So the yard sale was a total bust. I don't even exaggerate. We put in possibly a week or more work (if you take away the lapses between days of packing things up, cleaning and pricing and put them all together) into this and the total outcome of costumers in those two days was 3. Yes, I shall repeat it with a small wince: 3. And the one person I knew, and he only came up to get my old Harry Potter stuff, so he doesn't honestly count.
I try not to be too upset about it, although my mom was pretty bummed because she spent money for the merchandiser to advertise it to 40,000 people, and you're telling me only two people could venture out to our house? But hey, you win some, you lose some I guess. My friend and I may be having another yard sale at her house, where she lives off a main road and will get more stop-and-look costumers, so hopefully we can be successful there. I'm not really going to make it pretty like we did at my house. The things we packed up are staying in their open boxes and people can move it all around to find what they want. Hey, I already busted my ass doing one yard sale, I'm already wary about the next one we're planning so I don't wanna go all out for another possible bust.
But in other news, my summer day's are slowly filling up. I've got orientation tomorrow, a possible job interview (fingers crossed- hope I get it), 4th of July with friends and family, a trail ride with my good friend where I'll be riding my first real horse ever, and already I have a couple people I'm planning days to hang with. I mean I love my quiet days, but I've had a week worth of them and I'm ready for running around, baby! I want days where I gotta get up early to be places, where I can't sleep in till 12, where I see my friends and laugh and laugh and laugh. Where summer fills me to the bone and reminds me why all of this matters so much. Why I'm planning a road that's the hardest I've ever walked.
Maybe this summer wasn't exactly as spectacular as I planned, but that doesn't make it anymore great than it is for me. I've never been one for plans anyway, I'm a spontaneous kind of gal, and that works for me. A list, a plan, a schedule is alright, but give me a random call and place to be, and I'll be there like lightening.
Oh, summer. How I love thee.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Y A R D S A L E
Something that signifies summer's arrive more than anything, more than the scorching heat, the blooming flowers, the singing songbirds, is yardsales. When people who have done their spring cleaning unpack their boxes and spread it all out on their lawn for mere cents. That's exactly what we're doing. We're having a yardsale, baby!
This is my first real yardsale. Not one where mom does the work and us kids just run around playing. This time is different. I had things I needed to priced, I had to find places for everything, and I have to wake up super early tomorrow because it's the first day of the yardsale and I'm designated cashier. Not only that but I was the one who originally wanted this yardsale, it would be unfair to have Mom be the only one to wake up early and do the work. So rising early tomorrow it is!
Honestly I saw the many boxes piled up, but even then it didn't register how much stuff we actually had. But unboxing them one by one and pricing items...we have a hell of a lot of stuff, man. Laying it out for sale took up our garage and our whole end part of our driveway, where my parents cars park. Not only is it my stuff, but there's my Mom's, my sisters and even my best friends. Yeah, this is one huge yard sale. I hope two days is enough to get rid of all this.
This summer hasn't exactly started off how I planned, but when does anything ever go exactly how it's been planned? So far though, it hasn't been too bad. I've gone swimming, gone to a baseball game, had relaxing days, gotten a mean sunburn, had a bonfire (although it got ended early) and now I'm hosting a yardsale. Not too bad, and I've got two months left! I plan to throw in there, possibly; a trip to the beach, more walks around where I live, more swimming, time spent with friends, finding a job (let's hope!) and anything summer I can think of.
I've gotten my hand on popsicles and they taste extra amazing in the heat of summer. Nothing beats sweating under the hot summer sunshine with a cold popsicle in your hand and it's fruity flavor resting on your tongue. It reminds me of summers as a kid.
There's also something special about summer shadows. They are completely different from winter shadows cast over dazzling melting snow. Summer shadows encompass a feeling of freedom, of smiles, of running through sprinklers and sleeping in late. They bring out a bubbly laughter when you wave at them, and they wave back. It's weird that as I grow older, I appreciate these childishly innocent things even more year after year. When you're younger you rarely stop to think about these things, and now it's like I can't get enough.
Although it sucks I need to get up so very early for this yardsale, I'm really excited to have it. There's always something so promising about them; maybe it's about the possibility of finding something you really want in between the other junk someone's selling, or the way a yardsale sign can make you want to stop where you were going and find exactly where it's being held. I don't know! Yardsales have been a thing with my mom and my aunt, and now I think I have the same passion for the used-yet-still-needing-to-find-a-good-owner items that people sell. I can't wait to give my stuff a new home where someone can appreciate it better than I can.
I hope the skies stay clear these next two days. There is a small chance of thunderstorms and rain, so I'm crossing my fingers that the small chance just vanishes. I want clear skies, a mild heat, and lots and lots of people willing to buy!
This is my first real yardsale. Not one where mom does the work and us kids just run around playing. This time is different. I had things I needed to priced, I had to find places for everything, and I have to wake up super early tomorrow because it's the first day of the yardsale and I'm designated cashier. Not only that but I was the one who originally wanted this yardsale, it would be unfair to have Mom be the only one to wake up early and do the work. So rising early tomorrow it is!
Honestly I saw the many boxes piled up, but even then it didn't register how much stuff we actually had. But unboxing them one by one and pricing items...we have a hell of a lot of stuff, man. Laying it out for sale took up our garage and our whole end part of our driveway, where my parents cars park. Not only is it my stuff, but there's my Mom's, my sisters and even my best friends. Yeah, this is one huge yard sale. I hope two days is enough to get rid of all this.
This summer hasn't exactly started off how I planned, but when does anything ever go exactly how it's been planned? So far though, it hasn't been too bad. I've gone swimming, gone to a baseball game, had relaxing days, gotten a mean sunburn, had a bonfire (although it got ended early) and now I'm hosting a yardsale. Not too bad, and I've got two months left! I plan to throw in there, possibly; a trip to the beach, more walks around where I live, more swimming, time spent with friends, finding a job (let's hope!) and anything summer I can think of.I've gotten my hand on popsicles and they taste extra amazing in the heat of summer. Nothing beats sweating under the hot summer sunshine with a cold popsicle in your hand and it's fruity flavor resting on your tongue. It reminds me of summers as a kid.
There's also something special about summer shadows. They are completely different from winter shadows cast over dazzling melting snow. Summer shadows encompass a feeling of freedom, of smiles, of running through sprinklers and sleeping in late. They bring out a bubbly laughter when you wave at them, and they wave back. It's weird that as I grow older, I appreciate these childishly innocent things even more year after year. When you're younger you rarely stop to think about these things, and now it's like I can't get enough.Although it sucks I need to get up so very early for this yardsale, I'm really excited to have it. There's always something so promising about them; maybe it's about the possibility of finding something you really want in between the other junk someone's selling, or the way a yardsale sign can make you want to stop where you were going and find exactly where it's being held. I don't know! Yardsales have been a thing with my mom and my aunt, and now I think I have the same passion for the used-yet-still-needing-to-find-a-good-owner items that people sell. I can't wait to give my stuff a new home where someone can appreciate it better than I can.
I hope the skies stay clear these next two days. There is a small chance of thunderstorms and rain, so I'm crossing my fingers that the small chance just vanishes. I want clear skies, a mild heat, and lots and lots of people willing to buy!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
days with friends & Father's day
The post before this was in anticipation of the sleepover with my two friends and let me say that it was way more fun than I could have ever imagined. When getting older it won't be the specifics I quite remember, like cramming three grown teenagers in a twin bed, eating cookie crisp cereal with icing at late o clock in the morning/night, getting into trouble with a webcam (nothing too bad!), or eating popcorn in bed, but what I will remember is the love and friendship I have found in some of the most amazing people. Whether we are friends 10 years down the line or not there is no way I can deny that my friends are amazing. They are some of the most amazing people on the planet.
We had a blast and I've created so many more memories to cram into my hippocampus (thank you psychology!). From walking into the store and making a fool of ourselves because we didn't see the long line of cards along the wall, getting lost going up to The Knob (a look out place, very beautiful) and then later skidding off the road and calling AAA to help us, wiping the house clean of anything good to eat, giggly about ridiculously stupid things, staying up until morning and night bleed together.... I'm sure there are things I'm missing, but the memory blends together into a full day of fun and laughter and awesome people I get to call my friends.
In a way I know that the people I've surrounded myself with have shaped me, but to a point I am who I am because of genetics, so I am so glad that I have found perfect people to match with my random laughter-infested personality. I know some people go through life without having great relationships with people, or without friends they can truly be themselves around, and I feel bad for them. I have people I could tell anything to, be lame around, and they'll still accept me. I have friends who laugh at my sometimes really stupid jokes (they're not always stupid :) but always supply me with stupid jokes to laugh at. I have friends who text me to hang out just because. I have people who say they miss me. When I was a little fourth grader I never thought I'd have this, I was such a late bloomer when it came to friendship. I am so glad I have had this through the teenager years of my life. It's been my glue, my support, my backbone, my brace. Anything and everything that holds things up, that is what my friends have been for me.
****
Father's Day. A day dedicated to daddy's everywhere by kids (and adults) who appreciate how awesome they are. My sister and I appreciated our father by taking him to a baseball game. Maybe not the most extravagant thing, but it's something he would enjoy and he got to spend time with us. Win/win!
It was hot, although with some clouds and a nice breeze at times, we got sunburned, we didn't have much money to get the overpriced food, and it was a pretty boring game. I don't for one minute regret going, and I had fun. We cheered for our team (although I cheer for both teams 'cause I usually forget in the heat of the moment of the play who I'm rooting for), laughed at the random things they have at the minor leagues (like t-shirt throwing, little races, random guys dancing), and enjoyed each others company. It was exactly, more or less, how I wanted it to go.
My awesome Dad and I at the Iron Pigs game. (:
My father is not perfect. There are things he doesn't do, lots of things he does, and he is the best at getting under my skin when I'm not in a good mood. But there are so many redeeming qualities about my dad, like the way he can make me laugh at any moment, he is always there to listen when we need him to, he would do anything for us, and he always keeps us in his heart. Just yesterday he was telling me how he saw my dream car ('67 Chevy Impala) for sale in someones yard and he wished he had the money to buy it and surprise me by driving home with it for me. It warmed my heart not because of the car, but because he was thinking about me. He was listening all those times when I gushed about wanting that car. It's simple parent moments like that that make him so special to me.
There are no two people in this world I could possibly love more than my Mom and Dad. There are people I love just as much, but there is no way it could come close to the love I feel for my parents. Parents always say a love for their child is different, that no one can possibly understand it until they have kids, but I think people forget that a child's love for a parent is a special love in it's own right. They are the people who gave us life, helped us grow, helped us to love and become good people. They are the people we look up to, our unmasked heroes who have checking accounts, do bills, go to work, and run a whole household. They are the people who when we don't have anywhere else to turn, they are the secret hidden path to safety, or at least comfort. There is no getting around the love a kid has for their parents.
So Father's Day was great even if my cheeks are a bit tender, and I'm glad we went. I know he had a great time too, and that's all that counts.
We had a blast and I've created so many more memories to cram into my hippocampus (thank you psychology!). From walking into the store and making a fool of ourselves because we didn't see the long line of cards along the wall, getting lost going up to The Knob (a look out place, very beautiful) and then later skidding off the road and calling AAA to help us, wiping the house clean of anything good to eat, giggly about ridiculously stupid things, staying up until morning and night bleed together.... I'm sure there are things I'm missing, but the memory blends together into a full day of fun and laughter and awesome people I get to call my friends.
In a way I know that the people I've surrounded myself with have shaped me, but to a point I am who I am because of genetics, so I am so glad that I have found perfect people to match with my random laughter-infested personality. I know some people go through life without having great relationships with people, or without friends they can truly be themselves around, and I feel bad for them. I have people I could tell anything to, be lame around, and they'll still accept me. I have friends who laugh at my sometimes really stupid jokes (they're not always stupid :) but always supply me with stupid jokes to laugh at. I have friends who text me to hang out just because. I have people who say they miss me. When I was a little fourth grader I never thought I'd have this, I was such a late bloomer when it came to friendship. I am so glad I have had this through the teenager years of my life. It's been my glue, my support, my backbone, my brace. Anything and everything that holds things up, that is what my friends have been for me.
****
Father's Day. A day dedicated to daddy's everywhere by kids (and adults) who appreciate how awesome they are. My sister and I appreciated our father by taking him to a baseball game. Maybe not the most extravagant thing, but it's something he would enjoy and he got to spend time with us. Win/win!
It was hot, although with some clouds and a nice breeze at times, we got sunburned, we didn't have much money to get the overpriced food, and it was a pretty boring game. I don't for one minute regret going, and I had fun. We cheered for our team (although I cheer for both teams 'cause I usually forget in the heat of the moment of the play who I'm rooting for), laughed at the random things they have at the minor leagues (like t-shirt throwing, little races, random guys dancing), and enjoyed each others company. It was exactly, more or less, how I wanted it to go.
My awesome Dad and I at the Iron Pigs game. (:There are no two people in this world I could possibly love more than my Mom and Dad. There are people I love just as much, but there is no way it could come close to the love I feel for my parents. Parents always say a love for their child is different, that no one can possibly understand it until they have kids, but I think people forget that a child's love for a parent is a special love in it's own right. They are the people who gave us life, helped us grow, helped us to love and become good people. They are the people we look up to, our unmasked heroes who have checking accounts, do bills, go to work, and run a whole household. They are the people who when we don't have anywhere else to turn, they are the secret hidden path to safety, or at least comfort. There is no getting around the love a kid has for their parents.
So Father's Day was great even if my cheeks are a bit tender, and I'm glad we went. I know he had a great time too, and that's all that counts.
Friday, June 18, 2010
excitement (I can't hide it)
I know a post or two down I said that being busy wasn't always a good thing, but darn it, there sure is something appealing in having your days filled up with places to be and people to see. That's how my upcoming week seems to be though. I have fathers day (a nice surprise to a baseball game for dad), outside camping in my backyard with friends, a yard sale to host, and a college orientation. Sometime after that I have my permit to get and drivers license to acquire soon after. Then this summer is going to be riddled with things I want to do (such as visit an amusement park, go to the beach, possibly go to ocean city, maryland), and friends I want to hang with, so yeah. Busy busy busy.
But the most recent thing I'm doing is coming up tomorrow (or technically today, since it's very early in the morning). I'm heading over to my friends house and along with another friend of mine we're having a sleep over that is going to rule our lives. Just thinking about it gives me the immature giggles of all the fun we're going to have and trouble we'll get into. By trouble I mean the good trouble of course! Oh believe me, there will be a full post on the glorious day we have, but for now all I can talk about is how excited I am to be hanging out with them.
One of them is my best friend of all time. I only have a handful (not even that, honestly) of best friends, although I have tons of friends, and I'm fine with that. It's never quantity, it's quality, and my friends are some of the best quality friends out there. The problem is, I don't get to see her very often because she lives in another school district. Not very far away, but enough of a problem when you don't have a drivers license or even a car. So tomorrow (today) is going to be us seeing each other after months of not hanging out. We talk every day (literally every day, we're always IMing one another) but it's not the same. So we're planning all our shenanigans and stuff to do and our day is going to rock.
Then her other best friend who I've met and adore is coming over too. I've met him a couple times but I liked him instantly. He's going to add to our amazing day and make it mind blowing. Can you tell I'm super excited about this? I can't even make a sentence that doesn't sound giddy.
So yes, while quiet evenings in are great, I love having things to do sometimes and especially love seeing my friends. I'll blog all about the wonderful time I know I'll have after it's said and done.
But the most recent thing I'm doing is coming up tomorrow (or technically today, since it's very early in the morning). I'm heading over to my friends house and along with another friend of mine we're having a sleep over that is going to rule our lives. Just thinking about it gives me the immature giggles of all the fun we're going to have and trouble we'll get into. By trouble I mean the good trouble of course! Oh believe me, there will be a full post on the glorious day we have, but for now all I can talk about is how excited I am to be hanging out with them.
One of them is my best friend of all time. I only have a handful (not even that, honestly) of best friends, although I have tons of friends, and I'm fine with that. It's never quantity, it's quality, and my friends are some of the best quality friends out there. The problem is, I don't get to see her very often because she lives in another school district. Not very far away, but enough of a problem when you don't have a drivers license or even a car. So tomorrow (today) is going to be us seeing each other after months of not hanging out. We talk every day (literally every day, we're always IMing one another) but it's not the same. So we're planning all our shenanigans and stuff to do and our day is going to rock.
Then her other best friend who I've met and adore is coming over too. I've met him a couple times but I liked him instantly. He's going to add to our amazing day and make it mind blowing. Can you tell I'm super excited about this? I can't even make a sentence that doesn't sound giddy.
So yes, while quiet evenings in are great, I love having things to do sometimes and especially love seeing my friends. I'll blog all about the wonderful time I know I'll have after it's said and done.
a post at a ridiculous hour
At this point it's ridiculously past my bedtime. This time (a rough 3:30 in the morning) would normally be my go-to-bed time during the weekends, and even during summer, but I found as I went through my senior year of school that I went to bed earlier and earlier. So now I'm not use to it, and the fact my body isn't use to it overrides my want to actually stay up.
But as I was laying here wanting to stay up, yet still bored, and also very tired, I decided to dip into looking at a musicians twitter account. Now, to be clear, it's not something that I do. I don't think it's wrong for a fan to want to personally connect themselves to an idol like that, I just think that nowadays we don't know what too far means, and to me...their personal life is just that. Sure, they put themselves out like that by creating these accounts and updating and so on. But as much as I adore my bands' music, and I know them from interviews and such, I can't find myself wanting to know every turn and shift and step they take or make. When i was 13, when you're clinging onto something or someone to make an impression on you and you'll find anything you can, I was into that. I knew every person's first middle and last name, favorite color, favorite band they listened to, and I just...felt that I knew them. It was comforting, if not a bit delusional and creepy, but that's how kids are. And I don't want to delude myself into that place again because it's not fair to myself to get involved in someones life when I'm not really part of it. So music stays in the music category. I don't tend to find things out unless something major happens within the band (injury, death, split or person leaving the band) or if I'm bored. I was bored.
As I read his twitter posts, most of them didn't make sense, most of them boring, most of them not fasinating...but he posted a picture of the whole band (yup, they split recently) and it made me think about something. It made me think about how much I've grown, and I'll tell you why. When I was that 13 year old in her room blasting music and thinking about her angst, a split in any of my favorite bands would have killed me. And here I sit at 18 years of age and most of my favorite bands have gone through something like that. Either a split, a member of the band leaving, a haitus or full on not making music anymore. Beyond a few tears, and a bit of woe, I was fine with it. Hey, I can't get mad at people changing their mind or wanting something new when I change my mind roughly every 10 minutes. I can't blame them for being exactly what I am, and that's human. It hurts in a growing up kind of way because it means that I'm finally grasping a little piece of the adult world and it's painful. Do I want music to stay the same forever? No. Would I like it to remain at least a bit familiar to me? Yes. Forever and always I want my favorite bands to be together, but I know it won't happen.
I know it won't happen just like I know my next steps in life can be as thought out as I want, and that doesn't mean I won't end up changing the plan. It's weird to see myself in this new light, because I don't even think of myself as adult, and frankly I don't want too. But I don't find myself to be this kid anymore who hides behind these people who bring her hope and dreams and happiness. I stand next to them in acknowledgment that they were kids once too, and just like me, they grew out of it. And just like I am, they worked their way through that road of growing up, found what they wanted and did it. Like many people, we grow up (even when we're older, we all still grow) and we change. We will always change, no matter what anyone tells us. Our pasts shape our future, which means the present shapes our future. The present is just tomorrows past, and what happens today shapes us in ways we can't imagine. Every little thing.
So while the ghost of pain is still there to see a band I never got to see with all its members make a record sans one person, or a band that's split in two and missing two important people, I know that they're still just growing up and trying to find what it is they want. That's exactly what I'm doing. Just because you're older doesn't make life any easier. It just makes it easier to forget that you can still want different things, you can still become a different person, and it's okay. Within us is the childlike spirit we had growing up; it never goes away. It just gets hidden behind adult responsibilities.
If growing up has taught me one thing, it's to never lose that sense of childish wonder. I hope I never do.
But as I was laying here wanting to stay up, yet still bored, and also very tired, I decided to dip into looking at a musicians twitter account. Now, to be clear, it's not something that I do. I don't think it's wrong for a fan to want to personally connect themselves to an idol like that, I just think that nowadays we don't know what too far means, and to me...their personal life is just that. Sure, they put themselves out like that by creating these accounts and updating and so on. But as much as I adore my bands' music, and I know them from interviews and such, I can't find myself wanting to know every turn and shift and step they take or make. When i was 13, when you're clinging onto something or someone to make an impression on you and you'll find anything you can, I was into that. I knew every person's first middle and last name, favorite color, favorite band they listened to, and I just...felt that I knew them. It was comforting, if not a bit delusional and creepy, but that's how kids are. And I don't want to delude myself into that place again because it's not fair to myself to get involved in someones life when I'm not really part of it. So music stays in the music category. I don't tend to find things out unless something major happens within the band (injury, death, split or person leaving the band) or if I'm bored. I was bored.
As I read his twitter posts, most of them didn't make sense, most of them boring, most of them not fasinating...but he posted a picture of the whole band (yup, they split recently) and it made me think about something. It made me think about how much I've grown, and I'll tell you why. When I was that 13 year old in her room blasting music and thinking about her angst, a split in any of my favorite bands would have killed me. And here I sit at 18 years of age and most of my favorite bands have gone through something like that. Either a split, a member of the band leaving, a haitus or full on not making music anymore. Beyond a few tears, and a bit of woe, I was fine with it. Hey, I can't get mad at people changing their mind or wanting something new when I change my mind roughly every 10 minutes. I can't blame them for being exactly what I am, and that's human. It hurts in a growing up kind of way because it means that I'm finally grasping a little piece of the adult world and it's painful. Do I want music to stay the same forever? No. Would I like it to remain at least a bit familiar to me? Yes. Forever and always I want my favorite bands to be together, but I know it won't happen.
I know it won't happen just like I know my next steps in life can be as thought out as I want, and that doesn't mean I won't end up changing the plan. It's weird to see myself in this new light, because I don't even think of myself as adult, and frankly I don't want too. But I don't find myself to be this kid anymore who hides behind these people who bring her hope and dreams and happiness. I stand next to them in acknowledgment that they were kids once too, and just like me, they grew out of it. And just like I am, they worked their way through that road of growing up, found what they wanted and did it. Like many people, we grow up (even when we're older, we all still grow) and we change. We will always change, no matter what anyone tells us. Our pasts shape our future, which means the present shapes our future. The present is just tomorrows past, and what happens today shapes us in ways we can't imagine. Every little thing.
So while the ghost of pain is still there to see a band I never got to see with all its members make a record sans one person, or a band that's split in two and missing two important people, I know that they're still just growing up and trying to find what it is they want. That's exactly what I'm doing. Just because you're older doesn't make life any easier. It just makes it easier to forget that you can still want different things, you can still become a different person, and it's okay. Within us is the childlike spirit we had growing up; it never goes away. It just gets hidden behind adult responsibilities.
If growing up has taught me one thing, it's to never lose that sense of childish wonder. I hope I never do.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Paused
In most of our eyes-held-tight wishes we're living that fast paced famous life. Whether it be an actress, rock star, princess of a far off land, or something equally ridiculous, wishes are normally filled constantly with people to meet, places to be, and things to do. I doubt most people (because there are always exceptions) are wishing for that life of utter relaxation; where most days are spent sitting on the back porch rocking, or sitting on the couch lounging, or not hearing the phone ring for days. Except maybe our grandmothers and grandfathers, that is.
But those wishes of excitement are just that: wishes. And our lives cannot constantly be (unless you really are an actress, rock star or princess) busy. They cannot be constantly overwhelming. Pure fact is, sometimes you just need a day off. I mean, even the Queen of England must have days where she sleeps in. It doesn't matter what life you have, what occupation you've chosen to work, you will always crave a day (or more) where everything just stops.
Today was that day for me. It's been pretty busy around the household because of school ending, graduation, and college all demanding attention at once. This past week and a half has been the busiest I've ever been. I needed a tiny break. So today while dad was at work and my sister off at friends for the night, my mom and I took that break together. That needed moment of relaxation where you don't have a care in the world. You hit the pause button and you don't plan on starting up for a while.
We made popcorn, got our pillows, laid down, made sure we got ourselves comfy, and hit play...on a movie, that is. We watched a movie while we slowed down and took time to just enjoy each others presence. To enjoy not needing to answer the phone, or drive somewhere, or doing something immediately. It's these moments that you remember. Sure, you might remember a party where some girl did something risque or a guy did something totally disgusting. You might remember some other thing you did in the throes of being busy. But when everything just stops and gives you time to notice the details you've been whipping by, it's different. It stands out more.
I want my summer to not only be busy (because being busy isn't bad) I want it to be relaxed and enjoyable. I want summer to be exactly what it's called: summer vacation. I plan on doing just that.
But those wishes of excitement are just that: wishes. And our lives cannot constantly be (unless you really are an actress, rock star or princess) busy. They cannot be constantly overwhelming. Pure fact is, sometimes you just need a day off. I mean, even the Queen of England must have days where she sleeps in. It doesn't matter what life you have, what occupation you've chosen to work, you will always crave a day (or more) where everything just stops.
Today was that day for me. It's been pretty busy around the household because of school ending, graduation, and college all demanding attention at once. This past week and a half has been the busiest I've ever been. I needed a tiny break. So today while dad was at work and my sister off at friends for the night, my mom and I took that break together. That needed moment of relaxation where you don't have a care in the world. You hit the pause button and you don't plan on starting up for a while.
We made popcorn, got our pillows, laid down, made sure we got ourselves comfy, and hit play...on a movie, that is. We watched a movie while we slowed down and took time to just enjoy each others presence. To enjoy not needing to answer the phone, or drive somewhere, or doing something immediately. It's these moments that you remember. Sure, you might remember a party where some girl did something risque or a guy did something totally disgusting. You might remember some other thing you did in the throes of being busy. But when everything just stops and gives you time to notice the details you've been whipping by, it's different. It stands out more.
I want my summer to not only be busy (because being busy isn't bad) I want it to be relaxed and enjoyable. I want summer to be exactly what it's called: summer vacation. I plan on doing just that.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Graduation; these are our times
It's hard to explain how I've been feeling with all these sudden momentous events passing swiftly by me. I feel like just yesterday I was buying my prom dress, like just yesterday I was excited about being a senior, like just yesterday I was a freshman. It isn't like I turned 18 and I felt this new found wisdom, or even responsibility. If anything I feel just as much of a kid as I did when I was 16. This feeling of growing up, it's not just on my part, it's from the pressure of things around me.
I'm getting to this point where it's getting easier and easier to see my road heading into the horizon of being an adult. It's not fully focused yet, I can only make out blurs at the edge...but I know that what's waiting there is both good and bad. I know that what's waiting there is a life all my own. This road to that destination is tricky though. Possibly the hardest road anyone can travel because it's overwhelming. That's what I've been feeling lately: overwhelmed. Totally and completely. But it's been mellowing out lately what with school ending and graduation happening. (I know it'll go back to being back-breaking overwhelming because life doesn't give us breaks for very long, just enough to adjust the pressure and move on.)
Graduation was...amazing. It was this nervous, exciting, unreal event that I'm so glad I got to experience. People who didn't go because of reasons their own, or people who drop out and get GED's, they have no idea what they are missing. There's something in the boring speeches by school board teachers we have never met before, there's something in the too-practiced & read-off-paper speeches from kids in our class, there's something in the ramblings of an old Principal. There is something that just...sparks in you. You sit there, you listen, and you don't hear the boring. You don't hear the rambling. Well, you do, but it's not what you're thinking about, it's not important. It all jumbles together to form one continuous thought in your head: I did it. I made it. I am embarking on a new part of my life.
My sister and I!
I had family there in the bleachers rooting for me as I walked across stage, and friends in white & black seated all around me...and I felt happy. True blue happiness. Something I haven't felt in pure essence in...well I don't know. This type of happiness is different. I felt like I'd filled a needle with sunshine and injected it into my candy coated veins, that's how happy I was. But with this joyous, amazing, love filled day...I saw and experienced the adult side of life with it.
Every family has their shadows. Every family has their secrets. Every family has a part that they aren't exactly proud of, and if they had a huge metaphorical rug? That stuff would be swept under it constantly. My family is no different, and it just happenes to come creeping out from under the rug on the most inconvenient of times. Times like my graduation night.
No matter how upset I felt that night, no matter how torn down the middle I was, no matter how many tears I shed because of my family's issues...there is nothing, absolutely nothing in this world that can take away the feeling of my graduation. The feeling of being surrounded by my family that were all so proud of me. I will carry graduation day with me until I no longer have the means to think or feel. I will carry around the pure love I felt from my mother, father, sister, immediate family members, friends, friends family and people that were just so damn proud of our class they didn't have to know me to want to smile at me!
And that's adulthood in it's sometimes unflattering, and sometimes amazing, form. It has the best moments coated with the best toppings. It has the most love, the most happiness, the most hope. It has faith, it has light, it has chances, wishes, and laughter. But it also has pain. It has sadness, it has issues, it has people who can't always be their best. It has people who clash, it has fights, screaming, and crying. But with that horrible side, you can't ever lose sight of the great light you saw before, the one you know is waiting just around the corner of those ugly shadows.
Graduation day taught me more about myself than I had planned to know. It taught me how wide my smile can get when I'm at that level of happiness, how much my heart can swell with love for the people in my life, and it taught me how I can preserve and not lose sight of the good things even in the down right bad.
It was such a special day for me, no matter how it ended. I love my family so much it literally hurts and the same goes for my friends. As I walk more and more of this road, as the days end and begin anew, I am learning that it is possible I can do this. I can do this adulthood thing, and I can possibly do it well. And I have someone amazing to thank for that: my mother.
Mom and I. ♥ She is my loudest cheerleader.
Without her I wouldn't have graduated at all. She has been my rock, my light, my hope, and best friend. We have fought, we have cried, we have laughed, we have gotten through so much together as a family and she is my hero. She is the person who I could do anything and she'd still love me regardless. She is the person who I can tell anything.
She (along with the rest of my family) is the reason I have made it this far. What better day to recognize that but on graduation day? So thank you, Mom, for always being my shoulder to lean on when the weight on my own is too heavy to bare.
I'm getting to this point where it's getting easier and easier to see my road heading into the horizon of being an adult. It's not fully focused yet, I can only make out blurs at the edge...but I know that what's waiting there is both good and bad. I know that what's waiting there is a life all my own. This road to that destination is tricky though. Possibly the hardest road anyone can travel because it's overwhelming. That's what I've been feeling lately: overwhelmed. Totally and completely. But it's been mellowing out lately what with school ending and graduation happening. (I know it'll go back to being back-breaking overwhelming because life doesn't give us breaks for very long, just enough to adjust the pressure and move on.)
Graduation was...amazing. It was this nervous, exciting, unreal event that I'm so glad I got to experience. People who didn't go because of reasons their own, or people who drop out and get GED's, they have no idea what they are missing. There's something in the boring speeches by school board teachers we have never met before, there's something in the too-practiced & read-off-paper speeches from kids in our class, there's something in the ramblings of an old Principal. There is something that just...sparks in you. You sit there, you listen, and you don't hear the boring. You don't hear the rambling. Well, you do, but it's not what you're thinking about, it's not important. It all jumbles together to form one continuous thought in your head: I did it. I made it. I am embarking on a new part of my life.
My sister and I!I had family there in the bleachers rooting for me as I walked across stage, and friends in white & black seated all around me...and I felt happy. True blue happiness. Something I haven't felt in pure essence in...well I don't know. This type of happiness is different. I felt like I'd filled a needle with sunshine and injected it into my candy coated veins, that's how happy I was. But with this joyous, amazing, love filled day...I saw and experienced the adult side of life with it.
Every family has their shadows. Every family has their secrets. Every family has a part that they aren't exactly proud of, and if they had a huge metaphorical rug? That stuff would be swept under it constantly. My family is no different, and it just happenes to come creeping out from under the rug on the most inconvenient of times. Times like my graduation night.
No matter how upset I felt that night, no matter how torn down the middle I was, no matter how many tears I shed because of my family's issues...there is nothing, absolutely nothing in this world that can take away the feeling of my graduation. The feeling of being surrounded by my family that were all so proud of me. I will carry graduation day with me until I no longer have the means to think or feel. I will carry around the pure love I felt from my mother, father, sister, immediate family members, friends, friends family and people that were just so damn proud of our class they didn't have to know me to want to smile at me!
And that's adulthood in it's sometimes unflattering, and sometimes amazing, form. It has the best moments coated with the best toppings. It has the most love, the most happiness, the most hope. It has faith, it has light, it has chances, wishes, and laughter. But it also has pain. It has sadness, it has issues, it has people who can't always be their best. It has people who clash, it has fights, screaming, and crying. But with that horrible side, you can't ever lose sight of the great light you saw before, the one you know is waiting just around the corner of those ugly shadows.
Graduation day taught me more about myself than I had planned to know. It taught me how wide my smile can get when I'm at that level of happiness, how much my heart can swell with love for the people in my life, and it taught me how I can preserve and not lose sight of the good things even in the down right bad.
It was such a special day for me, no matter how it ended. I love my family so much it literally hurts and the same goes for my friends. As I walk more and more of this road, as the days end and begin anew, I am learning that it is possible I can do this. I can do this adulthood thing, and I can possibly do it well. And I have someone amazing to thank for that: my mother.
Mom and I. ♥ She is my loudest cheerleader.She (along with the rest of my family) is the reason I have made it this far. What better day to recognize that but on graduation day? So thank you, Mom, for always being my shoulder to lean on when the weight on my own is too heavy to bare.
*
Congratulations class of 2010!
We did it!
We did it!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Summer Itch
Summer, to me, cannot be fully experienced within the confines of four walls. Which is truly an ironic (or perhaps not ironic, since I've heard most people don't really understand when something is ironic or not, me being one of them) statement because I've spent most of my teenage summers, since I discovered the wonderful world of the internet, locked in the house working on my vampire tan. Or lack thereof.
But this summer is different. I feel an itch when I'm in the house for too long, under the lights that can't possibly shine harder than the natural light of the sun can. I feel an itch when the air conditioner chills my skin. I feel the itch when I'm sitting, like I need to be up and doing something. And that's exactly what that itch is. It's the itch of summer, the itch of needing to do something. I just got that itch, that spontaneous fun-filled itch and I spent half an hour dancing across my front lawn like it was the stage of So You Think You Can Dance.
I twisted, I turned, I shimmied my hips. I may have snuck in one of these:
I worked that invisible crowd, while also occasionally glancing over at my neighbors just in case they were watching. Can you say embarrassing? But even if they had been, I probably wouldn't have stopped. Because this is what it's about. Having fun in the summer heat no matter who's eyes are on you.
I feel sweaty and a little gross, but totally satisfied knowing I got that itch out for now, and I had fun. I had full blown smile-on-my-face fun, and it felt fantastic. I honestly have been missing out so much on these summers by staying inside like a recluse. This summer I am going to make the outside my home. I'm going to think of 101 ways to soothe that summer itch, and I'm going to create memories I can replay later.
Enjoying the summer that isn't even officially here yet. ♥ Priceless.
But this summer is different. I feel an itch when I'm in the house for too long, under the lights that can't possibly shine harder than the natural light of the sun can. I feel an itch when the air conditioner chills my skin. I feel the itch when I'm sitting, like I need to be up and doing something. And that's exactly what that itch is. It's the itch of summer, the itch of needing to do something. I just got that itch, that spontaneous fun-filled itch and I spent half an hour dancing across my front lawn like it was the stage of So You Think You Can Dance.
I twisted, I turned, I shimmied my hips. I may have snuck in one of these:
I worked that invisible crowd, while also occasionally glancing over at my neighbors just in case they were watching. Can you say embarrassing? But even if they had been, I probably wouldn't have stopped. Because this is what it's about. Having fun in the summer heat no matter who's eyes are on you.
I feel sweaty and a little gross, but totally satisfied knowing I got that itch out for now, and I had fun. I had full blown smile-on-my-face fun, and it felt fantastic. I honestly have been missing out so much on these summers by staying inside like a recluse. This summer I am going to make the outside my home. I'm going to think of 101 ways to soothe that summer itch, and I'm going to create memories I can replay later.
Enjoying the summer that isn't even officially here yet. ♥ Priceless.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
pigment
This week has been busy. No, let's scratch that. This month has been busy, and it's going to stay that way until June is way over. Summer is underway and we've got a graduation to attend, a yard sale to plan, and summer lists that aren't going to accomplish themselves. Although I have to say, my summer list consists of very much fun things. It won't be much of a hardship to check them off one by one.
One thing I can already check off my list is dying my hair. Yes, I am finally a black headed seductress again! It's been a year since I've had my hair black. I've missed my black locks, and it seemed the perfect time for a change from the grown-out red and brown hair I was sporting some short hours ago. I'm graduating. I'm starting a whole new exciting climax-filled chapter in my life, and with it I need to be...not quite a different person. But with this new confidence I feel building within myself, and all these adult responsibilities landing not-so-gently on my shoulders, I need to change gradually into this adult personality. One that isn't exactly different from teenager Jess, but has added characteristics. One that can run with the big dogs carrying credit cards, a checkbook, and a soon-to-be license, while also trying not to smudge the ink on her just-printed-out college report paper. This is the future that comes with this black hair, and I plan to sport it beautifully and proudly.
The first event I get to show my hair off at is Graduation. I may not have half the stadium seats filled with people smiling down at me while I get my diploma, but I'll have family and friends witnessing it proudly, and that's all that matters. They are the ones who have helped me get this far, they are the ones that matter. Sometimes I think my family are way prouder than me that I've gotten this far! But deep down I feel this pride in myself. I spent so many years doing this, and while I've struggled and slipped a few times, I've mostly climbed this wall and reached the top perfectly. My whole life has consisted of being a student. I learned and learned and learned, and now Graduation is to recognize all that I've given to get that far. It's mind blowing and scary and so very real.
We had graduation practice (which was boring so I'm not hopeful that the actual thing will be any more exciting), we got our gowns & hats (which look ridiculous, I spent minutes laughing myself to tears because of the hats alone), and this saturday we will be walking across the stage to grab our diplomas and shake hands. We will sit through boring words to get to the hat-throwing (which I'm slightly worried about for two reasons: 1. with my class, someone is bound to lose an eye and 2. what if I can't find a hat after I throw mine? I hope one lands in my lap. That one will become mine.) and we will cheer because WE ARE DONE. We did it, we finished, we can leave to go onto the bigger school where we are yet again the smaller fish.
I guess what matters right now in my life is taking it day by day. I worry myself by skipping ahead, and I do it all the time. I plan out things to say before I say them sometimes, I think of scenarios for situations before I can even get to where I need to go, I think of what people will say to me in retaliation to what i say; I just think ahead. And when I'm this deep in transition from one world to another, it's hard to think ahead because I'm inexperienced, young, and worried; but I'm head-strong, tough and smart so I know what to expect (mostly) and I know how to keep myself on the right path. I think I can pull this train into the right stop on time if I just give myself room to breathe.
And by doing that I need to enjoy this summer for all its worth, remember the orientation for college, remember deadlines, but also enjoy friends, laughter, summer heat and live it up while I can. Summer here I come, baby!
One thing I can already check off my list is dying my hair. Yes, I am finally a black headed seductress again! It's been a year since I've had my hair black. I've missed my black locks, and it seemed the perfect time for a change from the grown-out red and brown hair I was sporting some short hours ago. I'm graduating. I'm starting a whole new exciting climax-filled chapter in my life, and with it I need to be...not quite a different person. But with this new confidence I feel building within myself, and all these adult responsibilities landing not-so-gently on my shoulders, I need to change gradually into this adult personality. One that isn't exactly different from teenager Jess, but has added characteristics. One that can run with the big dogs carrying credit cards, a checkbook, and a soon-to-be license, while also trying not to smudge the ink on her just-printed-out college report paper. This is the future that comes with this black hair, and I plan to sport it beautifully and proudly.
The first event I get to show my hair off at is Graduation. I may not have half the stadium seats filled with people smiling down at me while I get my diploma, but I'll have family and friends witnessing it proudly, and that's all that matters. They are the ones who have helped me get this far, they are the ones that matter. Sometimes I think my family are way prouder than me that I've gotten this far! But deep down I feel this pride in myself. I spent so many years doing this, and while I've struggled and slipped a few times, I've mostly climbed this wall and reached the top perfectly. My whole life has consisted of being a student. I learned and learned and learned, and now Graduation is to recognize all that I've given to get that far. It's mind blowing and scary and so very real.
We had graduation practice (which was boring so I'm not hopeful that the actual thing will be any more exciting), we got our gowns & hats (which look ridiculous, I spent minutes laughing myself to tears because of the hats alone), and this saturday we will be walking across the stage to grab our diplomas and shake hands. We will sit through boring words to get to the hat-throwing (which I'm slightly worried about for two reasons: 1. with my class, someone is bound to lose an eye and 2. what if I can't find a hat after I throw mine? I hope one lands in my lap. That one will become mine.) and we will cheer because WE ARE DONE. We did it, we finished, we can leave to go onto the bigger school where we are yet again the smaller fish.
I guess what matters right now in my life is taking it day by day. I worry myself by skipping ahead, and I do it all the time. I plan out things to say before I say them sometimes, I think of scenarios for situations before I can even get to where I need to go, I think of what people will say to me in retaliation to what i say; I just think ahead. And when I'm this deep in transition from one world to another, it's hard to think ahead because I'm inexperienced, young, and worried; but I'm head-strong, tough and smart so I know what to expect (mostly) and I know how to keep myself on the right path. I think I can pull this train into the right stop on time if I just give myself room to breathe.
And by doing that I need to enjoy this summer for all its worth, remember the orientation for college, remember deadlines, but also enjoy friends, laughter, summer heat and live it up while I can. Summer here I come, baby!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Finals
The end of the school year is always the best and the worst. It's a bittersweet sugary ending; even more so now that I'm a senior. With this closing of another thick chapter in my life comes the round of finals for classes. I'm not worried considering I've had great grades, but finals are a significant percentage of our final class grade, and I don't want those good grades to drop. So instead of blowing off studying for much funner things (and oh the fun things I could be doing), I am studying. I'm not being as serious as I could be though, but I'm getting my study guides slowly accomplished.
I had two finals last Friday, and while taking the tests I couldn't bring myself to get worked up about questions I didn't remember. I couldn't even get stressed. All I could say was "I doesn't matter" and honestly, it doesn't. The knowledge I have stored outweighs the things I don't know (in those classes anyway), and the questions I knew I had correct would conteract any questions I got wrong. So I was zen about it. I took my time (but not too much time) and I tried my best. That's all I could have done. I definitely wouldn't have known most of the questions if I hadn't studied like I did before hand, though. So I'm doing it now for the two last finals I have. I can't wait. Monday comes with two finals in school, then a trip to a college to do a placement test, and then SUMMER. Full blown sun kissed skin, sticky Popsicle lips, flip flops, water and laughter SUMMER. After Monday the no more high school summer extravaganza beings. I can not possibly wait.
I don't think I've ever been this excited about a summer in my life. I use to be excited for school to be out, not necessarily summer to begin, and in a way I guess I am. But college is a bigger step than high school with more obligations, more stress, and more work, so that's in my horizon and I'm not all that excited for that at the moment. But no, it's honest to gosh summer I am looking forward to. Everything you can do in summer and more is on my list. I want a tan, I want to swim, I want ice cream weekly, I want to moan and complain about the heat, I want friends, I want camping. I'm excited as I type this out. It's going to be great. And I know sometimes I get myself way more excited about things than I possibly should and then I get disappointed but...this I can make exciting. Summer doesn't have to be boring, you don't have to be stuck inside. You can find anything to do during summer and I am going to take every advantage of it that I can.
The topic of studying today was Psychology, and a phrase on my study guide said "approaches to Psychology". Now I totally blanked and had to look in the book (which has been my savior since I seem to have misplaced most of my Psych notes) but there's an approach called The Humanistic Approach. It's basically the thought that humans are good and with the right amount of everything they can gain perfection. Now I don't know about perfection, because I'm always going to have a bad hair day, I'm always going to have a day when my temper just snaps, and there will always be something I don't find perfect about myself, but I agree with the good part. I think for the most part people are good and they practice that theory of being good. And reading that I think there should be a Summeristic Approach. Summer seems the cure for everything. Your free to do so many things, and even though it can get melt-your-skin hot, that can be fixed by pulling out the hose, or jumping into a pool, or heck, if you don't have a pool jump into a lake. But there is something about summer that just is deep-to-the-bones good. I just want to spend so much time experiencing that good with my family and friends.
This summer is going to be amazing. ♥
I had two finals last Friday, and while taking the tests I couldn't bring myself to get worked up about questions I didn't remember. I couldn't even get stressed. All I could say was "I doesn't matter" and honestly, it doesn't. The knowledge I have stored outweighs the things I don't know (in those classes anyway), and the questions I knew I had correct would conteract any questions I got wrong. So I was zen about it. I took my time (but not too much time) and I tried my best. That's all I could have done. I definitely wouldn't have known most of the questions if I hadn't studied like I did before hand, though. So I'm doing it now for the two last finals I have. I can't wait. Monday comes with two finals in school, then a trip to a college to do a placement test, and then SUMMER. Full blown sun kissed skin, sticky Popsicle lips, flip flops, water and laughter SUMMER. After Monday the no more high school summer extravaganza beings. I can not possibly wait.
I don't think I've ever been this excited about a summer in my life. I use to be excited for school to be out, not necessarily summer to begin, and in a way I guess I am. But college is a bigger step than high school with more obligations, more stress, and more work, so that's in my horizon and I'm not all that excited for that at the moment. But no, it's honest to gosh summer I am looking forward to. Everything you can do in summer and more is on my list. I want a tan, I want to swim, I want ice cream weekly, I want to moan and complain about the heat, I want friends, I want camping. I'm excited as I type this out. It's going to be great. And I know sometimes I get myself way more excited about things than I possibly should and then I get disappointed but...this I can make exciting. Summer doesn't have to be boring, you don't have to be stuck inside. You can find anything to do during summer and I am going to take every advantage of it that I can.
The topic of studying today was Psychology, and a phrase on my study guide said "approaches to Psychology". Now I totally blanked and had to look in the book (which has been my savior since I seem to have misplaced most of my Psych notes) but there's an approach called The Humanistic Approach. It's basically the thought that humans are good and with the right amount of everything they can gain perfection. Now I don't know about perfection, because I'm always going to have a bad hair day, I'm always going to have a day when my temper just snaps, and there will always be something I don't find perfect about myself, but I agree with the good part. I think for the most part people are good and they practice that theory of being good. And reading that I think there should be a Summeristic Approach. Summer seems the cure for everything. Your free to do so many things, and even though it can get melt-your-skin hot, that can be fixed by pulling out the hose, or jumping into a pool, or heck, if you don't have a pool jump into a lake. But there is something about summer that just is deep-to-the-bones good. I just want to spend so much time experiencing that good with my family and friends.
This summer is going to be amazing. ♥
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