when they do they knock me down and make me realize that my tiny existence thus far really isn't all that experienced. These times of nativity can be empowering, like when I laugh so hard at something impossibly silly and I remember sure, I'm 18-almost-19 but that doesn't mean I've been sucked fully into the grey dismal world of this so-called Adulthood. I can still be goofy and funny! Then there are the moments when I feel the negative side of niavity. When I realize that getting into this world of adulthood is shaped by going through things you've never been through before, and it's hard. Oh boy, is it hard.

See, I know most people went through their dating phase when they're teenagers. As a teenager, and still as one, I was never like that. I can honestly say I've never had a boyfriend before, and I don't even feel all that ashamed. I haven't had many boys interested in me because in my own eyes, I was the ugly duckling until about a year and a half ago. Sure, beauty on the inside but it's hard to find a guy who gets to know that first before judging the exterior. Plus, I went to a school where I literally knew and grew up with everyone. So if they decided they didn't like me, yeah...that wasn't changing. No new opportunities, especially since I lived in the country.

I started this new job, and I've been having what you'd call a semi-office romance. I'm not in an office, and it's hardly really romance but it's flirting and kisses-on-cheeks and it's shy flirtatious smiles and it...means something to me. But this, this having a boy like me and smile at me and hug me, this is new ground. This is a whole different ball game and I don't even really like sports. So you can see how dangerous this territory that I'm treading into is. There are a lot of circumstances to this office romance (it's fun to call it that) that I don't want to get into because although not many view this blog, I just feel it's best for both his and I's privacy. So let's say it's a tad complicated. Oh, don't you just love those? Anyway, I was treading very lightly into this flirt-thing because I knew it couldn't really go anywhere. But then I tripped...and boy did I trip hard. I won't say I fell because I somehow caught myself before going that far, but I tripped and scrapped my hand and just...crap. I wasn't suppose to even let myself GET THIS FAR and now I've already tripped. Okay, are you done with this analogy? me too.

So now I've got these feelings, and they're not the innocent cute this-is-for-fun kind either. There the I-want-something-more kind when I can't really have more. I realize this, and everytime I'm away from him my best friend gets this long winding speech from me about how it's going to end. Then I go to work the next day and he gives me a hug, or a kiss on the cheek, and dammit, there I go tripping.

Today I fell hard, and it shocked me out of this state of cloudy indecision and made me realize this is only going to hurt me in the end. I've never cried over a boy before, and I found out myself how very not-fun it is... I mean big, loud, ugly cries over something stupid as a boy possibly not liking me as much as I like him. Naivety meet self. I felt stupid for crying, which onnly made me cry harder, and then I got made for feeling stupid over crying which in turn made me even more upset. I know he likes me, there's no doubt. But a part of me isn't sure he likes me as much as I like him, or even likes me in the same way as I like him. That's the hard part. That's the part I got to get over.

So I type this out, and it's made me feel better. Although writing this probably won't stop me from flirting with him, even though right now I'm sorta mad at him... But anyway, tomorrow is my birthday and nobody is going to stop me from having a good time, not even a silly boy.

Ugh, I feel like 5 years late on this whole boy crisis thing.


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