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A little over a week. What's in a little over a week you ask? Freedom. I will be able to say I conquered my first year of college, and boy....was it one hell of a ride. I may not be any more closer to knowing what the final outcome of this all is, but I can say I know alittle more about the struggles of adulthood. Not by choice, it just kinda gets thrown at you...whether you're ready to catch it or not.

Beauty school is pretty much a sure thing for me now. I'm getting excited about it, and it just makes sense. It's something I don't mind taking loans out for, but also something I'll enjoy doing. At least to get a job, make some money and maybe later change my career. People don't stick with the same things all the time, and nor should they. I'm a person who likes change (although I have problems with huge changes- so i'm sometimes ok with change, let's say). One day I'm inward and mellow, the next crazy and spontanoues. let each day bring you a new challenge, a new trait, a new friend or a new adventure. Never settle for the same thing, day in or day out. Honestly, that gets boring. I hate boring.

So I'm going to go for cosmotology, and hopefully make something for myself. I can see myself pushing to get to where I want to be, and never settling for something I'm not happy with. Before I do that, though, I really need to push myself to study for my finals. I've already skipped one with my partner (much to the anger of our professor) and we delayed it till thursday, but now I have a government test (not the final, yet) I have to make up that I'm pretty sure I only know 2% of what is on it. Yikes! I feel more nervous and guiliter as I type this out because I should be studying.

I wanted to just update because writing helps me. It's something I'm good at and it's the one thing that let's me be honest with myself. Sometimes we need that when no one else will tell us how it truely is.

So I'm off to study, and each passing day leaves me closer to summer!

B-E-Auty School

You're dreams are more than worth defending. - The Used

Whenever I feel down, I like to repeat this particular lyric to myself. It's exactly what everyone should say to themselves, because it is completely true. Our dreams, our goals, our needs, just what we want in life...all of it is perfectly worth defending. If you want to be a plumper and your family says be a doctor, but this is your dream....That is worth defending. That is worth striving for because in your life your happiness is what is most important. These dreams can be realities and that's worth defending at any costs. So sure, maybe some people don't see me being a Cosmotologist. Maybe some don't see me being an Audio Engineer. Some may have this completely different perspective of what I can be good at, but hey, my dreams are more than worth defending and those dreams are no one's but mine. I still want to be an Audio Engineer. That will never change, I can feel music in my bones when I'm watching a music video or listening to my music anywhere and everywhere. I can tell you my passion for music will never die. But sometimes life gives you these curveballs, these unexpected paths you have to take in order to find these other dreams you maybe never knew you had.

My curveball was financial, and it hit me hard. I didn't give up, but I found another path that could help me step-stone my way to possibly becoming an Audio Engineer. Beauty School gets you licenced in less than a year, and I can have a job (most likely) right after college. And if i so choose, I can work my way up into any job in Comotology I want. But what I'm saying is, I want a job I'll enjoy, and I will enjoy doing hair, makeup and nails. Is it going to be my forever-job? Who knows. Lot's of people switch jobs and even careers. I plan to save up money and try Audio Engineering again- and I am not someone who pushes her dreams aside, if I still have that passion for being an Audio Engineer I damn well will become one. But this Cosmotology could be it for me, and as I went to the school I'm interested in, I felt that same spark I feel for music. perhaps not as deep and profound, but I felt it. And I knew I could take out loans for this and not feel any remorse.

So hopefully soon I will be a Beauty student, and I will learn something new and apply it to life and live fabulously. As we all should.

**

In the meantime, I have finals to study for, Spanish homework that is late, a test I missed, and work to be doing. So what have I been doing this past week? Playing Portal, hanging with my best friend and doing our nails. I am a nails-are-different-every-day type of girl. I rarely have the same nail polish on my fingers, but this one I just might keep on for a while.

cuuuute, right? I've been getting better at doing designs and I'm really proud of this one. Plush this reminds me of summer and summer is on it's way. Although we've had bad weather a little bit lately, it's warming up and I can leave the house with flip flops and a light jacket on.

Believe me, no one is more ready for summer because it means nooo schoool! Just best friend time and work and FUN. Bring it.

keep it real

Let's talk about faith. Religion is a very touchy topic for a lot of people, and not for one minute am I going to say it isn't for me either. I'm not the best Christian around, I went to church with my friend for a very short period of time and even then I went down to help with the kids, I never actually sat through the religious part most of the time. But I believe in something bigger than me, and do I call Him God? I do. Should I read the bible to understand Him? Sure, I probably should. Do I need to read it to feel him in my life, in my soul and in my heart? No.

When you are down in life, you feel lonely. It's natural to feel that way at your worst, and I felt it today like no other. As I sat trying to make note cards up for a class my mother and I got into a tiny fight, one that left me shouting my fears and hatred of the college system. I screamed about feeling scared, I screamed about feeling overwhelmed, I screamed about how I felt everyone was against me and how it's tough to put on a smile everyday when all you want to do is cry. I was crying by that time, and I could tell my mom was feeling uncomfortable. She gets sad that she can't help me with college, because we're financially unable, and she blames herself. I never blame her. I blame the people who say they're suppose to help when all they do is give you attitude on the phone, or the government who say they want to help but with each year it just gets worse. I could preach and rant and scream to the heavens but most of us know the short comings of the world already- we've felt them personally. I knew being an adult was going to be hard, I just didn't realize how very on-your-own you feel and how terrifying that is.

I made a decision today. I made the decision that I wasn't going to Maine for school. It was hard and easy at the same time, but as tears fell down my cheeks I realized I just didn't want to do it. I don't want to leave my family, I don't want to go all the way up there when I'm not sure if it's for me, I don't want to be 20,000 in debt with nothing to show for it. Just too much was overwhelming me and I just knew it wasn't happening. Could it happen? Certainly. I could take out a lot of loans and trek it myself, but I'm not that kind of girl. I don't want to do it myself. I want someone who understands, be it family or friend or lover or the man on the phone I talk to about financial aid. I want compassion. I want understanding. Which in this world is sorely lacking.

So I was upset...and I cried. I studied while crying and I cried while feeling lonely and it was a bad beginning to my day. But then I decided not to give up. There were alternatives. I could take a year and figure out a plan and go at it again- it wasn't like I was too old to do anything, plus there are TONS of older people at my college. Age means nothing and it stops you from nothing. A year isn't long, only 365 days. Do I want to do that? No. It makes my skin itch to think about, but if i had to do it I would. But still i googled other things. Maybe cosmotology. I love doing makeup, nails and hair. That stuff has always fascinated me, even my mom said she could see me doing that. That was a good fallback. On a whim I googled for audio schools in my state and I found a link that could be the answer to my prayers, I literally mean that. While looking at the site and sending the application I felt this presence of something. Like someone was telling me "you are not alone- I'm here and I will help you". I started this blog off religious for a reason, and I want to talk about how I felt. I felt grounded. I felt safe. I felt like things were going to be okay. This program seems the perfect thing for me, and if I don't get in...well, at least I know that no matter what there is always going to be someone looking out for me, family friends, and Him.

This was not just a Audio Program I found....it was a sign. I was ready to give up and He told me "No you are not." He showed me that even if this doesn't work out, He is there and He is going to help me help myself. So do I still feel sad and upset? Yes. I feel like the world is a video game set on Expert and I'm just a beginner. I feel like there are so many people out for themselves they forget about those just trying to do what the world expects of them- to have money, to be famous, to be skinny, to be more. And no one is willing to help anyone achieve that, especially those who can't achieve it by themselves. but today I felt that I could do it. I can do it, and I will do it.

I hope this program works out, and I still have research to do to see if it's legit (i found it on the internet- always be wary) but I got a call from a representative already and they seem pretty real to me. It doesn't matter though. If I get in, amazing. If I don't, well...I know I am destined to do great things and to be an amazing person. I just need to find out where I'm suppose to go in this world, and He will help me find that if only I keep a kind, open, positive look on things. I will try my best.

farewell weekend

A lot of people view Sunday as the beginning of the week. I have, and probably always will, view it as another week gone goodbye. Sunday was a tiring ending to a busy week, and a even busier weekend. I worked all this weekend and let me tell you I am exhausted. I love my job and I like making money, who doesn't??, but with all this school pressure and this loan thing...I am so ready to crack. A part of me wants to say "screw it, I'll give myself a year to figure it out" and another part of me is saying "you can do this- Don't let them stop you!!!" I'm balanced in the middle and I don't know which way to fall. I don't know where I want my life to go, and 20,000 in loans is a heck of a way to fall if you find out you didn't like the way you landed and you wanna try again.

I don't want to be without making hard choices. I want to have to do that, I want to pave my way through my life and successfully come out at the end with a smile and a honorary letter saying "you did it!", preferable with a nice title like PHD attached to it. But i'm at this point where I don't know if I exactly want to go to Maine or be what i want to be, or even if I want to try college right now. Sure, I like it enough but I want to try other things. It's confusing and hard and nothing will ever be the right answer until I find it and the actually hunting for that answer is the hardest part. I am a bright, witty, spunky, spontaneous, hilarious, vulnerable, happy girl. I feel like these decisions have deadlines I'm just not going to make and I just want to find myself in my own time, not anyone else's.

Telling anyone life is hard is like preaching to the biggest choir alive, but it's so freaking true. I've been shown so many paths that could lead me to so many different places and yet I was never told where those paths lead. It's the biggest test, and who even likes tests?? I don't want to try and find out the right answer by making all the wrong ones. you get in trouble that way, you get in debt that way, and I think that's the part that worries me the most. I don't want to get to where I'm going, go 20,000+ deep in debt and decide it was the wrong place for me to be in. Gone are the days that my parents make these decisions for me, and you know what? I miss that the most right now.

But I do try to take it one step at a time. I'm trying to balance work and school and figuring out what I want to do and it's tiring. I want to give up and keep trekking all at once. I want to drop out and graduate at the same time. I want to fail and succeed at the same time. Without defeat you will never taste the sweetness of victory, but defeat does have the bitterest of tastes.

just a lil ditty

We're so close to summer. I've already worn my flip flops once already, broken out from the depths of the shadowed corners we always lose our shoes in. I'm ready for the heat, the summer fun, the promise of sunshine & awkward tans. I'm counting down the days.

**

If there's one thing that bugs me, it's the fact that I sit clearly on the divider between loving being spontaneous, and hating when I don't have a concrete idea of what's going to happen. This is why college and the financial situation bugs me quite a lot. I have to send in money for the school I want to transfer to again very soon, and I'm still unsure of my financial situation. I've got to call them up, but it makes me uncomfortable knowing I'm going to call the same financial aid office I called up a year ago and hear my fate...again. Last time I called I cried quietly on the phone as she told me not to worry, it would all work out, that not getting financial aid didn't mean I couldn't succeed. Believe me, not the greatest full circle to have ever happened to me. But even though parts of me will remember the pain I felt when I heard that, a large part of me has moved on and realized that financial aid or not...I deserve to strive for my dreams, and I can achieve them all on my own without anyone's help. (not to say that accepting help or having support isn't great, it's lovely). So wether the government decides to be on my side or not, I will make it. I will not cry again. I will not watch The Titanic on repeat and watch in depressed irony as Jack and Rose lost their one chance at their happiness. Yeah...that was a rough week. No, this time I'll think of other options like scholarships, and loans. Ugh, that last word gives me the shivers. I hate it. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm so afraid to leave everyone behind if I do go to school. I'm afraid of leaving my mother, who even at the mention of me leaving starts to get upset and asks not to talk about it until it happens. My sister...who even though she pisses me off like no other, I've had the craziest times with. And my best best best-their-isn't-even-a-WORD-for-it friend who I'm so afraid will find someone better than me and forget about me...although I honestly think that's just me being insecure. Haha, we're two peas in a pod. I'm afraid of leaving my other best friends who I love and adore and will miss their laughs and lovely faces. I'll miss my job. I'll miss him. I'll miss everything I've ever established here. I'll come back to visit on vacation and breaks but...it's not the same. This is saying "I'm adult. I can leave. This will be where I grew up, but it won't always be where I will settle and live." That's scary for me. That's a big change, and I'm not one to open that can with ease. But I'm strong. I have a sense of humor, a strong sense of self, and I have faith. Those things can help me remember where I am, who I am, and who loves me no matter where I am or what I do. So I'll call that finacial aid office up, and what happens...happens. Dreams, I do believe I'll be seeing you soon!

boy, oh boy.

This past week has been amazingly mellow with an ending dash of drama. It's left me in this mood of having so much to say, but not knowing how to get the words out, and emotions that differ so drastically I'm unsure of how to even feel. Our feelings for someone can alter how we react to what they do or say, but if something someone does or says hurts you....it hurts you. Those feelings you have for them, though, that like (or love) you have for them makes you want to easily forgive them even when you're not exactly sure you should. I was in that boat this past weekend and I'm still confused about it. I'm an independent strong women, and yet sometimes I feel helpless when it comes to how I feel about him. I know it won't last forever, I know this isn't the for-keeps relationship; not the one I start dreams on, like a family, a house, kids and a dog. But it's the beginning of something, and he's the start of something I can't even describe. I've laughed, cried, smiled and just...been so angry, confused, upset when it's come to him. But the moments that are good, the moments I feel the butterflies and I think back to his smile, or his laugh, or our times together...sometimes it's worth the frustrations. Or the uncertainty. Or the hurt (emotionally, NEVER physically, yikes lol).

As girls, this comes with the territory with boys. I just never realized how intense it would be, I guess. No wonder there are so many steel heart, locked-up heart and guarded heart songs/poems written by women LOL. I get it now!

Forever Driving

If there is one thing I've discovered I hate, it's driving long distances. To work? Sure! To school? Why not! To a friends? Absolutely. Two hours away to a mall I've never been too, with a GPS telling us to take all back roads? Hell to the no. The latter part of my day yesterday was spent trying to find the King Of Prussia mall that's located somewhere near or around Philly. With toll roads it should have taken an hour and a half, it took us close to two and a half. For some reason my GPS (dubbed Wesley because of his British accent) confused us into saying we didn't want toll roads and instead took us past a variety of cute, shady and barren towns.

It started off with us going through a scary town close to where my friend lives, because I had to pick her up. We attempted hitting the highway but it only told us to get off, and Wesley, being the "smart" (or assumed-smart, I guess) GPS that he is, we took his word for it. Then we drove for a bit longer and hit this adorable town. It looked like something out of Gilmore Girls. The roads were cute, they had cute shops, the people were walking, biking, running. It just looked adorable. Then we hit more back roads with nothing but woods and no civilization and we started to get worried. "Wesley", we cried (and at times, cursed), "where are you taking us?!" Somehow, maybe at the hour mark of our drive, we hit a round-a-bout. My first one ever, and it was kinda scary!! But my friend and I were laughing hysterically because just freaking out of nowhere there is this random round-a-bout....

More driving. More cursing. More Wesley telling us to take back roads. More laughing. More singing along to our iPod. That's when we hit this town that I swear looked like something out of Resident Evil. My friend was like "zombies are going to come out of that abandon building at any moment." I felt the same way. We quickly passed that place, thank God. More roads, more not knowing where we were but blindly following what Wesley told us, and we finally got onto a freeway. 10 minutes until King of Prussia, the GPS told us. Woo! Signs started coming up for it too, so I knew he wasn't lying or deceiving us (at this point, we were wholeheartedly sure he was effing with us and taking us everywhere but where we wanted). Commence only 3 hours of shopping (we left at 4 and didn't get there until 6-6:30, yeah....feel my pain?) but we rocked the speed-walk and speed-shop and I got some cute things. Malls are so expensive! I had a blast, though, and I'll go back sometime when I have more time to a) find the place and b) shop.

Then Wesley somehow got us onto a toll road to get back and that was less exciting and more boring than the way there. Just driving for an hour and a half, and during that hour and a half was when I realized I honestly hate driving to far away places. Oh well, you gotta get to them somehow, right?

We stopped off at a diner at 11:30-ish and played Frank Sinatra off the little jukebox at our booth. Which that freaking jukebox stole some of my quarters! but i digress. It was a pretty fabulous day, even if parts of it were unexpected, longer than they should have been, and not everything was rainbows and sunshine. I'm a new driver, not even a year having my license yet, you can't expect me to feel comfortable driving that far away.

Either way, we got to where we wanted to be and got home safety, too. I'd call that a win.