Friday, June 18, 2010

a post at a ridiculous hour

At this point it's ridiculously past my bedtime. This time (a rough 3:30 in the morning) would normally be my go-to-bed time during the weekends, and even during summer, but I found as I went through my senior year of school that I went to bed earlier and earlier. So now I'm not use to it, and the fact my body isn't use to it overrides my want to actually stay up.

But as I was laying here wanting to stay up, yet still bored, and also very tired, I decided to dip into looking at a musicians twitter account. Now, to be clear, it's not something that I do. I don't think it's wrong for a fan to want to personally connect themselves to an idol like that, I just think that nowadays we don't know what too far means, and to me...their personal life is just that. Sure, they put themselves out like that by creating these accounts and updating and so on. But as much as I adore my bands' music, and I know them from interviews and such, I can't find myself wanting to know every turn and shift and step they take or make. When i was 13, when you're clinging onto something or someone to make an impression on you and you'll find anything you can, I was into that. I knew every person's first middle and last name, favorite color, favorite band they listened to, and I just...felt that I knew them. It was comforting, if not a bit delusional and creepy, but that's how kids are. And I don't want to delude myself into that place again because it's not fair to myself to get involved in someones life when I'm not really part of it. So music stays in the music category. I don't tend to find things out unless something major happens within the band (injury, death, split or person leaving the band) or if I'm bored. I was bored.

As I read his twitter posts, most of them didn't make sense, most of them boring, most of them not fasinating...but he posted a picture of the whole band (yup, they split recently) and it made me think about something. It made me think about how much I've grown, and I'll tell you why. When I was that 13 year old in her room blasting music and thinking about her angst, a split in any of my favorite bands would have killed me. And here I sit at 18 years of age and most of my favorite bands have gone through something like that. Either a split, a member of the band leaving, a haitus or full on not making music anymore. Beyond a few tears, and a bit of woe, I was fine with it. Hey, I can't get mad at people changing their mind or wanting something new when I change my mind roughly every 10 minutes. I can't blame them for being exactly what I am, and that's human. It hurts in a growing up kind of way because it means that I'm finally grasping a little piece of the adult world and it's painful. Do I want music to stay the same forever? No. Would I like it to remain at least a bit familiar to me? Yes. Forever and always I want my favorite bands to be together, but I know it won't happen.

I know it won't happen just like I know my next steps in life can be as thought out as I want, and that doesn't mean I won't end up changing the plan. It's weird to see myself in this new light, because I don't even think of myself as adult, and frankly I don't want too. But I don't find myself to be this kid anymore who hides behind these people who bring her hope and dreams and happiness. I stand next to them in acknowledgment that they were kids once too, and just like me, they grew out of it. And just like I am, they worked their way through that road of growing up, found what they wanted and did it. Like many people, we grow up (even when we're older, we all still grow) and we change. We will always change, no matter what anyone tells us. Our pasts shape our future, which means the present shapes our future. The present is just tomorrows past, and what happens today shapes us in ways we can't imagine. Every little thing.

So while the ghost of pain is still there to see a band I never got to see with all its members make a record sans one person, or a band that's split in two and missing two important people, I know that they're still just growing up and trying to find what it is they want. That's exactly what I'm doing. Just because you're older doesn't make life any easier. It just makes it easier to forget that you can still want different things, you can still become a different person, and it's okay. Within us is the childlike spirit we had growing up; it never goes away. It just gets hidden behind adult responsibilities.

If growing up has taught me one thing, it's to never lose that sense of childish wonder. I hope I never do.


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