Tuesday, April 5, 2011

just a lil ditty

We're so close to summer. I've already worn my flip flops once already, broken out from the depths of the shadowed corners we always lose our shoes in. I'm ready for the heat, the summer fun, the promise of sunshine & awkward tans. I'm counting down the days.


If there's one thing that bugs me, it's the fact that I sit clearly on the divider between loving being spontaneous, and hating when I don't have a concrete idea of what's going to happen. This is why college and the financial situation bugs me quite a lot. I have to send in money for the school I want to transfer to again very soon, and I'm still unsure of my financial situation. I've got to call them up, but it makes me uncomfortable knowing I'm going to call the same financial aid office I called up a year ago and hear my fate...again. Last time I called I cried quietly on the phone as she told me not to worry, it would all work out, that not getting financial aid didn't mean I couldn't succeed. Believe me, not the greatest full circle to have ever happened to me. But even though parts of me will remember the pain I felt when I heard that, a large part of me has moved on and realized that financial aid or not...I deserve to strive for my dreams, and I can achieve them all on my own without anyone's help. (not to say that accepting help or having support isn't great, it's lovely). So wether the government decides to be on my side or not, I will make it. I will not cry again. I will not watch The Titanic on repeat and watch in depressed irony as Jack and Rose lost their one chance at their happiness. Yeah...that was a rough week. No, this time I'll think of other options like scholarships, and loans. Ugh, that last word gives me the shivers. I hate it. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm so afraid to leave everyone behind if I do go to school. I'm afraid of leaving my mother, who even at the mention of me leaving starts to get upset and asks not to talk about it until it happens. My sister...who even though she pisses me off like no other, I've had the craziest times with. And my best best best-their-isn't-even-a-WORD-for-it friend who I'm so afraid will find someone better than me and forget about me...although I honestly think that's just me being insecure. Haha, we're two peas in a pod. I'm afraid of leaving my other best friends who I love and adore and will miss their laughs and lovely faces. I'll miss my job. I'll miss him. I'll miss everything I've ever established here. I'll come back to visit on vacation and breaks but...it's not the same. This is saying "I'm adult. I can leave. This will be where I grew up, but it won't always be where I will settle and live." That's scary for me. That's a big change, and I'm not one to open that can with ease. But I'm strong. I have a sense of humor, a strong sense of self, and I have faith. Those things can help me remember where I am, who I am, and who loves me no matter where I am or what I do. So I'll call that finacial aid office up, and what happens...happens. Dreams, I do believe I'll be seeing you soon!


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