Wednesday, January 5, 2011

True loves...

first kiss.

There are defining moments that every person goes through in life. They're like proverbial rights of passage that we tick off when they happen and which bring us that much closer down the road to being grown up. These events come sooner rather than later for some, but in this thing we like to call life, we all experience things at a different pace. That's probably why I feel no hesitance, shame, or even embarrassment to write what I'm about to write about. This is my life, and in my life I will go through things others haven't, and be utterly inexperienced in things people are pros at. This keeps our earth turning, and leaves us all unique, with surprises at each turn of a new day.

Let me start this story off by saying that I don't live in the most populated place in the world. Not to say I'm living in the middle of nowheresville, but it's at least a 20 minute drive to anywhere of city-like busy-ness, and you have to drive to get to anywhere remotely called a Mall. I went to school with kids I've known since kindergarten, and when you weren't the most beautiful, skinny, or popular girl in your grade, your chances of finding someone in this small school pretty much became none existent. With that said, I've never really had the chance to have a relationship with a boy. This could be the part where you snicker, or your eyes bug out because yes, I am 19, or you ask what's wrong with me? I don't know the answer to that because I've never stopped a boy to ask, and I'm not really sure that I'm the one doing something wrong. In fact, I know I'm not. I can be flirty, I can be nice, and let me tell you I can crack one hell of a joke. It's the area I'm in, and I know that. It's like when you live somewhere your whole life and everyone knows you, even the grandma of that shop owner down the road, and then you leave and suddenly the world gets so much bigger but really it's just your section of the world was kind of tiny. That's exactly my problem.

January 3rd will always be marked down as one of my rights of passage, because while it took me a tad bit longer than most girls, I got there on my own, and with a honest-to-God real actual boy. Who kissed me of his own free will. Yeah, there was a lot of "Oh my God"'s and smiling on the way home in the car. Typical teenage moment? I had it. I know it might seem stupid to write about this, but I did begin this blog by saying that I wanted to write about these moments so I could look back on the ones that were of importance to me at the time: the significant and the insignificant. This, to me, is very significant and when I look back on this, I probably will still agree with myself.

I think what makes it even more special as my first kiss was that it wasn't with someone that I feel nothing for. I genuinely have a crush on this boy, even if there are several huge complications cramping my style. The whole day was perfect. He was in a fantastic mood, smiling at me and giving me attention, and we shared this moment that I can't even describe. I was in this moment of pure...butterflies-in-stomach-want-to-throw-up bliss. It was the most amazing thing I've ever felt. In that moment I felt like the most important thing in the world, because having someones attention on you, and knowing that they care about you in some small way or another, it feels...monumental. And scary. And so freaking good. I couldn't stop smiling this stupid little smile, I must have looked like a dweeb.

I've blogged about him before, but I like to keep our details semi-private because even though nobody ever reads this, it means a lot to me to keep the complications of this not-quite-relationship...confidental. Out of respect for him and for myself. It's not perfect, and it's not like that kiss magical changed anything, because it didn't. I have conflicts within myself over this, but that doesn't take away the magical feeling that kiss brought with it. It doesn't ruin the moment that got painted in that kiss we shared, no matter how small it was, or how other things come into play.

If I ever read back on this, and I most likely will, I just want myself to know how happy I was in that moment. I was so so happy, and no matter what year it is when you've (older Jess) stumbled back to read this, I know you won't forget that feeling, even if the actual moments leading up to it blur around the edges. Like a good friend told me, he will forever be in your memory as your first kiss, and that won't ever get erased.

I work this weekend with him... Am I nervous? A little. Do I think it will be weird? No. I honestly don't, because we're friends and I won't allow it to get weird because secondly we're also co-workers. I have a level of professionalism that I don't want to get affected by this, and that I won't let get affected. Am I a bit afraid he'll act different, however which way? Yes, a bit. But I think that's normal for anyone who has a connection with someone like that. Either way, I shall go to work knowing that before anything it's my job, and anything after it comes second. Maybe I'll wear a little bit more makeup, a touch of lip gloss and pull out the jeans that make my ass look great but hey, a little effort toward looking good at your work hasn't hurt anyone, right? ;)

I wanted this to flow better, to convey a little bit more of what I felt on that night, but I think that moment will be locked away in my heart, that feeling will be present in every fiber of my being, but I don't think it's something I, or the english language, could possibly explain. It's something you can share to someone but words fail to describe. That's what this post is.

But first kisses, baby. They're pretty awesome.


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