Fastforward. Rewind.

Most of the time I like being in the here and now. I feel it's not healthy to think about days long past, unless it's to remember a happy memory, or recall a sad one (although only for a brief moment). It's not good to wish you could go back to being a kid again, because unless I somehow come up with a way for time travel to be possible, I am stuck in the current time dimension I am in right now. Right now I am a 18-soon-to-be-19 year old who goes to college, works, doesn't get to see her friends much but still has the best time when she does see them. My life, on a scale of 1 to suck, is not that bad. I enjoy it, most days, because not every day is a good day, and not every day is going to be.

But one thing I find myself doing, other than sometimes wishing to be a kid again, is wishing I could fastforward my life. I want to be in that comfort zone, I want to be established. I want to have that loving husband who somehow convinced me to marry him because he's right for me in every way possible, even if he sometimes leaves his dirty laundry on the floor, or has different taste in music than me. I want the house that may or may not be too high of a price but it screamed 'us' so we bought it and love living in it. But most of all? I want the little pitter patter of feet on the floor, the "mama"'s and "dada"'s being said in a quiet soft voice, and the screams of laughter I know will fill our house (cause if it's my kid? Yeah, they'll be loud). I want friends who come over (maybe even with their own kids) just to check in and have a bit to eat, while we sit Indian style on the floor watching our kids bond.

I want to miss all the in between just to get to that place, but then a large part of me doesn't. I don't want to miss having my first love, and having my kids, getting my college degree, and buying that house. I don't want to miss the mistakes, the successes, the moments and memories I will acquire that will help me become an even better, wiser, open minded and beautiful person than I already am. It isn't that I want to be an adult, because Lord knows if I could stay a teenager and have all that I would...it's that I just want that life so bad, I don't want to wait. And no, I don't want the "settle down" life. If I want to go to a rock concert, I'll have my husband watch the kids, or maybe we'll go together and find a babysitter. I'll still wear the clothes that define me, and dress my kids in even awesomer clothes. My house will sometimes be a wreck, and I probably will burn the cookies me and my kids attempt to make more than once...but i want it. I want my mom and dad to have grandkids and look at me with even more pride in their eyes.

I love my life now, but I think I'll love my life even more then. A huge part of me is sorta scared I won't even get that life, and I think that's what makes me want to just fast forward to it...so that I know I have it, so I can't spend all my life working for it just to find out I never get it.

But life doesn't hand you a remote with those options, and right now I am a 18-soon-to-be-19 year old in college who spends most of her time at school and work. Right now I should be studying for a quiz tomorrow. I'm not a mommy, I'm not a wife, and I don't own a house. But I know someday I will if I try hard enough, so I'm gonna go study hard and try not to think to much about how I'll be having fun with my friends this weekend...I don't need the distraction!

Have a great rest of the week!

Birthdays

So my birthday is about two months away. TWO. I'll be 19 freaking years old. How is this happening, is this even real life?

But, today was not my birthday. Today was my dear friend Marie's birthday, who is turning 18 years old. Who now I can say is legally an adult (although what a scary sentence that is, ha!). I had my two classes of the day, the last one I left early two and we headed out for birthday shenanigans. No way was I going to let her birthday pass without a little birthday fun.

We headed out to CiCi's where she's apparently never been, and she tried their macaroni & cheese pizza (which I find slightly revolting, but her and my other friend think is heaven). After that lovely trip to CiCi's (and I always find that place weird, they have to shout at you when you enter/leave, and it's just unnerving...) we headed to a tattoo/piercing parlor to get pierced!

Now, I've only had two other piercings. I've had my ears done, but that was when I was little so I don't remember, and I had my lip done. But that's been closed for years now. So I've been a little out of touch with needles, needless to say. I wasn't that scared, just nervous. She went first and she got her labret done, which looks freaking awesome. She said it hurt, but she's a wuss, so I can't really judge her opinion. ;) I was next and really...the clamp they use to hold the ear (I got my Tragus done) hurt far more than the actual piercing of the ear. It wasn't that painful, and it didn't hurt enough for me to never get another ear piercing ever again. I can hardly remember the pain now, and it's only been about 2 hours since I've gotten it done.

I think it looks awesome. Right now it has a stud in so I can't wait for the 4-6 weeks to hurry up and get here so I can put a ring in it. I think it'll look nicer, although it looks pretty sweet now.

Anyway, today was a great day. I got to celebrate with a friend, and I got a sweet piercing.

FALLOWEEN

October. OCTOBER. The tenth month. The month that zooms by with candy and costumes, with the fall weather close on it's heels. It's been a wet and rainy October over here. It's been cold and dreary and doesn't exactly show me a promising of a good fall/winter. And yet, I can't help but get excited about Thanksgiving, the meal I promise to help my mom with this year, Halloween, I'm still not sure what I'm going to be this year, and Christmas, where I actually have money to buy those I love gifts that come from my heart. Yes, I can't believe all this is fast approaching... It was just summer a couple of months ago, and a couple of months before THOSE months I was graduating! Time flies, and when you're a kid you think it's great, but as an adult you're thinking "STOP STOP STOP ALREADY!!!" There really is this cliche about becoming an adult and then all of a sudden wishing you were that sticky, bossy, know-it-all, plays-in-the-mud kid again; I certainly wish I could go back to those days (although who says I can't do all that now, hmmmm...?)

I rarely post here anymore, and it bugs me, but I'm stuck in that I-have-no-time-but-really-i-do place. I really don't have much time for things. I have school all weekday and then weekends I have work. I don't see friends, I hardly go anywhere, and I don't get time to schedule anything in. But I find myself with all this stay-at-home freetime and it's boring as boring can be. The internet is HUGE but there's only so much time you want to spend staring at a screen all day, and with the weather chilling outside, there's not much hope for me doing anything out there. So I'm in this weird place of honestly having no time, and yet having TOO much time on my hands. I wish I saw my friends more- perhaps if I did I would be a lot more satisfied with how everything has been playing out.

I got my drivers permit! FINALLY, I know. It's great and scary and exhilarating and nerve-wrecking being behind a vehicle. I drove home from the DMV and it ended in tears and a fight between my mom and I- so yes, nerve-wrecking for BOTH of us, haha. It's gotten better. We're not as tense when I'm driving, so it's easy for her to help me because I don't get as defensive or scared that I made a mistake. I want to get my license as fast as possible, and yet I don't...it feels like this last adult thing I have to do and then....that's it. I'm an adult; "take your shiny plastic card of identification and exit to the left please, have a great stay in Adulthood!" I can see the unfortunate employee greeting me at the door of Adulthood, bags under her eyes and smile strained. I mean, it's not like I don't have a positive look on adulthood. I'm one step closer to finding someone to settle down with and raise a family, to getting my degree and my dream job. But I've always been a very exuberate, excited, spontanious person, and adulthood just...isnt. At least the regular paying-the-bills, go-to-work, buy-a-sensible-car adulthood, anyway. I know there are ALWAYS exceptions, and I really want to be one of those. I never want to lose my ability to feel young at heart, to laugh always, and to have this uniqueness that others may at times find weird. I love that about me. It is me.

But that's a tiny bit down the line, and I don't have to worry yet. I'm still a college student who can get away with mistakes and the fact that she's not "knowledgeable" enough yet. And that's fine by me!

But really, I can't wait for these holidays. They mean happiness, family and holiday breaks. They mean friends I haven't seen in a while, good food, and love. They mean everything I've been missing and everything I've been waiting for.

I really need to get moving on a Halloween costume, I think my works having a party and that's gonna be awesome. I've been everything from a hip hop dancer to a bodyguard for Halloween...what to be this year??? Hmmmmmmmmmm.