Thursday, June 10, 2010


This week has been busy. No, let's scratch that. This month has been busy, and it's going to stay that way until June is way over. Summer is underway and we've got a graduation to attend, a yard sale to plan, and summer lists that aren't going to accomplish themselves. Although I have to say, my summer list consists of very much fun things. It won't be much of a hardship to check them off one by one.

One thing I can already check off my list is dying my hair. Yes, I am finally a black headed seductress again! It's been a year since I've had my hair black. I've missed my black locks, and it seemed the perfect time for a change from the grown-out red and brown hair I was sporting some short hours ago. I'm graduating. I'm starting a whole new exciting climax-filled chapter in my life, and with it I need to be...not quite a different person. But with this new confidence I feel building within myself, and all these adult responsibilities landing not-so-gently on my shoulders, I need to change gradually into this adult personality. One that isn't exactly different from teenager Jess, but has added characteristics. One that can run with the big dogs carrying credit cards, a checkbook, and a soon-to-be license, while also trying not to smudge the ink on her just-printed-out college report paper. This is the future that comes with this black hair, and I plan to sport it beautifully and proudly.

The first event I get to show my hair off at is Graduation. I may not have half the stadium seats filled with people smiling down at me while I get my diploma, but I'll have family and friends witnessing it proudly, and that's all that matters. They are the ones who have helped me get this far, they are the ones that matter. Sometimes I think my family are way prouder than me that I've gotten this far! But deep down I feel this pride in myself. I spent so many years doing this, and while I've struggled and slipped a few times, I've mostly climbed this wall and reached the top perfectly. My whole life has consisted of being a student. I learned and learned and learned, and now Graduation is to recognize all that I've given to get that far. It's mind blowing and scary and so very real.

We had graduation practice (which was boring so I'm not hopeful that the actual thing will be any more exciting), we got our gowns & hats (which look ridiculous, I spent minutes laughing myself to tears because of the hats alone), and this saturday we will be walking across the stage to grab our diplomas and shake hands. We will sit through boring words to get to the hat-throwing (which I'm slightly worried about for two reasons: 1. with my class, someone is bound to lose an eye and 2. what if I can't find a hat after I throw mine? I hope one lands in my lap. That one will become mine.) and we will cheer because WE ARE DONE. We did it, we finished, we can leave to go onto the bigger school where we are yet again the smaller fish.

I guess what matters right now in my life is taking it day by day. I worry myself by skipping ahead, and I do it all the time. I plan out things to say before I say them sometimes, I think of scenarios for situations before I can even get to where I need to go, I think of what people will say to me in retaliation to what i say; I just think ahead. And when I'm this deep in transition from one world to another, it's hard to think ahead because I'm inexperienced, young, and worried; but I'm head-strong, tough and smart so I know what to expect (mostly) and I know how to keep myself on the right path. I think I can pull this train into the right stop on time if I just give myself room to breathe.

And by doing that I need to enjoy this summer for all its worth, remember the orientation for college, remember deadlines, but also enjoy friends, laughter, summer heat and live it up while I can. Summer here I come, baby!


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