Wednesday, May 19, 2010


There are days when I know what I want for my future, or at least a light guideline of what I want; I know I want love, stability, a career I enjoy, a safe place to live and raise the kids I want someday. I want my family and friends, I want new experiences, I want to laugh more than I ever have before, love harder than I knew I could. I think I can get all that, too. Then some days I feel like I'm stuck in the dark and I'm stumbling around in this unknown room searching for a light switch. It's scary, but not discouraging. The future is one big mystery, a huge question mark. Most of it you pave for yourself, life is what they make it, or so they say, but then there's the other part. The part that's actually scary. That part where life could throw you the curve balls you weren't ever trained on how to hit, or to even catch for that matter. I'm scared because although I'm legally adult, I still feel like I'm a kid who needs her parents guidance. I feel like while the real world is lovely, it also has the sharp corners that are rounded and softened in childhood. No longer is daddy or mommy there to watch where you fall, and if you do fall, they won't be there with kisses to magically heal. I'll truly be on my own, making the decisions, buying the bandages to put over my own cuts, and leading something called a life. That's scary. That's exciting. That's...amazing.

Every senior I know is counting down the days to graduation, I'm one of them. We're all so excited to leave, to get away, to start this life we've envisioned since we got into high school. I'm almost positive that although some more mature than others, some more smarter than others, we're all going to get out of school and think...what do I do now? You could have every Life 101 book available and still not know what to do. How does one go about establishing a life? How do you find someone who is going to love you for everything you are, and everything you aren't? How am I suppose to pay bills, get to work on time, be an adult? It's like the most uncharted territories of all time, for me. I thank my parents so much for preparing me as best as they could, helping me to be the person I am now; one that has room to grow, but already has her traits rooted deep to be kind, caring, compassionate, loyal. I think the personality I have is going to help me become a great adult in the future. I'm not boasting, I'm not stroking my ego, I have faults like everyone else. But I think that something that sets me aside from a lot of teenagers (although not all of them, I know a ton of amazing kids my age who have great qualities and more) is that I'm determined, I'm respectful, I'm logical, but also, the best thing of all, I know that it's going to be tough. I don't expect it to always go my way. My life growing up has already prepared me for the down times, "bad times", those times when you just want to scream and cry and go back to being a know-it-all teenager.

There is so much i want to do, and I'm not even sure that the blurry version of the future I hope for is what I truly want. All of my dreams might shift, might change, might become something better I didn't even know I wanted. All I know for sure right now is that I'm going to try and make the best of life that I can. I want to continue to laugh freely and deep, like I'm in on a joke nobody else knows. I want to smile even if I don't have the perfect smile. I'm going to dance with my own moves to the song playing on the radio. I'm going to love exactly like I know how to, and share amazing days with the people I know and love.


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