farewell weekend

A lot of people view Sunday as the beginning of the week. I have, and probably always will, view it as another week gone goodbye. Sunday was a tiring ending to a busy week, and a even busier weekend. I worked all this weekend and let me tell you I am exhausted. I love my job and I like making money, who doesn't??, but with all this school pressure and this loan thing...I am so ready to crack. A part of me wants to say "screw it, I'll give myself a year to figure it out" and another part of me is saying "you can do this- Don't let them stop you!!!" I'm balanced in the middle and I don't know which way to fall. I don't know where I want my life to go, and 20,000 in loans is a heck of a way to fall if you find out you didn't like the way you landed and you wanna try again.

I don't want to be without making hard choices. I want to have to do that, I want to pave my way through my life and successfully come out at the end with a smile and a honorary letter saying "you did it!", preferable with a nice title like PHD attached to it. But i'm at this point where I don't know if I exactly want to go to Maine or be what i want to be, or even if I want to try college right now. Sure, I like it enough but I want to try other things. It's confusing and hard and nothing will ever be the right answer until I find it and the actually hunting for that answer is the hardest part. I am a bright, witty, spunky, spontaneous, hilarious, vulnerable, happy girl. I feel like these decisions have deadlines I'm just not going to make and I just want to find myself in my own time, not anyone else's.

Telling anyone life is hard is like preaching to the biggest choir alive, but it's so freaking true. I've been shown so many paths that could lead me to so many different places and yet I was never told where those paths lead. It's the biggest test, and who even likes tests?? I don't want to try and find out the right answer by making all the wrong ones. you get in trouble that way, you get in debt that way, and I think that's the part that worries me the most. I don't want to get to where I'm going, go 20,000+ deep in debt and decide it was the wrong place for me to be in. Gone are the days that my parents make these decisions for me, and you know what? I miss that the most right now.

But I do try to take it one step at a time. I'm trying to balance work and school and figuring out what I want to do and it's tiring. I want to give up and keep trekking all at once. I want to drop out and graduate at the same time. I want to fail and succeed at the same time. Without defeat you will never taste the sweetness of victory, but defeat does have the bitterest of tastes.

just a lil ditty

We're so close to summer. I've already worn my flip flops once already, broken out from the depths of the shadowed corners we always lose our shoes in. I'm ready for the heat, the summer fun, the promise of sunshine & awkward tans. I'm counting down the days.

**

If there's one thing that bugs me, it's the fact that I sit clearly on the divider between loving being spontaneous, and hating when I don't have a concrete idea of what's going to happen. This is why college and the financial situation bugs me quite a lot. I have to send in money for the school I want to transfer to again very soon, and I'm still unsure of my financial situation. I've got to call them up, but it makes me uncomfortable knowing I'm going to call the same financial aid office I called up a year ago and hear my fate...again. Last time I called I cried quietly on the phone as she told me not to worry, it would all work out, that not getting financial aid didn't mean I couldn't succeed. Believe me, not the greatest full circle to have ever happened to me. But even though parts of me will remember the pain I felt when I heard that, a large part of me has moved on and realized that financial aid or not...I deserve to strive for my dreams, and I can achieve them all on my own without anyone's help. (not to say that accepting help or having support isn't great, it's lovely). So wether the government decides to be on my side or not, I will make it. I will not cry again. I will not watch The Titanic on repeat and watch in depressed irony as Jack and Rose lost their one chance at their happiness. Yeah...that was a rough week. No, this time I'll think of other options like scholarships, and loans. Ugh, that last word gives me the shivers. I hate it. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm so afraid to leave everyone behind if I do go to school. I'm afraid of leaving my mother, who even at the mention of me leaving starts to get upset and asks not to talk about it until it happens. My sister...who even though she pisses me off like no other, I've had the craziest times with. And my best best best-their-isn't-even-a-WORD-for-it friend who I'm so afraid will find someone better than me and forget about me...although I honestly think that's just me being insecure. Haha, we're two peas in a pod. I'm afraid of leaving my other best friends who I love and adore and will miss their laughs and lovely faces. I'll miss my job. I'll miss him. I'll miss everything I've ever established here. I'll come back to visit on vacation and breaks but...it's not the same. This is saying "I'm adult. I can leave. This will be where I grew up, but it won't always be where I will settle and live." That's scary for me. That's a big change, and I'm not one to open that can with ease. But I'm strong. I have a sense of humor, a strong sense of self, and I have faith. Those things can help me remember where I am, who I am, and who loves me no matter where I am or what I do. So I'll call that finacial aid office up, and what happens...happens. Dreams, I do believe I'll be seeing you soon!

boy, oh boy.

This past week has been amazingly mellow with an ending dash of drama. It's left me in this mood of having so much to say, but not knowing how to get the words out, and emotions that differ so drastically I'm unsure of how to even feel. Our feelings for someone can alter how we react to what they do or say, but if something someone does or says hurts you....it hurts you. Those feelings you have for them, though, that like (or love) you have for them makes you want to easily forgive them even when you're not exactly sure you should. I was in that boat this past weekend and I'm still confused about it. I'm an independent strong women, and yet sometimes I feel helpless when it comes to how I feel about him. I know it won't last forever, I know this isn't the for-keeps relationship; not the one I start dreams on, like a family, a house, kids and a dog. But it's the beginning of something, and he's the start of something I can't even describe. I've laughed, cried, smiled and just...been so angry, confused, upset when it's come to him. But the moments that are good, the moments I feel the butterflies and I think back to his smile, or his laugh, or our times together...sometimes it's worth the frustrations. Or the uncertainty. Or the hurt (emotionally, NEVER physically, yikes lol).

As girls, this comes with the territory with boys. I just never realized how intense it would be, I guess. No wonder there are so many steel heart, locked-up heart and guarded heart songs/poems written by women LOL. I get it now!

Forever Driving

If there is one thing I've discovered I hate, it's driving long distances. To work? Sure! To school? Why not! To a friends? Absolutely. Two hours away to a mall I've never been too, with a GPS telling us to take all back roads? Hell to the no. The latter part of my day yesterday was spent trying to find the King Of Prussia mall that's located somewhere near or around Philly. With toll roads it should have taken an hour and a half, it took us close to two and a half. For some reason my GPS (dubbed Wesley because of his British accent) confused us into saying we didn't want toll roads and instead took us past a variety of cute, shady and barren towns.

It started off with us going through a scary town close to where my friend lives, because I had to pick her up. We attempted hitting the highway but it only told us to get off, and Wesley, being the "smart" (or assumed-smart, I guess) GPS that he is, we took his word for it. Then we drove for a bit longer and hit this adorable town. It looked like something out of Gilmore Girls. The roads were cute, they had cute shops, the people were walking, biking, running. It just looked adorable. Then we hit more back roads with nothing but woods and no civilization and we started to get worried. "Wesley", we cried (and at times, cursed), "where are you taking us?!" Somehow, maybe at the hour mark of our drive, we hit a round-a-bout. My first one ever, and it was kinda scary!! But my friend and I were laughing hysterically because just freaking out of nowhere there is this random round-a-bout....

More driving. More cursing. More Wesley telling us to take back roads. More laughing. More singing along to our iPod. That's when we hit this town that I swear looked like something out of Resident Evil. My friend was like "zombies are going to come out of that abandon building at any moment." I felt the same way. We quickly passed that place, thank God. More roads, more not knowing where we were but blindly following what Wesley told us, and we finally got onto a freeway. 10 minutes until King of Prussia, the GPS told us. Woo! Signs started coming up for it too, so I knew he wasn't lying or deceiving us (at this point, we were wholeheartedly sure he was effing with us and taking us everywhere but where we wanted). Commence only 3 hours of shopping (we left at 4 and didn't get there until 6-6:30, yeah....feel my pain?) but we rocked the speed-walk and speed-shop and I got some cute things. Malls are so expensive! I had a blast, though, and I'll go back sometime when I have more time to a) find the place and b) shop.

Then Wesley somehow got us onto a toll road to get back and that was less exciting and more boring than the way there. Just driving for an hour and a half, and during that hour and a half was when I realized I honestly hate driving to far away places. Oh well, you gotta get to them somehow, right?

We stopped off at a diner at 11:30-ish and played Frank Sinatra off the little jukebox at our booth. Which that freaking jukebox stole some of my quarters! but i digress. It was a pretty fabulous day, even if parts of it were unexpected, longer than they should have been, and not everything was rainbows and sunshine. I'm a new driver, not even a year having my license yet, you can't expect me to feel comfortable driving that far away.

Either way, we got to where we wanted to be and got home safety, too. I'd call that a win.

Scales are evil

I don't mean the fish variety, either. I mean the "lets see how much we weigh today" scales. This fluctuating weight thing sucks. I'm all excited cause I lost a pound or two, and then the next day I'm a pound or two more than yesterday! So I got no where at all. Misleading! This doesn't stop me from doing my (loose) exercising, though. I'm not like, hitting the crunches hard here. I do some dancing, I do some weird leg crunches that I remember doing in gym in HS that KILLS my neck but leaves my stomach muscles feeling used (like they never do).

Even if this way makes me loose weight slowly, it'll still be more exercise I was doing than before (which was none). I want to be healthier, and even if I sometimes choose the junk to eat over the healthy stuff, I'm honestly trying. This is the life I get to live, regardless of what is in my afterlife or what have you, I want to live the life I was given right now because this life right now is what matters wholeheartedly. So, just updating on the progress I've sorta been making, I guess. That's to say that I'm still attempting to work out!

That's a plus, right?

Better late than never!

I've never been a work out kinda girl, and I've always been heavier. What can I say, I love food and apparently it loves me. It's a dependency relationship, haha. Anyway, there are so many diets out there and so many come with either too many rules/directions or the side effects of damaging yourself completely if you don't follow them right. I'm already a vegetarian that doesn't follow the rules, so I probably don't get the recommended x, y & z's that I should... So dieting never was in my forte, because it's hard and also, like I said, I love food.

Since I graduated school not even a year ago (but almost a year, I can't believe it!) I've lost a significant amount of weight. Now, let's not get hasty with that statement, I'm definitely no Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen. Nor do I ever want to be. But I'm smaller than I was, and I've slowly been losing. Slow is good. Does it win the race? No. Does it get you to the end of the race? Sure. I'm happy with what I've accomplished by just not eating as much and being more choosy with what I eat. Does that mean I'm satisfied with the weight I'm at? Certainly not. So today instead of taking the nap I wanted before work, I hooked up my ipod to my speakers and I did a little bit of dancing. Hips swivels, marching, arm raises, twists, turns, kicks...you name it, I did it for 25 minutes. Just five minutes shy of how many minutes "they" (whoever they are) say it's healthy to exercise in a day. I would have gone longer but hair gets greasy when you sweat and I just washed it and it looks pretty for work, lol. Shallow? Maybe a little ;)

Either way, after I was done I felt...lighter. Maybe not my shakey legs, those felt like lead, but inside my heart I felt like I was doing something to make myself healthier, and the best part is I was doing it for myself. I've been told by others I look fine the way I do. I thank them and smile, but it's not about how they perceive me. It's about how I perceive myself. If you're not happy with yourself (and mind that you actually have a realistic goal, we don't want anyone going anorexia on us, plz) then do something about it in a healthy, safe way. Walk to the store or dance in your kitchen while cooking. I can't do the first one, I live too far away, but I can tell you I certainly do dance while I cook! Admittedly not because I wanna exercise but because I'm happy I get to eat, ha ha ha! Sorta kidding! ;) Anyway, so I've decided that in the minutes I can spare...maybe it wouldn't be so bad to hook up the tunes and get onto my imaginary stage and strut my stuff. It's healthy and it's something I love to do. Dancing has always made me happy. It runs in my genes because my mother is a fantastic dancer. Sometimes I wish she'd decided to pursue that career instead of the one she has now.

So all in all, I guess I'm writing this as a reminder to myself that exercising may be hard and gross (ew, sweat) but in the end it's what helps us get results. I remember getting on the scale and being shocked at how much I'd dropped. I want to continue to do that because it's a great feeling. I don't think there's anything more depressing than seeing that you've gained when you didn't want the pounds. I'm not sure what weight I'm aiming for, I think I'm just going to aim for when I feel fully comfortable in the body I have. I'm not uncomfortable with myself, image-wise. I think I'm beautiful inside and out, and I'll always have my curves ;) But I want those curves to stand out nicer, and have less of a jiggle, ya know? haha!! So I guess this is my late new years revolution of "Get Rid of the Jiggle!" Better late than never, right??

March Showers

We've been getting a case of the rains lately. I thought april showers bring may flowers, not march showers! But a shower I have been getting every time I walk outside. I'm particularly drenched from walking to and from classes at college today, and my car was parked allllll the way at the end of the parking lot from this morning (damn college students ALL taking classes at 9 in the morning). Which means when I went to go move it to a more closer parking spot, I had to walk the million and one miles to my car. in the rain. with no umbrella. My black tights now look like they have a spot pattern from the rain drops falling on them as I walked like lightening to my car.

Despite it raining, and the tons of tests I have today, and the fact I'm sick again... I feel pretty good today. It's not like I'm without issues or illness or the drama of yesterday upon me. No, I still have all that. But I feel lighthearted and happy because yesterday was a really good day. I got to spend in with a person I really care about, and the happiness I felt then has floated along with me into today. Do I have things I still worry about, like the test I'm not sure I have in my next class that I also didn't study for? Sure, I worry. Do I worry about my co-worker who is attempting to start drama with me, when I'm wholeheartedly against starting drama in the workforce? Yes, I'm also worried about that. But those take residence at the back burners of my mind, because all I can feel is his hand in mine, his hand on my hip, his lips on the back of my neck. It's not perfect, it's not ideal, and it certainly isn't conventional. I'm not asking for those things right now, especially when I'm so uncertain of where I'll be in a half a years time anyway (college-wise)... nor will I ask that of him, when he has his own personal issues to deal with, too. Yesterday we finally got to spend time outside of work together and I felt like a real couple for a few hours. Nothing I say or type will truly explain how happy I felt, and feel, and who knows if it will ever happen again, but it happened. Just like I'd hoped, and it was all I wanted.

After my classes today, and all I have is one more (and a online test I need to do today), I'm free and off to frolic in my spring break. Yup! Spring break is upon me and I plan to make the most of it by relaxing, exercising, cleaning my room, hanging with my best friend, and most of all...sleeping in. oh, how nice is that gonna be? Fabuloso! Spring is so very close, I just want this cold weather to go away. We need some warmth around here.