Sunday, April 10, 2011

farewell weekend

A lot of people view Sunday as the beginning of the week. I have, and probably always will, view it as another week gone goodbye. Sunday was a tiring ending to a busy week, and a even busier weekend. I worked all this weekend and let me tell you I am exhausted. I love my job and I like making money, who doesn't??, but with all this school pressure and this loan thing...I am so ready to crack. A part of me wants to say "screw it, I'll give myself a year to figure it out" and another part of me is saying "you can do this- Don't let them stop you!!!" I'm balanced in the middle and I don't know which way to fall. I don't know where I want my life to go, and 20,000 in loans is a heck of a way to fall if you find out you didn't like the way you landed and you wanna try again.

I don't want to be without making hard choices. I want to have to do that, I want to pave my way through my life and successfully come out at the end with a smile and a honorary letter saying "you did it!", preferable with a nice title like PHD attached to it. But i'm at this point where I don't know if I exactly want to go to Maine or be what i want to be, or even if I want to try college right now. Sure, I like it enough but I want to try other things. It's confusing and hard and nothing will ever be the right answer until I find it and the actually hunting for that answer is the hardest part. I am a bright, witty, spunky, spontaneous, hilarious, vulnerable, happy girl. I feel like these decisions have deadlines I'm just not going to make and I just want to find myself in my own time, not anyone else's.

Telling anyone life is hard is like preaching to the biggest choir alive, but it's so freaking true. I've been shown so many paths that could lead me to so many different places and yet I was never told where those paths lead. It's the biggest test, and who even likes tests?? I don't want to try and find out the right answer by making all the wrong ones. you get in trouble that way, you get in debt that way, and I think that's the part that worries me the most. I don't want to get to where I'm going, go 20,000+ deep in debt and decide it was the wrong place for me to be in. Gone are the days that my parents make these decisions for me, and you know what? I miss that the most right now.

But I do try to take it one step at a time. I'm trying to balance work and school and figuring out what I want to do and it's tiring. I want to give up and keep trekking all at once. I want to drop out and graduate at the same time. I want to fail and succeed at the same time. Without defeat you will never taste the sweetness of victory, but defeat does have the bitterest of tastes.


Post a Comment

Blog Template by Delicious Design Studio