Insert Title ;)

A little over a week. What's in a little over a week you ask? Freedom. I will be able to say I conquered my first year of college, and boy....was it one hell of a ride. I may not be any more closer to knowing what the final outcome of this all is, but I can say I know alittle more about the struggles of adulthood. Not by choice, it just kinda gets thrown at you...whether you're ready to catch it or not.

Beauty school is pretty much a sure thing for me now. I'm getting excited about it, and it just makes sense. It's something I don't mind taking loans out for, but also something I'll enjoy doing. At least to get a job, make some money and maybe later change my career. People don't stick with the same things all the time, and nor should they. I'm a person who likes change (although I have problems with huge changes- so i'm sometimes ok with change, let's say). One day I'm inward and mellow, the next crazy and spontanoues. let each day bring you a new challenge, a new trait, a new friend or a new adventure. Never settle for the same thing, day in or day out. Honestly, that gets boring. I hate boring.

So I'm going to go for cosmotology, and hopefully make something for myself. I can see myself pushing to get to where I want to be, and never settling for something I'm not happy with. Before I do that, though, I really need to push myself to study for my finals. I've already skipped one with my partner (much to the anger of our professor) and we delayed it till thursday, but now I have a government test (not the final, yet) I have to make up that I'm pretty sure I only know 2% of what is on it. Yikes! I feel more nervous and guiliter as I type this out because I should be studying.

I wanted to just update because writing helps me. It's something I'm good at and it's the one thing that let's me be honest with myself. Sometimes we need that when no one else will tell us how it truely is.

So I'm off to study, and each passing day leaves me closer to summer!

B-E-Auty School

You're dreams are more than worth defending. - The Used

Whenever I feel down, I like to repeat this particular lyric to myself. It's exactly what everyone should say to themselves, because it is completely true. Our dreams, our goals, our needs, just what we want in life...all of it is perfectly worth defending. If you want to be a plumper and your family says be a doctor, but this is your dream....That is worth defending. That is worth striving for because in your life your happiness is what is most important. These dreams can be realities and that's worth defending at any costs. So sure, maybe some people don't see me being a Cosmotologist. Maybe some don't see me being an Audio Engineer. Some may have this completely different perspective of what I can be good at, but hey, my dreams are more than worth defending and those dreams are no one's but mine. I still want to be an Audio Engineer. That will never change, I can feel music in my bones when I'm watching a music video or listening to my music anywhere and everywhere. I can tell you my passion for music will never die. But sometimes life gives you these curveballs, these unexpected paths you have to take in order to find these other dreams you maybe never knew you had.

My curveball was financial, and it hit me hard. I didn't give up, but I found another path that could help me step-stone my way to possibly becoming an Audio Engineer. Beauty School gets you licenced in less than a year, and I can have a job (most likely) right after college. And if i so choose, I can work my way up into any job in Comotology I want. But what I'm saying is, I want a job I'll enjoy, and I will enjoy doing hair, makeup and nails. Is it going to be my forever-job? Who knows. Lot's of people switch jobs and even careers. I plan to save up money and try Audio Engineering again- and I am not someone who pushes her dreams aside, if I still have that passion for being an Audio Engineer I damn well will become one. But this Cosmotology could be it for me, and as I went to the school I'm interested in, I felt that same spark I feel for music. perhaps not as deep and profound, but I felt it. And I knew I could take out loans for this and not feel any remorse.

So hopefully soon I will be a Beauty student, and I will learn something new and apply it to life and live fabulously. As we all should.

**

In the meantime, I have finals to study for, Spanish homework that is late, a test I missed, and work to be doing. So what have I been doing this past week? Playing Portal, hanging with my best friend and doing our nails. I am a nails-are-different-every-day type of girl. I rarely have the same nail polish on my fingers, but this one I just might keep on for a while.

cuuuute, right? I've been getting better at doing designs and I'm really proud of this one. Plush this reminds me of summer and summer is on it's way. Although we've had bad weather a little bit lately, it's warming up and I can leave the house with flip flops and a light jacket on.

Believe me, no one is more ready for summer because it means nooo schoool! Just best friend time and work and FUN. Bring it.

keep it real

Let's talk about faith. Religion is a very touchy topic for a lot of people, and not for one minute am I going to say it isn't for me either. I'm not the best Christian around, I went to church with my friend for a very short period of time and even then I went down to help with the kids, I never actually sat through the religious part most of the time. But I believe in something bigger than me, and do I call Him God? I do. Should I read the bible to understand Him? Sure, I probably should. Do I need to read it to feel him in my life, in my soul and in my heart? No.

When you are down in life, you feel lonely. It's natural to feel that way at your worst, and I felt it today like no other. As I sat trying to make note cards up for a class my mother and I got into a tiny fight, one that left me shouting my fears and hatred of the college system. I screamed about feeling scared, I screamed about feeling overwhelmed, I screamed about how I felt everyone was against me and how it's tough to put on a smile everyday when all you want to do is cry. I was crying by that time, and I could tell my mom was feeling uncomfortable. She gets sad that she can't help me with college, because we're financially unable, and she blames herself. I never blame her. I blame the people who say they're suppose to help when all they do is give you attitude on the phone, or the government who say they want to help but with each year it just gets worse. I could preach and rant and scream to the heavens but most of us know the short comings of the world already- we've felt them personally. I knew being an adult was going to be hard, I just didn't realize how very on-your-own you feel and how terrifying that is.

I made a decision today. I made the decision that I wasn't going to Maine for school. It was hard and easy at the same time, but as tears fell down my cheeks I realized I just didn't want to do it. I don't want to leave my family, I don't want to go all the way up there when I'm not sure if it's for me, I don't want to be 20,000 in debt with nothing to show for it. Just too much was overwhelming me and I just knew it wasn't happening. Could it happen? Certainly. I could take out a lot of loans and trek it myself, but I'm not that kind of girl. I don't want to do it myself. I want someone who understands, be it family or friend or lover or the man on the phone I talk to about financial aid. I want compassion. I want understanding. Which in this world is sorely lacking.

So I was upset...and I cried. I studied while crying and I cried while feeling lonely and it was a bad beginning to my day. But then I decided not to give up. There were alternatives. I could take a year and figure out a plan and go at it again- it wasn't like I was too old to do anything, plus there are TONS of older people at my college. Age means nothing and it stops you from nothing. A year isn't long, only 365 days. Do I want to do that? No. It makes my skin itch to think about, but if i had to do it I would. But still i googled other things. Maybe cosmotology. I love doing makeup, nails and hair. That stuff has always fascinated me, even my mom said she could see me doing that. That was a good fallback. On a whim I googled for audio schools in my state and I found a link that could be the answer to my prayers, I literally mean that. While looking at the site and sending the application I felt this presence of something. Like someone was telling me "you are not alone- I'm here and I will help you". I started this blog off religious for a reason, and I want to talk about how I felt. I felt grounded. I felt safe. I felt like things were going to be okay. This program seems the perfect thing for me, and if I don't get in...well, at least I know that no matter what there is always going to be someone looking out for me, family friends, and Him.

This was not just a Audio Program I found....it was a sign. I was ready to give up and He told me "No you are not." He showed me that even if this doesn't work out, He is there and He is going to help me help myself. So do I still feel sad and upset? Yes. I feel like the world is a video game set on Expert and I'm just a beginner. I feel like there are so many people out for themselves they forget about those just trying to do what the world expects of them- to have money, to be famous, to be skinny, to be more. And no one is willing to help anyone achieve that, especially those who can't achieve it by themselves. but today I felt that I could do it. I can do it, and I will do it.

I hope this program works out, and I still have research to do to see if it's legit (i found it on the internet- always be wary) but I got a call from a representative already and they seem pretty real to me. It doesn't matter though. If I get in, amazing. If I don't, well...I know I am destined to do great things and to be an amazing person. I just need to find out where I'm suppose to go in this world, and He will help me find that if only I keep a kind, open, positive look on things. I will try my best.

farewell weekend

A lot of people view Sunday as the beginning of the week. I have, and probably always will, view it as another week gone goodbye. Sunday was a tiring ending to a busy week, and a even busier weekend. I worked all this weekend and let me tell you I am exhausted. I love my job and I like making money, who doesn't??, but with all this school pressure and this loan thing...I am so ready to crack. A part of me wants to say "screw it, I'll give myself a year to figure it out" and another part of me is saying "you can do this- Don't let them stop you!!!" I'm balanced in the middle and I don't know which way to fall. I don't know where I want my life to go, and 20,000 in loans is a heck of a way to fall if you find out you didn't like the way you landed and you wanna try again.

I don't want to be without making hard choices. I want to have to do that, I want to pave my way through my life and successfully come out at the end with a smile and a honorary letter saying "you did it!", preferable with a nice title like PHD attached to it. But i'm at this point where I don't know if I exactly want to go to Maine or be what i want to be, or even if I want to try college right now. Sure, I like it enough but I want to try other things. It's confusing and hard and nothing will ever be the right answer until I find it and the actually hunting for that answer is the hardest part. I am a bright, witty, spunky, spontaneous, hilarious, vulnerable, happy girl. I feel like these decisions have deadlines I'm just not going to make and I just want to find myself in my own time, not anyone else's.

Telling anyone life is hard is like preaching to the biggest choir alive, but it's so freaking true. I've been shown so many paths that could lead me to so many different places and yet I was never told where those paths lead. It's the biggest test, and who even likes tests?? I don't want to try and find out the right answer by making all the wrong ones. you get in trouble that way, you get in debt that way, and I think that's the part that worries me the most. I don't want to get to where I'm going, go 20,000+ deep in debt and decide it was the wrong place for me to be in. Gone are the days that my parents make these decisions for me, and you know what? I miss that the most right now.

But I do try to take it one step at a time. I'm trying to balance work and school and figuring out what I want to do and it's tiring. I want to give up and keep trekking all at once. I want to drop out and graduate at the same time. I want to fail and succeed at the same time. Without defeat you will never taste the sweetness of victory, but defeat does have the bitterest of tastes.

just a lil ditty

We're so close to summer. I've already worn my flip flops once already, broken out from the depths of the shadowed corners we always lose our shoes in. I'm ready for the heat, the summer fun, the promise of sunshine & awkward tans. I'm counting down the days.

**

If there's one thing that bugs me, it's the fact that I sit clearly on the divider between loving being spontaneous, and hating when I don't have a concrete idea of what's going to happen. This is why college and the financial situation bugs me quite a lot. I have to send in money for the school I want to transfer to again very soon, and I'm still unsure of my financial situation. I've got to call them up, but it makes me uncomfortable knowing I'm going to call the same financial aid office I called up a year ago and hear my fate...again. Last time I called I cried quietly on the phone as she told me not to worry, it would all work out, that not getting financial aid didn't mean I couldn't succeed. Believe me, not the greatest full circle to have ever happened to me. But even though parts of me will remember the pain I felt when I heard that, a large part of me has moved on and realized that financial aid or not...I deserve to strive for my dreams, and I can achieve them all on my own without anyone's help. (not to say that accepting help or having support isn't great, it's lovely). So wether the government decides to be on my side or not, I will make it. I will not cry again. I will not watch The Titanic on repeat and watch in depressed irony as Jack and Rose lost their one chance at their happiness. Yeah...that was a rough week. No, this time I'll think of other options like scholarships, and loans. Ugh, that last word gives me the shivers. I hate it. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm so afraid to leave everyone behind if I do go to school. I'm afraid of leaving my mother, who even at the mention of me leaving starts to get upset and asks not to talk about it until it happens. My sister...who even though she pisses me off like no other, I've had the craziest times with. And my best best best-their-isn't-even-a-WORD-for-it friend who I'm so afraid will find someone better than me and forget about me...although I honestly think that's just me being insecure. Haha, we're two peas in a pod. I'm afraid of leaving my other best friends who I love and adore and will miss their laughs and lovely faces. I'll miss my job. I'll miss him. I'll miss everything I've ever established here. I'll come back to visit on vacation and breaks but...it's not the same. This is saying "I'm adult. I can leave. This will be where I grew up, but it won't always be where I will settle and live." That's scary for me. That's a big change, and I'm not one to open that can with ease. But I'm strong. I have a sense of humor, a strong sense of self, and I have faith. Those things can help me remember where I am, who I am, and who loves me no matter where I am or what I do. So I'll call that finacial aid office up, and what happens...happens. Dreams, I do believe I'll be seeing you soon!

boy, oh boy.

This past week has been amazingly mellow with an ending dash of drama. It's left me in this mood of having so much to say, but not knowing how to get the words out, and emotions that differ so drastically I'm unsure of how to even feel. Our feelings for someone can alter how we react to what they do or say, but if something someone does or says hurts you....it hurts you. Those feelings you have for them, though, that like (or love) you have for them makes you want to easily forgive them even when you're not exactly sure you should. I was in that boat this past weekend and I'm still confused about it. I'm an independent strong women, and yet sometimes I feel helpless when it comes to how I feel about him. I know it won't last forever, I know this isn't the for-keeps relationship; not the one I start dreams on, like a family, a house, kids and a dog. But it's the beginning of something, and he's the start of something I can't even describe. I've laughed, cried, smiled and just...been so angry, confused, upset when it's come to him. But the moments that are good, the moments I feel the butterflies and I think back to his smile, or his laugh, or our times together...sometimes it's worth the frustrations. Or the uncertainty. Or the hurt (emotionally, NEVER physically, yikes lol).

As girls, this comes with the territory with boys. I just never realized how intense it would be, I guess. No wonder there are so many steel heart, locked-up heart and guarded heart songs/poems written by women LOL. I get it now!

Forever Driving

If there is one thing I've discovered I hate, it's driving long distances. To work? Sure! To school? Why not! To a friends? Absolutely. Two hours away to a mall I've never been too, with a GPS telling us to take all back roads? Hell to the no. The latter part of my day yesterday was spent trying to find the King Of Prussia mall that's located somewhere near or around Philly. With toll roads it should have taken an hour and a half, it took us close to two and a half. For some reason my GPS (dubbed Wesley because of his British accent) confused us into saying we didn't want toll roads and instead took us past a variety of cute, shady and barren towns.

It started off with us going through a scary town close to where my friend lives, because I had to pick her up. We attempted hitting the highway but it only told us to get off, and Wesley, being the "smart" (or assumed-smart, I guess) GPS that he is, we took his word for it. Then we drove for a bit longer and hit this adorable town. It looked like something out of Gilmore Girls. The roads were cute, they had cute shops, the people were walking, biking, running. It just looked adorable. Then we hit more back roads with nothing but woods and no civilization and we started to get worried. "Wesley", we cried (and at times, cursed), "where are you taking us?!" Somehow, maybe at the hour mark of our drive, we hit a round-a-bout. My first one ever, and it was kinda scary!! But my friend and I were laughing hysterically because just freaking out of nowhere there is this random round-a-bout....

More driving. More cursing. More Wesley telling us to take back roads. More laughing. More singing along to our iPod. That's when we hit this town that I swear looked like something out of Resident Evil. My friend was like "zombies are going to come out of that abandon building at any moment." I felt the same way. We quickly passed that place, thank God. More roads, more not knowing where we were but blindly following what Wesley told us, and we finally got onto a freeway. 10 minutes until King of Prussia, the GPS told us. Woo! Signs started coming up for it too, so I knew he wasn't lying or deceiving us (at this point, we were wholeheartedly sure he was effing with us and taking us everywhere but where we wanted). Commence only 3 hours of shopping (we left at 4 and didn't get there until 6-6:30, yeah....feel my pain?) but we rocked the speed-walk and speed-shop and I got some cute things. Malls are so expensive! I had a blast, though, and I'll go back sometime when I have more time to a) find the place and b) shop.

Then Wesley somehow got us onto a toll road to get back and that was less exciting and more boring than the way there. Just driving for an hour and a half, and during that hour and a half was when I realized I honestly hate driving to far away places. Oh well, you gotta get to them somehow, right?

We stopped off at a diner at 11:30-ish and played Frank Sinatra off the little jukebox at our booth. Which that freaking jukebox stole some of my quarters! but i digress. It was a pretty fabulous day, even if parts of it were unexpected, longer than they should have been, and not everything was rainbows and sunshine. I'm a new driver, not even a year having my license yet, you can't expect me to feel comfortable driving that far away.

Either way, we got to where we wanted to be and got home safety, too. I'd call that a win.

Scales are evil

I don't mean the fish variety, either. I mean the "lets see how much we weigh today" scales. This fluctuating weight thing sucks. I'm all excited cause I lost a pound or two, and then the next day I'm a pound or two more than yesterday! So I got no where at all. Misleading! This doesn't stop me from doing my (loose) exercising, though. I'm not like, hitting the crunches hard here. I do some dancing, I do some weird leg crunches that I remember doing in gym in HS that KILLS my neck but leaves my stomach muscles feeling used (like they never do).

Even if this way makes me loose weight slowly, it'll still be more exercise I was doing than before (which was none). I want to be healthier, and even if I sometimes choose the junk to eat over the healthy stuff, I'm honestly trying. This is the life I get to live, regardless of what is in my afterlife or what have you, I want to live the life I was given right now because this life right now is what matters wholeheartedly. So, just updating on the progress I've sorta been making, I guess. That's to say that I'm still attempting to work out!

That's a plus, right?

Better late than never!

I've never been a work out kinda girl, and I've always been heavier. What can I say, I love food and apparently it loves me. It's a dependency relationship, haha. Anyway, there are so many diets out there and so many come with either too many rules/directions or the side effects of damaging yourself completely if you don't follow them right. I'm already a vegetarian that doesn't follow the rules, so I probably don't get the recommended x, y & z's that I should... So dieting never was in my forte, because it's hard and also, like I said, I love food.

Since I graduated school not even a year ago (but almost a year, I can't believe it!) I've lost a significant amount of weight. Now, let's not get hasty with that statement, I'm definitely no Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen. Nor do I ever want to be. But I'm smaller than I was, and I've slowly been losing. Slow is good. Does it win the race? No. Does it get you to the end of the race? Sure. I'm happy with what I've accomplished by just not eating as much and being more choosy with what I eat. Does that mean I'm satisfied with the weight I'm at? Certainly not. So today instead of taking the nap I wanted before work, I hooked up my ipod to my speakers and I did a little bit of dancing. Hips swivels, marching, arm raises, twists, turns, kicks...you name it, I did it for 25 minutes. Just five minutes shy of how many minutes "they" (whoever they are) say it's healthy to exercise in a day. I would have gone longer but hair gets greasy when you sweat and I just washed it and it looks pretty for work, lol. Shallow? Maybe a little ;)

Either way, after I was done I felt...lighter. Maybe not my shakey legs, those felt like lead, but inside my heart I felt like I was doing something to make myself healthier, and the best part is I was doing it for myself. I've been told by others I look fine the way I do. I thank them and smile, but it's not about how they perceive me. It's about how I perceive myself. If you're not happy with yourself (and mind that you actually have a realistic goal, we don't want anyone going anorexia on us, plz) then do something about it in a healthy, safe way. Walk to the store or dance in your kitchen while cooking. I can't do the first one, I live too far away, but I can tell you I certainly do dance while I cook! Admittedly not because I wanna exercise but because I'm happy I get to eat, ha ha ha! Sorta kidding! ;) Anyway, so I've decided that in the minutes I can spare...maybe it wouldn't be so bad to hook up the tunes and get onto my imaginary stage and strut my stuff. It's healthy and it's something I love to do. Dancing has always made me happy. It runs in my genes because my mother is a fantastic dancer. Sometimes I wish she'd decided to pursue that career instead of the one she has now.

So all in all, I guess I'm writing this as a reminder to myself that exercising may be hard and gross (ew, sweat) but in the end it's what helps us get results. I remember getting on the scale and being shocked at how much I'd dropped. I want to continue to do that because it's a great feeling. I don't think there's anything more depressing than seeing that you've gained when you didn't want the pounds. I'm not sure what weight I'm aiming for, I think I'm just going to aim for when I feel fully comfortable in the body I have. I'm not uncomfortable with myself, image-wise. I think I'm beautiful inside and out, and I'll always have my curves ;) But I want those curves to stand out nicer, and have less of a jiggle, ya know? haha!! So I guess this is my late new years revolution of "Get Rid of the Jiggle!" Better late than never, right??

March Showers

We've been getting a case of the rains lately. I thought april showers bring may flowers, not march showers! But a shower I have been getting every time I walk outside. I'm particularly drenched from walking to and from classes at college today, and my car was parked allllll the way at the end of the parking lot from this morning (damn college students ALL taking classes at 9 in the morning). Which means when I went to go move it to a more closer parking spot, I had to walk the million and one miles to my car. in the rain. with no umbrella. My black tights now look like they have a spot pattern from the rain drops falling on them as I walked like lightening to my car.

Despite it raining, and the tons of tests I have today, and the fact I'm sick again... I feel pretty good today. It's not like I'm without issues or illness or the drama of yesterday upon me. No, I still have all that. But I feel lighthearted and happy because yesterday was a really good day. I got to spend in with a person I really care about, and the happiness I felt then has floated along with me into today. Do I have things I still worry about, like the test I'm not sure I have in my next class that I also didn't study for? Sure, I worry. Do I worry about my co-worker who is attempting to start drama with me, when I'm wholeheartedly against starting drama in the workforce? Yes, I'm also worried about that. But those take residence at the back burners of my mind, because all I can feel is his hand in mine, his hand on my hip, his lips on the back of my neck. It's not perfect, it's not ideal, and it certainly isn't conventional. I'm not asking for those things right now, especially when I'm so uncertain of where I'll be in a half a years time anyway (college-wise)... nor will I ask that of him, when he has his own personal issues to deal with, too. Yesterday we finally got to spend time outside of work together and I felt like a real couple for a few hours. Nothing I say or type will truly explain how happy I felt, and feel, and who knows if it will ever happen again, but it happened. Just like I'd hoped, and it was all I wanted.

After my classes today, and all I have is one more (and a online test I need to do today), I'm free and off to frolic in my spring break. Yup! Spring break is upon me and I plan to make the most of it by relaxing, exercising, cleaning my room, hanging with my best friend, and most of all...sleeping in. oh, how nice is that gonna be? Fabuloso! Spring is so very close, I just want this cold weather to go away. We need some warmth around here.

let's get up-to-date on the low down

Oh, February. Can it be that you're soon to pass us by so quickly? I feel I just got to know you.

February was a very trying month for me. It's so very easy, in the good moments, to feel like life is, and always will be, amazing. That every moment is great and easy, but what's even easier to forget is that the hard times are always lurking right around the corner to sneak up and startled you when you're least expecting it. February was a sneak-up-and-spook-you month. Only less scary and more...exhausting.

School has been beating me down lately, and I'm working more than ever. It's hard sometimes to live in this adult world, and I often find myself wishing for a one-way no return-trip ticket back to that beautiful wonder-filled childhood fantasy we all got to stay in for 17ish years. Oh, don't I sound old? As if school and work, which I usually can take the pressure of but this month just got the better of me, wasn't enough I got severely sick just a handful of days ago. Now that...that was not fun. It was, excuse my french, hell. I'm still sick but I'm definitely on the trek back to a full recovery. I just need to get rid of this darn cough.

Now, we arrive at boy issues. Don't you just love those? Well, I don't. As I've said before this train stop is a new one to me. I get out, look around, and suddenly have that great fear that I don't know where the heck I am. I'm still in a new place right now, but I'm getting comfortable enough to look around, see the sights, possibly strike up a conversation with a local. I'm getting to know this guy, who so far seems to be very sweet and kind. We're going out on a date tomorrow, I'm not sure what we're doing yet but I hope it's not a movie. My first movie date with a boy went horrible wrong. I'm probably scarred for life at the amount of drama his friend created and pure shock of watching No Strings Attached (which if you didn't know, is a sexual movie, dear God...) with someone I barely know. Not only that but a date should be time to get to know someone and sitting in a dark movie theater only transpires two possible things. The first thing is watching the freaking movie, and the second is....not watching the movie. We all know what I mean. Something I don't want to do on a first date, ladies!

*

I like to keep it random and switch from topic to topic, ha. The weather up here has been good lately. We got some 50 degrees action for a couple days in a row! But now we're back to the biting chill and wind of winter. Oh, spare me! I want spring to come. Walking through the college campus with the wonderful breeze blowing through my hair, I could practically smell spring in the air. It was great. I have so many things I plan on doing this spring/summer that probably won't get done but! I have plans and having plans is good. They motivate you to at least think about attempting to get them done. I can't wait for the day I can go back out into my garage, crank up the tunes, and have a dance party like I used to last summer. I did that frequently and there is nothing better and more freeing than having your own "stage" to dance on.

Geez, my mind is a random place. Ciao!

Adu, January! Almost...

I can't believe we can almost bid adu to January, that we've spent almost a whole month in this new year. Honestly, this month has probably allowed me to go through the best learning experience I've ever had.

Growing up, and I've probably said this before, is shaped by our experiences. It's shaped by those who touch our lives, those we allow into them, and the situations we get ourselves into, or that force themselves upon us. Any one of these can quickly become, or just be, a bad experience, but what I've learned is that you have to try and look upon something that isn't the best experience as just another lesson learned. A lesson to add to my charm bracelet of life, where I can let it dangle delicately from my wrist; always there to remind me that I've been through that, no matter how good or bad. These reminders help us grow as people, help change our perceptions, and allow us to create better experiences for ourselves, because once we find something that wasn't quite right, we can go in search of that something that is right.

In my case, it's more of a relationship experience. This month has helped me figure out the type of relationship I'm looking for with a man, and one that I am not. It's told me the type of girl I am; the kind that likes flirting, winks, a hand on her side, the emotions that come with all that. If those elements are missing, count me out- it's not for me. Every women is different, some like more serious things, and some don't mind flings. I'm not the latter girl, I want something serious, a connection to someone else that allows me to learn them, for them to learn me, and us to get to know one another well. I've been through a situation that just didn't feel right, and it was because it wasn't what I was looking for, and in experiencing it it has told me so much about myself.

It's disappointing when something you really want doesn't go the way you expect, but I understand why it's not going how I wanted and I'm happy I've learned what was missing so I can take that knowledge and apply it to future experiences. Not every experience I have is as enlightening, and sometimes things happen to us that are really hard to get over. I just try to really remember that nothing can defeat us unless we let it defeat us; even in the worst of times someone can smile at a good memory long past. Everything we do stays with us and I'm learning to apply what I learn, what I remember, and what I go through in the present to my ultimate goal. My personal goal is to create a life I am completely happy worth living, with people I love with all my heart surrounding me, and always with a sense of humor.

I take each day as it comes, because otherwise it can get overwhelming. There are a lot of what if's: with my job, my school, my family, my friends, etc. It goes on, and people forget today because they're worrying about a tomorrow that may be close but isn't here yet.

so nervous!

First day of classes was actually tuesday but I didn't go because of the killer storm. So now today i'll wake up at 8am and get ready to go to my classes for the first time. I am so nervous.

I'm heading to bed right now but writing helps me get the feelings out, and then maybe later I can look back on this and laugh because there was nothing to be nervous about.

Yikes! off to bed, now.

random toolate/tooearly posts

Aren't random 2:30 in the morning posts just the bees knees? I think so.

We're supposedly getting a huge storm tonight, which judging by the snow falling steadily from the sky and coating our already snow-covered yard, is actually truth. I usually hate snow, and I'll curse it up and down the block and back, because it's cold, slushy and wet. I hate it. This time around though, I feel differently. For one, I'm praying this weather will cause my college to cancel it's classes and I get a few more days before I need to go back to school. And secondly, I want to sled. Yes, I said it. I want to put on those layers and boots, trek up to the biggest hill I can find and sled down it. The only problem is I don't have a sled, but I'm sure I can find a substitute. I'll only get to sled though if my classes are canceled tomorrow. So please snow, I will take back every bad thing I said about you if you only work in my favor by coating the roads to hell and back and icy them up like nobodies business!!

The responsible college student in me is screaming for me to go to sleep. The teenager in me is like "you're so gonna have a college snow day, stay up late!!" I'm really unsure about how colleges judge it. I've only been in college for one semester and my college hasn't ever closed for anything other than holidays- and sometimes not even those! So we're playing it by...nothing, really. I'm the only one to blame if I gotta get up at 8 in the morning after falling in to bed around 3 or 4am. Just hope the snow + my tired soul won't = something terrible. Hmm. Sometimes I wish I loved coffee...

Either way, snow day or no snow day, I'll set my alarm for 8am regardless. If I have school, I'll get up begrudgingly and get ready to leave. If I don't have school I'll fall back to sleep, wake up later, maybe work out (ohhh, ambitious) and find someone to come sledding with me (aka: find someone who actually has a sled). I haven't done that in forever, and there's something about flying down a huge hill that gives you that rollarcoaster-rush feeling. I just hate the part where you gotta work your way back up, that part sucks. I remember when I was younger I wish I had a portable escalator. Wouldn't that have been awesome? I'll find someone to make that a reality and patent it.

On an entirely different note, things with my boy (and although we're not dating, I feel he needs a title on here other than his name, so it'll do) are progressing slowly and amazingly, to sound totally sickeningly starry eyed. As I've said before, I am not disillusioned to the realities that surround our bizarre relationship, but for once it's nice to be the girl who gets the eyes turned on her, who has the guy wanting to talk to her, or hold her hand, or just brush against her side. I like the compliments, and the smiles sent my way. On the flipside of that, he is a guy. Which means sometimes he upsets me, or annoys me, or just down right confuses me. I don't know how to judge this thing we have, is him ignoring me for a while mean he's mad at me, or mean he's just busy working? Does him not talking to me for a bit mean I did something, or is he just in a distant mood? I guess I'm the same way, because I don't always come into work ready to smile his way, or flirt with him; sometimes I'm tired, or wish I was at home, or just mad at something a costumer did. That's okay, I never get really upset with him about it, and by the next time I work I'm ready to lure him in again.

I feel like on here, and in real life, I talk about it too much. I feel I give off the impression I want to get married to him someday and have 2.5 kids and a house- none of that is in my future with him. In fact, our future is just as long as we allow it, which means it's day to day because the days I work are when we see each other. I'm pretty positive he knows this too, but we never bring up the fact there's nothing beyond this flirt-at-work thing. Sometimes you just need something like that. I don't expect every relationship i have to be serious, and in a way I'm kinda glad my first brush in with a boy isn't too serious. For a lot of things I like to jump right into the pool, full on cannon ball, and for other things I get overwhelmed easily and toes-first is the only way I can go. That's how I feel with this. Big toe first, test the temperature. Then slowly we sink down the steps until suddenly before you know it you're waist deep- but the option to get out right then and there is always there, and I like that I have that with this. I don't have to jump in and fight my way out, I'm only inching my way in so that if suddenly I can't do it, or don't want to do it anymore, all I gotta do is calmly get out. Woah, analogy over-kill but I think that one was easy enough to follow.

For the record, he does mean a lot to me. He isn't someone I'm toying with to have a good time. I'm not like that, and he is the first boy I've ever done this type of stuff with...so it's safe to say he's probably got the advantage. Mental-wise though, I think I have a steady ground of where we are, or where I think I am anyway. I know what I want out of it, and I know where it can't go. Will he be my first love? Who knows. I like him alot but love is a big thing, and how can you tell romantic-love is really love? I have nothing to compare it to... Even if I fall in love with him, not everyone stays with there first love, and I know I won't either. He will become a memory to share with my husband, a life lesson to share with my kids, and a good memory to look back on when I'm older reminiscing about my younger years. We all need those, right? I want those. That's what life is about. We piece together these parts of us that are made up of encounters, experiences, people, places, emotions. We remember them, we live them, we go through them. They don't always stay, they don't always go, but they'll forever make up who we are.

Too deep? I don't know... We'll end it there, I guess. I should get to bed, it's almost 3:00am yikes!! Come on, snow, give us all you've got.

slice of happiness

I felt compelled to write today. Something inside of me just wants to feel the keys click under my fingers, and see words form across a white blank space. I don't have something earth shattering to talk about, but I think that's okay because life isn't always filled with those amazing days that take your breathe away. Sometimes you need the days that give you room to breath, so that you're ready when the wind get knocks out of you- in a good way, or a bad.

Something that has been nagging at the back of my mind is how content and yet, uncontent I am with where I am in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm doing fine right now. I have a good enough job that I actually enjoy, I have great friends, and I'm in college. With that said, there are lots of things I don't like about where I am. I'm not in the college I want, I don't get much time to be with my friends, I'm having family issues that take their toll on me and financial issues to boot. On a normal day, those things don't bug me I can look past them, and even today I'm not bothered all that much because I know I am the one to shape my future, and I'll get it there. But I wanted to reflect on it, on how much I want this to change and how very scared I am to see it change, and how if I could I'd stay in this exact time period of my life forever.

I have a job I actually enjoy going to, that I get decent money from, and I'm getting somewhat of a college degree however scattered, so I'm not uneducated, I have friends old and new that I love being near, and my family is here with me. In that place I want to be none of those exist. I'd have to move to go to the college I want, and neither my family nor friends are willing to move with me and I wouldn't ask. My job certainly can't come with me, so I'll have to find a new one. I'm scared of having to find another job in this unsteady wobbling economy. It's so very easy to stay with the place you're use to, the place you feel comfortable and warm, where you know every inch of terrain and nothing is surprising. But that's not what life is about. Life is about going forward, taking those chances to achieve your happiness and dreams, which ever they may be. Mine just happen to take me a little farther away from my shelter, from my home.

I am a very stubborn person, so my two sides are very conflicting of each other. One is holding the flag of "You can't leave! This is your home!" and the other is like "You need to leave to start your life, they will always be there for you where ever you may be!" and while the latter side has a winning argument I am a girl who loves stability, and familiarity, and doesn't always like change.

So I guess what I have to do is...enjoy this moment of my life well, take advantage of it and remember that to go forward I must be confronted by things that make me uncomfortable. That's how it has to be. We must experiance new things to learn more, so we can shape our lives to become a piece of our own slice of happiness.

Happy Saturday!

Under Construction?!

I decided that with the passing of Christmas, and us already 13 days into a new year (I can't believe it's friggin 2011 already) that it was time for a change. A whole new template change. Now, I'm pretty good with computers and working my way around the internet, but even with a High School HTML class under my belt I am crap at working my way around a template for any website.

If there's stuff that looks wrong, or confusing, or just plain stupid, know that it's my fault and I hope to fix it soon. Not like anyone really goes on here, but, just saying so I don't look like a dummy who doesn't know what's wrong with her blog. I got this! I hope...

Nella's Rockstars!

I know not many people get a glance at my blog, something most days I'm not bothered by. But I know the power of spreading the news and even if a lone voice is screaming something in a deserted room, there is the power of at least one person overhearing it. I'm gonna be that lone voice today.

I didn't really get to a whole Resolutions for 2011 post because I haven't really made any for myself yet, and most of them have just carried over from 2010. One thing I'd like to take a moment to say is that somewhere in 2010 I changed. In a magical beautiful way, that made me see myself in a more magical beautiful light. I became more loving, more accepting, more me, than I've ever been before, and I can't say it was just a shift of character on my part. A small part of it was friends and family, and the growing responsibilites of adulthood that made me grow up just that little bit, but the largest by far, was reading this amazing women's blog. There is power through words, and there is power through love. She combines both of those to create magical and truly inspiring posts, which are about her love of her family, especially her two beautiful girls. Somewhere deep inside me her words touched me, and I realized that if I'm not the person I want to be, if I'm not loving the hardest I can, if I'm not sucking the marrow out of everyday, even if the day is boring and drab and a lets-stay-in-our-pjs day, what use am I getting out of this magical world? I don't want to regret things I knew I could change, so I changed myself. Not drastically, and not to become someone I'm not, but to enhance who I am, and I am loving it.

With that said, her second daughter, Nella, was born with Down Syndrome, and Kelle has used it to get her voice heard to help not only her daughter, but the other 400,000 Americans that live with it, too. Here is where my voice will be shouted as loud as I can, and if you happen to hear it, and stumble across this post, I urge you to donote to her Cause whatever you can. $1? $5? $20? $100? Whatever amount you can, or feel like, donating is a miracle to these beautiful people, who just need a bit of our help to reach their full potential. We all have the chance to make our dreams come true, why shouldn't they? I fully believe that if we cared just a little bit more for each other, and helped out one another just a bit more, too, we'd be living in an even more beautiful world. And let's be honest, it's pretty beautiful now, if you just let yourself see it's good side. (:

You can donate here: to Nella's Rockstars. A Cause started because of her daughter, but that gives back to the Down Syndrome community. Come on, people! Let's help raise her goal of $15,000! We're halfway there. So please, if you see this, or see it on Facebook, or someone else's blog...please, please, PLEASE, donate!

I don't ever donate, mostly because I couldn't before, and I can't possibly donate to everyone, but when you find something you're truly passionate about, or that you know needs your help, you don't overlook that. So I'm not, and you shouldn't either.

And if you're still not sure about donating, read this post of Kelle's. It says what I couldn't, and let's you see what I can't make you see.

This world should be seen as a whole, as a community, and if we just let the ones struggling in our community alone to struggle by themselves, without helping them, that says a lot about us. We should at least care for the ones in our community who need help. So, please, care about them, for they are beautiful and amazing and no different than us.

True loves...

first kiss.

There are defining moments that every person goes through in life. They're like proverbial rights of passage that we tick off when they happen and which bring us that much closer down the road to being grown up. These events come sooner rather than later for some, but in this thing we like to call life, we all experience things at a different pace. That's probably why I feel no hesitance, shame, or even embarrassment to write what I'm about to write about. This is my life, and in my life I will go through things others haven't, and be utterly inexperienced in things people are pros at. This keeps our earth turning, and leaves us all unique, with surprises at each turn of a new day.

Let me start this story off by saying that I don't live in the most populated place in the world. Not to say I'm living in the middle of nowheresville, but it's at least a 20 minute drive to anywhere of city-like busy-ness, and you have to drive to get to anywhere remotely called a Mall. I went to school with kids I've known since kindergarten, and when you weren't the most beautiful, skinny, or popular girl in your grade, your chances of finding someone in this small school pretty much became none existent. With that said, I've never really had the chance to have a relationship with a boy. This could be the part where you snicker, or your eyes bug out because yes, I am 19, or you ask what's wrong with me? I don't know the answer to that because I've never stopped a boy to ask, and I'm not really sure that I'm the one doing something wrong. In fact, I know I'm not. I can be flirty, I can be nice, and let me tell you I can crack one hell of a joke. It's the area I'm in, and I know that. It's like when you live somewhere your whole life and everyone knows you, even the grandma of that shop owner down the road, and then you leave and suddenly the world gets so much bigger but really it's just your section of the world was kind of tiny. That's exactly my problem.

January 3rd will always be marked down as one of my rights of passage, because while it took me a tad bit longer than most girls, I got there on my own, and with a honest-to-God real actual boy. Who kissed me of his own free will. Yeah, there was a lot of "Oh my God"'s and smiling on the way home in the car. Typical teenage moment? I had it. I know it might seem stupid to write about this, but I did begin this blog by saying that I wanted to write about these moments so I could look back on the ones that were of importance to me at the time: the significant and the insignificant. This, to me, is very significant and when I look back on this, I probably will still agree with myself.

I think what makes it even more special as my first kiss was that it wasn't with someone that I feel nothing for. I genuinely have a crush on this boy, even if there are several huge complications cramping my style. The whole day was perfect. He was in a fantastic mood, smiling at me and giving me attention, and we shared this moment that I can't even describe. I was in this moment of pure...butterflies-in-stomach-want-to-throw-up bliss. It was the most amazing thing I've ever felt. In that moment I felt like the most important thing in the world, because having someones attention on you, and knowing that they care about you in some small way or another, it feels...monumental. And scary. And so freaking good. I couldn't stop smiling this stupid little smile, I must have looked like a dweeb.

I've blogged about him before, but I like to keep our details semi-private because even though nobody ever reads this, it means a lot to me to keep the complications of this not-quite-relationship...confidental. Out of respect for him and for myself. It's not perfect, and it's not like that kiss magical changed anything, because it didn't. I have conflicts within myself over this, but that doesn't take away the magical feeling that kiss brought with it. It doesn't ruin the moment that got painted in that kiss we shared, no matter how small it was, or how other things come into play.

If I ever read back on this, and I most likely will, I just want myself to know how happy I was in that moment. I was so so happy, and no matter what year it is when you've (older Jess) stumbled back to read this, I know you won't forget that feeling, even if the actual moments leading up to it blur around the edges. Like a good friend told me, he will forever be in your memory as your first kiss, and that won't ever get erased.

I work this weekend with him... Am I nervous? A little. Do I think it will be weird? No. I honestly don't, because we're friends and I won't allow it to get weird because secondly we're also co-workers. I have a level of professionalism that I don't want to get affected by this, and that I won't let get affected. Am I a bit afraid he'll act different, however which way? Yes, a bit. But I think that's normal for anyone who has a connection with someone like that. Either way, I shall go to work knowing that before anything it's my job, and anything after it comes second. Maybe I'll wear a little bit more makeup, a touch of lip gloss and pull out the jeans that make my ass look great but hey, a little effort toward looking good at your work hasn't hurt anyone, right? ;)

I wanted this to flow better, to convey a little bit more of what I felt on that night, but I think that moment will be locked away in my heart, that feeling will be present in every fiber of my being, but I don't think it's something I, or the english language, could possibly explain. It's something you can share to someone but words fail to describe. That's what this post is.

But first kisses, baby. They're pretty awesome.