Saturday, November 13, 2010

Yet Again ):

Another not-so-good mood today. I don't do it on purpose, I swear! It's just that writing for me is therapeutic, I guess. No one really reads this, and even if they did, these are my thoughts, my words, and they are harmless. I shall say what I want to say and hopefully it'll help.

It doesn't help that lately I have I don't feel as peppy and bright as I usually do. I feel tired, rundown and sick. Not cold-sick, but more...I just don't feel like I'm at 100%. I feel like I'm down in the 40%-60% range, and I keep fluctuating between. Never above, never under. This gives me bad days that can be doozies, and then it gives me days where I feel okay, but never perfect. Today was a 50% type of day. I was great for most of the day, and then slowly it just took a turn for the worst. By the time I got home from work, I crawled in bed and let the first few tears fall.

It's a lot of different things. The first is that college is kicking my ass. I've already talked about it, and it really is affecting me more than I let up. There's too much to do, and never enough time to do it, and I don't have time for anything else. I go to school and I work, it's just overwhelming. And I'm stuck here with no other options. I want to go to school, I want to be something more, something great, but this is physically effecting my personality...and there's nothing I can do. The only thing I can do is stop procrastinating, get work done, and wait for the holidays. I think I can do it... I've gotten this far, haven't I?

The next thing is this whole guy situation. This was never an issue for me before, and there are parts of me that are non-nonchalant about it, and other parts that think so much into it. The fact that I'm unsure if this is for real or a convenient type of thing gets to me. Really gets to me. Because a part of me is like "lets have fun with this!" and then to the other part of me it means something. It means something that he smiles at me, or gives me looks, or wants a hug. And then I'm stuck here smiling goofily back, but secretly wondering what the hell is going on. That's not quite as big of an issue, but I can't say it's helped anything. Sometimes it makes me smile and feel good, but then I'll think to much about it and it becomes this thing. So...I guess it is what it is. We'll see.

There's a ton of little things that aren't helping, but this isn't a "lets list what makes Jess sad" post. It's just a...get-things-off-my-chest post. And I do feel lighter. I feel like I can do this. After I post this I will work on my college work and I will trek through it. I will smile at that boy, and try not to get too worked up over his reaction. I will write this paper and not worry that it's due in less than a week.

I'm not superman, I'm just human. But sometimes we all need to put on our cape and pretend, right?


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