Wednesday, April 13, 2011

keep it real

Let's talk about faith. Religion is a very touchy topic for a lot of people, and not for one minute am I going to say it isn't for me either. I'm not the best Christian around, I went to church with my friend for a very short period of time and even then I went down to help with the kids, I never actually sat through the religious part most of the time. But I believe in something bigger than me, and do I call Him God? I do. Should I read the bible to understand Him? Sure, I probably should. Do I need to read it to feel him in my life, in my soul and in my heart? No.

When you are down in life, you feel lonely. It's natural to feel that way at your worst, and I felt it today like no other. As I sat trying to make note cards up for a class my mother and I got into a tiny fight, one that left me shouting my fears and hatred of the college system. I screamed about feeling scared, I screamed about feeling overwhelmed, I screamed about how I felt everyone was against me and how it's tough to put on a smile everyday when all you want to do is cry. I was crying by that time, and I could tell my mom was feeling uncomfortable. She gets sad that she can't help me with college, because we're financially unable, and she blames herself. I never blame her. I blame the people who say they're suppose to help when all they do is give you attitude on the phone, or the government who say they want to help but with each year it just gets worse. I could preach and rant and scream to the heavens but most of us know the short comings of the world already- we've felt them personally. I knew being an adult was going to be hard, I just didn't realize how very on-your-own you feel and how terrifying that is.

I made a decision today. I made the decision that I wasn't going to Maine for school. It was hard and easy at the same time, but as tears fell down my cheeks I realized I just didn't want to do it. I don't want to leave my family, I don't want to go all the way up there when I'm not sure if it's for me, I don't want to be 20,000 in debt with nothing to show for it. Just too much was overwhelming me and I just knew it wasn't happening. Could it happen? Certainly. I could take out a lot of loans and trek it myself, but I'm not that kind of girl. I don't want to do it myself. I want someone who understands, be it family or friend or lover or the man on the phone I talk to about financial aid. I want compassion. I want understanding. Which in this world is sorely lacking.

So I was upset...and I cried. I studied while crying and I cried while feeling lonely and it was a bad beginning to my day. But then I decided not to give up. There were alternatives. I could take a year and figure out a plan and go at it again- it wasn't like I was too old to do anything, plus there are TONS of older people at my college. Age means nothing and it stops you from nothing. A year isn't long, only 365 days. Do I want to do that? No. It makes my skin itch to think about, but if i had to do it I would. But still i googled other things. Maybe cosmotology. I love doing makeup, nails and hair. That stuff has always fascinated me, even my mom said she could see me doing that. That was a good fallback. On a whim I googled for audio schools in my state and I found a link that could be the answer to my prayers, I literally mean that. While looking at the site and sending the application I felt this presence of something. Like someone was telling me "you are not alone- I'm here and I will help you". I started this blog off religious for a reason, and I want to talk about how I felt. I felt grounded. I felt safe. I felt like things were going to be okay. This program seems the perfect thing for me, and if I don't get in...well, at least I know that no matter what there is always going to be someone looking out for me, family friends, and Him.

This was not just a Audio Program I was a sign. I was ready to give up and He told me "No you are not." He showed me that even if this doesn't work out, He is there and He is going to help me help myself. So do I still feel sad and upset? Yes. I feel like the world is a video game set on Expert and I'm just a beginner. I feel like there are so many people out for themselves they forget about those just trying to do what the world expects of them- to have money, to be famous, to be skinny, to be more. And no one is willing to help anyone achieve that, especially those who can't achieve it by themselves. but today I felt that I could do it. I can do it, and I will do it.

I hope this program works out, and I still have research to do to see if it's legit (i found it on the internet- always be wary) but I got a call from a representative already and they seem pretty real to me. It doesn't matter though. If I get in, amazing. If I don't, well...I know I am destined to do great things and to be an amazing person. I just need to find out where I'm suppose to go in this world, and He will help me find that if only I keep a kind, open, positive look on things. I will try my best.


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